I’m seriously considering quitting a job I love. Quitting my dream job. I’m so close to just handing in my notice. Why you ask? Well the job I have now is amazing. I’m a baker. Not just any baker. I’m head baker. BUT I’m surrounded by food all day long and I can’t resist nibbling. It’s the unhealthy stuff I eat. The chocolate chips. The fudge cubes. The icing. The buttercream. The cake crumbs. I eat it all. My brain gets one thing on its mind and it can’t resist it. It won’t let up till I’ve eaten it. Then I feel so bad I cut myself with anything I can find. Or take laxatives. So I’m considering quitting the job I love and going to work in an office where I’m not surrounded my food. By temptation. Today I did what my brother and support worker said. I had breakfast and lunch. They said this would stop the snacking. Big did it. No! I still snacked. I still over indulged. I look pregnant. I’m massive. I compared myself to a women who was 3 months pregnant and I look bigger than them. It’s ugly. I want to cry. I want to cut. I want to die. I miss when will I did was restrict and not eat. I miss it so much
I can’t do this. I can’t. I’ve just cut up a cake and there was a bit that was no good for customers. So I threw it in the bin. I then went in the bin and got it out and continues to eat it. Who does that! I have problems. I hate myself. I want to cut myself I want to die. I want to hurt myself I need to hurt myself
Drink. Alcoholic drink. It’s my friend. Yes it makes me gain weight. Yes it bloats me. But it makes me feel good. I’ve drunk for the third day/night in a row. Two of them on my own. I haven’t drunk till I’m drunk but I drink till it makes me feel good. I’ve had this problem before but managed to stop it. But now I feel myself falling back into the habit. One drink turns to two which turns to four. I don’t even drink it because I enjoy it. I’m going off the taste. I just drink it because I know it will make me feel better.
I just ate a cake too 😦 bloody can’t stop eating!
I’m really struggling. Like really really struggling. Ana hasn’t been this bad for ages. She makes me cry daily. She makes me hate myself. She’s now developed another side of her. She now makes me binge. But what’s worse is she makes me binge but won’t let me throw up. So instead I take laxatives. I know deep down laxatives don’t make you loose weight but somehow it comforts me to take them after I’ve binged. And there not just normal laxatives. There the extra strong ones. I’m in a right mess. I got a new job. Still as a baker. But I’m on my own all day. Which I don’t actually mind. But ana takes this chance and says “it’s ok to eat, no one is watching” so I eat and eat and eat. I try the cake I’ve baked. I try the buttercream ice makes. I try the crumbs that fall I try the ingredients I try it all . In my other job I’m always surrounded by people so don’t eat as I don’t want to eat in front of them. I’m meant to have anorexia remember. And anorexics don’t eat. I’m getting so fat. And I’m not just saying that. It’s horrendous. My stomach balloons. But right now ana is loving food and making me feel so damn shit about it! I wish I could make myself sick. I’ll try and try but it doesn’t happen. I wish I could I really do. It’s affecting my new relationship. My work. My mood. Me. It’s affecting my life so much. I just wish it was all over. I wish I didn’t have anorexia. I wish ana would leave me alone. Sometimes I still wish I was dead. I think that’s the only way ana will disappear for good. I still have suicidal thoughts and days like today there even stronger. Thinking of ways to do it. I don’t know. I’m just really really struggling and can’t stop crying and hating myself. When will this lol end. When!!!!!
I have problems. Several of them.
Problem 1. Alcohol. I can’t remember the the last night I didn’t have a drink. It’s not excessive. But still. I’m drinking till I get that fuzzy feeling.
Problem 2. Other people. Some nasty stuff has been said about me. I’ve been called fat. And I’ve also been accused of using and dropping people. It’s not on not true and not fair. I like to think I’m a nice person a decent person. A genuine person. And people’s comments hurt.
Problem 3: laxatives. I take one-two a day of the extra strong ones. Not the ordinary ones. I have to.
Problem 4: body image. I’m
Fat. I’m convinced I am. I look massive. My belly sticks out. It’s ghastly. Ugly. Hideous.
Problem 5: hunger. I’m always hungry. Always. It doesn’t stop. Food is always always always on my mind. Always.
Problem 6: maybe I shouldn’t be alive
I’m drunk. Yep. I’ve passed the sober stage. Passed the tipsy stage. I’m now at the drunk stage. It feels good. My head feels fuzzy. Blurry. All my issues seem a little lighter. Like a weight has been lifted. Like there not real. It makes me feel better about myself. About my life. I like the feeling that drinkGives me. Do I have a problem? Yes I do. Do I know I do? Yes I do. Do I want it to stop? Yes. But it won’t. For asking as my life is messed up I think this will continue. Drink makes it all better. Ps. Sorry if this blog makes no sense. I’m drunk.
And all the positivity has gone. It’s all vanished. All disappeared. So I told me family I’m going out for coffee. Instead I went to the pub. Ordered two doubles and sat on my own drinking them. I have money worries but buying alcohol doesn’t bother me. I need it. I crave it. Today’s been hard. I’m up visiting my Grandad. My nan died less than two months ago and were up here helping sort out my nans belongings. I can’t be in the house. It’s empty without her. I miss her. I can’t be there whilst there sorting her stuff out. Bagging it up to take away. It’s too painful. So instead I took myself to the pub. To drink. To be out of the way. If I hide from it it’s not real. It’s not happening. If I’m not at the house if I’mNot sorting her stuff out then it’s not real. I can’t face up to it. I miss her too much. It’s all too raw.
Hehehehehehe I’m drunk. Yep. It’s Monday night. A school night. And I’m pissed. Feels good though. I’ve had a rubbish day and the only answer was drink. I needed it. I craved it. I had to have it. So I did. Today i received a very exciting phone call not today I also spoke about my past. It’s been a mixed day. Very up and down and all over the place. But the drink is helping. It comforts me. Makes me feel better. Wraps me up and cuddles me. It’s the answer to feeling better when you feel so shit. Yes I have problem. And yes I know I do. But what can I do. I feel so shit this was the only answer
It would be wrong not to blog on a day like today. Today is a momentous day. Today is the royal wedding. And watching it, watching Megan and Harry look at each other, so in love, is lovely but also god damn hard!! Part of me is jealous. Is envious. Part of me doesn’t like it. Part of me longs for a love like they have. Instead I sit here alone in my favourite coffee shop writing how I’m so alone and so desperate for a love I have just witnessed. Longing for it. Wanting it more than anything but being miles away from it. It’s not even on the cards. My love life is non existent. It’s just me myself and I. I doubt it will ever happen. I doubt I’ll ever feel the love that I have just seen. I’m damaged goods. I’m faulty. No one would love me. Everyone else is better than me. Everyone else is normal or even better than normal. I’m faulty and hate myself. If I hate myself how can I expect someone else to love me. I can’t can I. Roll on tonight where I go out and get legless. Then all my problems vanish. The drunk feeling takes over. It’s addictive. I crave it. Like I crave love. Friendship. Attention. How bad is it that I admit I crave attention. I’m desperate for people to notice me. To have what others have. I’m in a bit of a mess. Tonight can’t come soon enough.
Oops. So I’ve been drinking! By myself. In my room. Not good I know. But I needed it! I was craving it. The buzz of feeling tipsy. The buzz of feeling free. I needed to feel it. I longed for it. It makes everything seem better. It makes ana go quiet. It makes me feel better about myself. Until the come down. It keeps me company. It lifts my mood. It brightens everything. Until I stop and sober up then everything is back to reality. The state of my life becomes clear. The lonliness hits home. So insatead of sobering up I intend on drinking more. I may even end up In The pub alone tonight