Insomnia sucks 

Yet another sleepless night, I’m sick of this. Sick of this tossing and turning and not sleeping, not switching off, the agitation, the thoughts, every sound driving me mad, I can hear my brain, hear my stomach hear everything!

I’ve never been so agitated it drives me mad, I let it win, I let it get to me but I can’t help it. I have a better relationship with 3am that my own family! I see more of it than I see them. Sleeping pills don’t work, they make me more tired the next day, I do the whole no technology thing, get up go back to bed thing. Nothing!!

My mind just doesn’t seem to stop. Ever. It’s always thinking of something and until it’s thought or done that thing it’s thinking it won’t stop! Then it’s the food. I’m going to bed most nights without dinner so wake up hungry. My stomach begging for food my brain going into overdrive obsessing over food and I have the devil and angel on my shoulders one telling me eat, yelling me to eat the other telling me off for even thinking about eating, whispering those words “you’ll get fat” telling me it’s the worse time to eat, don’t do it! You’ll regret it. Obviously the devil wins. Obviously I don’t eat. Obviously I can’t sleep, I’ll wake up again, hungry again. 

And most of might think it’s an easy solution just eat and you’ll sleep. But it’s not that easy. And even if and when I do eat I still don’t sleep! 

3 o’clock 

That time again, the longest relationship I’ve had is with 3am. I see it everyday like clockwork. Alone with my thoughts. Just me and the darkness. Every thought multiplied, every thought constant and repetitive, determined to keep me awake until me brain hurts, until I get frustrated and stressed. 3am should be the time my brain switches off and I’m thoughtless for once. But no, the complete damn opposite! 

It’s been an odd week this week, not the best, I don’t feel like I’m making progress, I feel I’m just getting even more lost. Lost to the point of no return. I was asked today where I see myself in a years time, I laughed. I’ll still be here, nothing to show for myself, the failure of the family, the no hope girl still plodding and fighting through life, or maybe just maybe I’ll have plucked up the guts by then. I described myself today using a quote from a film, everyone I hear this it’s me, it describes me to a tee