Reality. 

Reality is I’m struggling. I feel fat all day every day. I sit in a pub and drink two drinks in less than five minutes. I crave food yet feel grotesque. I’m alone. I have no one. Reality is my life isn’t great. It really isn’t. I have no job. No money. No friends. Nothing. Yes I have a boyfriend and it’s great but the moment he’s at work the moment he’s busy I have nothinh. It shouldn’t be like this. I crave the tipsy feeling all day everyday. Most of my weight gain is drink related I just crave it so much. Im not doing well. But because I’m putting weight on everyone thinks I’m fine. Everyone thinks I’m Coping and doing  well. But I’m not I’m depressed.  I’m alone. I want to get drunk. Eat shit and get drunk. I need help. 

Reality. 

Reality is I’m struggling. I feel fat all day every day. I sit in a pub and drink two drinks in less than five minutes. I crave food yet feel grotesque. I’m alone. I have no one. Reality is my life isn’t great. It really isn’t. I have no job. No money. No friends. Nothing. Yes I have a boyfriend and it’s great but the moment he’s at work the moment he’s busy I have nothinh. It shouldn’t be like this. I crave the tipsy feeling all day everyday. Most of my weight gain is drink related I just crave it so much. Im not doing well. But because I’m putting weight on everyone thinks I’m fine. Everyone thinks I’m Coping and doing  well. But I’m not I’m depressed.  I’m alone. I want to get drunk. Eat shit and get drunk. I need help. 

Fat f****r

Yep that’s me a fat f****r. I’m disgusting. I’m grotesque. I’m fat. I can’t stop eating. I just ate a whole Easter egg in one go. I literally sat there an stuffed my face full of it. I purposely missed breakfast and lunch today to diet and lose some weight I’ve put on. But then I undo it all and stuff my far full of chocolate like I’ve never eaten before. I can’t stop. I shove it down. Quicker than I can chew. Food. Food. Food. It’s all I want. All I think about. I’m one fat f****r. I wish I could make myself sick and bring it all back up. But I’m so stupid I can’t. I’m incapable of that. Instead it all sits inside me making me fatter by the second. I’ll soon be up a Dress size. Spilling out of all my clothes. It’s disgusting. It’s horrible. I’m ugly. I should be ashamed. I am ashamed. I’m awful. I’m fat. It’s disgusting. I need to diet. But I can’t. I need to loose this weight but I can’t I need something to change but I’m stuck. Craving food. All the bad food. Chocolate. Pizza. Chips. Bread. Sweets. You name it I want it. You name it I eat it. I’m no longer anorexic I’m just a fat f****r

Fatty 

Im so fat. Im massive. All I do is eat. All I want is food. I’m either constantly craving food or eating it. It’s disgusting how much I eat. It’s disgusting how I look. It’s grotesque. I despise myself. I hate myself. Every inch of me. Every lump of fat. Every stomach roll. The way my thighs wobble and my bingo wings flap. I hate it. Yet all I think about is food. I’m one fat obese disgustingly hideous lump. Tomorrow I start my new job after a year out of work. Tomorrow instead of walking in and them all thinking I’m thin. They’ll take one look at me and think I’m fat. My stomach will bulge out of my dress. My fat will spill over. I bought some new heels today purposely to wear as heels make you look slimmer than flats. I’d rather cut my feet to shreds wearing heels than wear flats and look even fatter. 

Drink 

So I’ve had a very bad couple of days. A very close relative of mine suddenly passed away. Leaving me heartbroken. Destroyed. My food has slipped and all I want is alcohol. I seriously believe in developing a problem. Yes I’ve just been on holiday for a week but I genuinely can’t remember the last day I didn’t have a drink. So much so that today I’ve text my mum saying I’m going for a walk. When actually I’m sitting on my own in a restaurant having a drink. A double at that. Downed in seconds. I crave it. To the point it’s all I think about. I think about when I can next go out and have one. I walk past the drink aisle in the supermarket and go back to it three times and pick something up. I drink in secret without family knowing. I hide it. Hide the bottles. I really think I’m getting a problem. I don’t drink loads every day. It’s not as though I’m getting drunk, it’s only maybe 2/3, but I do drink daily. I’m addicted to the feeling it gives me. The fuzzy head. I love it. My food has slipped too. I’m not managing breakfast or snacks and I’m back to checking calories on everything and stressing if it’s got too much. I’m back to calculating everything I eat and justifying it when I do eat. I’m back to stressing over my belly and taking laxatives daily. I take laxatives two or three times a day now. And not the ones I’m prescribed. These are ones I shouldn’t be taking. These are ones I take in secret. On the face of things I’m doing well. My family believe I’m getting better. That I’m ok. But in reality I’m not. In reality I’m drinking daily, skipping meals, taking laxatives and obsessing over calories. In reality I’m

Failing and can feel myself slipping backwards. I need to get a grip I need to do something. I need to change something but I can’t. I can feel it all slipping away. I’ve already failed my nan. I didn’t get the chance to give her what she wanted I let her down. I disappointed her. Just like I am with the rest of my family. 

Fat

I need to pop my belly. It’s massive. It’s ugly. It’s horrible. It sticks out so much. It’s a pot belly. I need to stick a pin in it and deflate it. It’s horrible. And really really getting me down. Weight distribution sucks. All my weight just goes to my belly. I can’t stand it. I can’t bare to look at it. It’s grotesque and really really bothering me. I don’t know what to do. If I think of all the food I’ve consumed this past week it makes me feel disgusted in myself but I’m always hungry always craving food. So I eat. I’ve gone from being anorexic to being fat. In the space of 2 weeks. I look pregnant. It’s that bad. I hate myself. I really really do 

Is it wrong…..

I am one fat, ugly, grotesque beast. All I can think about is food. I skip lunch and then I just end up eating more through snacking and nibbling. I’m constantly hungry. Constantly craving food. I want this. I want that. Food is always on my mind. Im going to hit my target weight so soon and that’s scary! Im going to be too big for my size 2 (American) size 6 (United Kingdom) jeans. I’m going to be spilling out of them. My belly now wobbles. It has rolls. It sticks out. It protrudes. My period is going to come back and that is terrifying. All these things have two sides but I’m struggling to see the good. Like my period. I’m scared when I get it that my mind will just think I’m now fat. I’m now in the normal bmi range. I’m no longer underweight. I’m just regular. But then the good to this is it means I can have the one thing I want. A family. But it’s so hard to find the good in everything. It’s so hard to see the flip side. When all my mind sees and feels is the bad in it all. Is it wrong that I miss people looking at me. Why?! I hated it when they did but now I want it. Instead I just blend in. I don’t stand out. No one notices me. I’m just another person. Blending in, going unnoticed. Passing life by. No one cares anymore. No one is worried. I’m just there, unloved, unnoticed, unwanted. Maybe that’s why I’m struggling. Maybe that’s why I want people to look. I’m craving to be loved. My family don’t care anymore. I’m there eyes I’m just normal. They don’t ask how I am. They don’t give a second thought. All the caring has stopped. It’s like I have to be ill to feel loved. To feel cared for. When I was in hospital I felt the most loved by them that I’ve felt. Now I just feel like they don’t even notice me. Don’t even care. Don’t love me like they did. Anorexia is a horrible illness. I no I don’t want to be Ill. I want to be better. To be recovered. To be normal. But at the same time I want to be loved. To be thought of. To be noticed. Is that so wrong. 

Chocolate 

Ok. So it’s not going to be as easy as I thought. I knew it wouldn’t be simple. I knew I would have tough times. But really it’s going to be so bloody hard. I just ate one chocolate. One chocolate. That was all. And how do I feel now? Disgusting. Fat. Ugly. Hideous. Grotesque. Disgraceful. Ashamed. Horrible. Obese. Awful. All over one chocolate. I instantly tried to spit it out. To get it out of my system. I already know I’m going to skip lunch. And have the lightest dinner possible. Just soup. Nothing else. This is going to be hard! So very hard. Today I don’t know if I’ve got the strength. If I can do this. I really don’t know. Today I wish my life was over. I can’t go on living like this. Feeling like this. After every mouthful feeling disgusting. Thinking about food all day everyday. To the extent it drives you mad. Sucking in my now massive stomach. Letting my boyfriend down. Ruining my life. I can’t continue like this 

Discharge 

Today I got discharged. I’m no longer under day patient care. It’s up to me to do it myself. Today I stood on the scales before my review and I saw my weight has gone up. The most it’s ever gone up. Did I cry. No. Did I get upset. No. Instead I stood there and said I’ve done really well. It didn’t phase me. I was pleased. It made me realise I can do it without the help of day patient care. In fact I’d put more weight on on my own than with the care of day patient. Today I ate out. Twice. And didn’t feel guilty. I was hungry. So I ate. I wanted dessert so I had it. I did it. Yes I’m not stupid. I know recovery isn’t simple and I know it’s not always going to be plain sailing. I know there’s going to be bumps in the road. I know i am going to have bad days. Bad weeks in fact. But I’m determined to do this. I want to get better. I need to get better! It’s ruined my life enough. It’s time I stood up to and kicked it’s arse. 

Binge

I have a problem. I’m addicted to food. All I think about is food. What I’ve eaten. What I’m going to eat. What I can have next. When I’m going to eat, how much I’m going to eat. Everything. I love food. I love it. I want to eat so much. I’m craving all the bad stuff. All the fatty stuff. The sugary stuff. The calorific stuff. I want it all. I want ice cream. I want cake. I want chocolates. I want sweets. I want a proper dinner. I want it all. Today I missed lunch and had a cappuccino. I then got home and binged on my baking. It tasted so good I couldn’t stop. Until I realised what I was doing and then started to spit back out what I could. So I then proceeded to try and make myself sick. But I couldn’t. I failed. 

So now I’m left feeling fat. Wanting to hurt myself. To cut myself. To punish myself. I don’t know where this has come from. I was doing so well.