Anxiety.

So a new one to me. Whilst I was at my worst and I’m hospital a lot of people in there also suffered with anxiety. But I never had a problem with that. Until now.

I’ve been off work with stress and sickness but I’m convinced it’s anxiety. Not stress. Today for example was a very unstressful day but I was still sick. A lot. And still had a very jittery butterfly nervous feeling all day long. I get anxious over the tiniest of things. The tiniest of things can become the biggest deal to me. I get anxious over parking. Over food. After chores I need to do. Over speaking on the phone. Work. Anything. I’ve never felt like this before. And it’s horrible.

I never feel relaxed. Ever. I can’t remember the last time I felt that. As soon as one worry is dealt with another develops. Most days it feels like I can’t even breathe. I struggle to get my breath.

I hate this and don’t know what to do.

Drink 

Drink. Alcoholic drink. It’s my friend. Yes it makes me gain weight. Yes it bloats me. But it makes me feel good. I’ve drunk for the third day/night in a row. Two of them on my own. I haven’t drunk till I’m drunk but I drink till it makes me feel good. I’ve had this problem before but managed to stop it. But now I feel myself falling back into the habit. One drink turns to two which turns to four. I don’t even drink it because I enjoy it. I’m going off the taste. I just drink it because I know it will make me feel better. 
I just ate a cake too 😦 bloody can’t stop eating! 

Blogging 

Blogging is my outlet. It helps me. It gets out what I’m thinking. I don’t have anyone to talk to so I blog. 

Today I got told “I need to grow up” today I got told “I’m playing games” today I got told “you used me” All false statements. All untrue. But all hurtful. 

My ex hadn’t taken the breakup well. He’s trying to pin all blame on me. It was both our doing! Not just mine. I won’t be told I’m a user I won’t be told all those things. I did see a future with him. But things took a turn and I was honest and called it off. It would have been unfair for me to continue it. I’m not the one now bombarding my phone work messages. I’m trying to get through a day when I’m all alone. My family are away and I can’t tell them it’s over because they’ll worry too much. I was on suicide watch and now I’m alone they’ll worry even more. Ove promised my brother I won’t do anything. And i won’t. But it’s so hard when your so alone 

Blogging 

Blogging is my outlet. It helps me. It gets out what I’m thinking. I don’t have anyone to talk to so I blog. 

Today I got told “I need to grow up” today I got told “I’m playing games” today I got told “you used me” All false statements. All untrue. But all hurtful. 

My ex hadn’t taken the breakup well. He’s trying to pin all blame on me. It was both our doing! Not just mine. I won’t be told I’m a user I won’t be told all those things. I did see a future with him. But things took a turn and I was honest and called it off. It would have been unfair for me to continue it. I’m not the one now bombarding my phone work messages. I’m trying to get through a day when I’m all alone. My family are away and I can’t tell them it’s over because they’ll worry too much. I was on suicide watch and now I’m alone they’ll worry even more. Ove promised my brother I won’t do anything. And i won’t. But it’s so hard when your so alone 

Problems

I have problems. Several of them. 
Problem 1. Alcohol. I can’t remember the the last night I didn’t have a drink. It’s not excessive. But still. I’m drinking till I get that fuzzy feeling. 
Problem 2. Other people. Some nasty stuff has been said about me. I’ve been called fat. And I’ve also been accused of using and dropping people. It’s not on not true and not fair. I like to think I’m a nice person a decent person. A genuine person. And people’s comments hurt. 
Problem 3: laxatives. I take one-two a day of the extra strong ones. Not the ordinary ones. I have to. 
Problem 4: body image. I’m

Fat. I’m convinced I am. I look massive. My belly sticks out. It’s ghastly. Ugly. Hideous. 
Problem 5: hunger. I’m always hungry. Always. It doesn’t stop. Food is always always always on my mind. Always. 
Problem 6: maybe I shouldn’t be alive 

???

I’m so hungry. Like starving hungry. I could eat so much. But I can’t. I don’t want to get fat. I’m already massive. If I eat any more I’ll get even bigger. It’s so hard. Im hungry all the time but won’t let myself eat much. I’ve just eaten a cereal bar and feel like I pig. I’ve skipped breakfast and lunch but still feel fat. I’m dreading Monday. It’s weigh in day. I know I’ll of put on. All I want to do is eat and get drunk. Both mean putting weight on. I’m also so alone. I’m longing for friendship for someone to talk to. I look at my phone and nothing. No messages. No calls. Nothing. No one would notice if I just disappeared. I wouldn’t be missed. I’m alone. I’mHungry and I want to get drunk. What’s the point in life!  

Drunk 

Sorry for the third blog in one day I just have so much to get out. I’m drunk. Very tipsy. Very alone. The feeling of being tipsy is addictive. It makes me feel good. I get a buzz out of it. I do it secretly sneaking drink into my room or taking a swig from the bottle in the fridge when no one is looking. I know I have a problem. I know I need to stop. But I can’t. I’m alone. I’m depressed and I’m. Raving drink. It makes me feel funny. Lightheaded. Buzzy. Good. It takes away my problems. It makes me sleepy so I pass out and fall asleep quickly. Forget the day. Forget the nightmare I’m living 

Drunk 

Sorry for the third blog in one day I just have so much to get out. I’m drunk. Very tipsy. Very alone. The feeling of being tipsy is addictive. It makes me feel good. I get a buzz out of it. I do it secretly sneaking drink into my room or taking a swig from the bottle in the fridge when no one is looking. I know I have a problem. I know I need to stop. But I can’t. I’m alone. I’m depressed and I’m. Raving drink. It makes me feel funny. Lightheaded. Buzzy. Good. It takes away my problems. It makes me sleepy so I pass out and fall asleep quickly. Forget the day. Forget the nightmare I’m living 

Bleugh

So I thought about drinking and then I thought about it some more. Then I did. I can’t seem to go a day without it. My life is in ruins I have nothing to live for. I want to die. I’ve signed up to dating sights but am far from ready to date it just keeps me busy. And I drink. That’s all I do. Talk to strangers and drink. Oh and not eat. One good thing that’s come out of all this mess is that. Not eating. I used to eat loads. 3 meals and 3 snacks a day. But nowadays I’m lucky to eat one meal. I have no life it’s all in tatters. I live in bed. I live drunk. That’s no life is it. Can’t someone just kill me. Can’t this all be over. 

Alone but desereved 

Right about now I should be getting dinner ready for me and my boyfriend. He should be coming home from work to me. But instead I sit alone on the sofa, drunk and alone. Wanting to end it all. See we broke up. But it wasn’t just any break up it was a horrific, dramatic, turbulent break up. The police were called. Twice. It was horrendous. But it’s what I deserved. I bought it on myself. It’s all my fault. He was right, I’m to blame. I’m a mess. A broken mess. I can’t think straight. I’m awaiting another visit from the police. I’m not eating. My friends don’t even know. Not that they would care. I’m all alone and drink is my friend. My one true friend. Ps. Sorry for the two blogs. Just so much on my mind