Food …… or no food 

So my biggest struggle these past 2-3 days has been my food! I’m struggling with it loads and loads lately it just getting worse and worse and I can’t see a way out of it. 

I’ve already lost loads of weight and have a (shhhhhh, it’s a bit a taboo subject) laxative problem. But it’s just taken over!

The other day I was so proud that I went 24 hours, well 23 hours without eating. And now I can do that and know I’m capable of that I try even more to eat less. Breakfast used to be an apple. Now it’s nothing. Lunch used to me salad and cereal bar. Now it’s salad (carrot and tomatoes) dinner used to be beans or soup. Now I try to skip dinner too. 

But the thing is I feel so fat! Like the fattest I have ever been.  I look  at my stomach and I’m repulsed. It horrible. Yet I’m eating barely nothing. Maybe it’s the occasional sweet I have for energy or something. 

And well I can’t remember the last time I didn’t take a little pill before bed time. But now my body has got so used to them they don’t work and I don’t go to the toilet (sorry for toilet talk) but then I get so stressed I don’t go, then I don’t eat as I haven’t been etc etc. 

How can I beat this or even try to get over it. I don’t know how and it’s just getting worse! 

Not just the Monday blues 

Many people get the Monday blues, my ‘Monday blues’ aren’t just Monday ones and there not just the blues 
Sometimes, well most times I wish I could see in to the future, I wish crystal balls existed. Just to see if all this is actually worth it, though right now I don’t actually know what would make it ‘worth it’ 

I’ve had this life, this constant battle for nearly 10 years now. I always get over it then it comes back, worse each time. I feel like just giving up, what’s the point if it just comes back. This has become me and I hate that this now defines me, it’s part of me but a very unwelcome part of me. 

I think I’ve become so used to it being a part of me I’m forgetting who I am. I’m massively lost, so many people keep telling me I’m just a little lost, but how do I find my way back. If I was lost on a walk I’d end up going round in circles and crying which is exactly what I’n doing. I’d find someone to ask and they would be able to lint me in the right direction but no one can point me in the right direction. 

Everyone that suffers this terrible battle suffers differently and although they’ll understand to an extent they can never fully put themselves in your postion and ultimately it’s me that has to get myself out of this. But how can I when I’m lost! 
I have so many questions so many thoughts so many battles going on I don’t know where to begin. Then there’s the ‘eating disorder’ but I’ll get to that another day! 

If someone could throw me a time machine you would be my hero!!

First blog post

Ok, so here goes, im not really sure what I’m doing but I know i need to write, it gets everything out for that short moment I’m writing it …….

I tried to remain positive and motivated but as quick as I think about it it just evaporates and I’m
Back to feeling shit with no motivation what so ever.
I can’t really even get my words out to write this stupid entry as my mind is just spinning with so many things. Food stuff, feeling fat, being and feeling alone, the whole work stuff not being appreaciated, working my arse of and making zero progress saving. And death

Death is the biggest most constant thought at the moment. Most people are scared of death. I’m
Not. This would all disappear if I was to die. I would feel
Nothing. And that’s what I want. I feel so much at the moment. Too much. The only part about death that scares me is the impact my death would have on my family. And that is the single sole reason I’m still here.
I think daily about how to die. I know I won’t jump in front of a train or jump in don’t of a car. I couldnt end my life with someone else involved in it. I’d jump from a building, I just need to find one high enough, that and the guts. I think about over dosing but it’s the jumping I think about daily. I’m incapable of driving over a bridge or seeing a tall crane or building without thinking about jumping. I just feel this is the only way, It would end the pain I feel  I wouldn’t be lost anymore. And I wouldn’t be alone as you don’t feel anything so I wouldn’t be able to feel alone. Or feel anything.

But the thing is I’m that much a failure. And weak and pathetic that I can’t even bring myself to do the one thing I want. Yet again I put other people first. I always will.

I’m the mug the sufferer the loner the one who always tries to please people the one who is just stuck, massively lost and alone but Im the one that will always be here and I’ll probably be the unlucky one who lives to be 120 knowing my luck.