Low 

Days like today I wish I lived a big block of flats. A high rise. A tower. Why you may ask? Well for one reason. And one reason alone. So I could jump. I want to jump. I want it all to end. But my two storey house isn’t enough. It’s not tall enough. I’ve thought of jumping out my window but that will only hurt me. Break a leg maybe. Not kill me. I think of driving over to another town and using the multi storey car park. But it’s getting there that’s the problem. These thoughts are so strong today I haven’t felt this low in ages. I’m planning on reaching for the razor when I have a bath later.  I hate myself. My life. Everything about me. I want this all to end 

Low 

Days like today I wish I lived a big block of flats. A high rise. A tower. Why you may ask? Well for one reason. And one reason alone. So I could jump. I want to jump. I want it all to end. But my two storey house isn’t enough. It’s not tall enough. I’ve thought of jumping out my window but that will only hurt me. Break a leg maybe. Not kill me. I think of driving over to another town and using the multi storey car park. But it’s getting there that’s the problem. These thoughts are so strong today I haven’t felt this low in ages. I’m planning on reaching for the razor when I have a bath later.  I hate myself. My life. Everything about me. I want this all to end 

Low 

Days like today I wish I lived a big block of flats. A high rise. A tower. Why you may ask? Well for one reason. And one reason alone. So I could jump. I want to jump. I want it all to end. But my two storey house isn’t enough. It’s not tall enough. I’ve thought of jumping out my window but that will only hurt me. Break a leg maybe. Not kill me. I think of driving over to another town and using the multi storey car park. But it’s getting there that’s the problem. These thoughts are so strong today I haven’t felt this low in ages. I’m planning on reaching for the razor when I have a bath later.  I hate myself. My life. Everything about me. I want this all to end 

Low 

Days like today I wish I lived a big block of flats. A high rise. A tower. Why you may ask? Well for one reason. And one reason alone. So I could jump. I want to jump. I want it all to end. But my two storey house isn’t enough. It’s not tall enough. I’ve thought of jumping out my window but that will only hurt me. Break a leg maybe. Not kill me. I think of driving over to another town and using the multi storey car park. But it’s getting there that’s the problem. These thoughts are so strong today I haven’t felt this low in ages. I’m planning on reaching for the razor when I have a bath later.  I hate myself. My life. Everything about me. I want this all to end 

When

I just ate chocolate. FML. I just ate chocolate. Today is a fat day. I’ve decided I’m allowed two fat days a week. Plus the next three days I’ve worked out my intake will only be 300 calories a day so I guess it’s not two bad. But still I feel massive. When will this stop. When will I be able to eat anything I want and not feel guilty. When will I not feel ashamed. When will I not feel fat. This effects me so much I just want it to end. I want to be normal. I want to eat when I want. To eat when I’m hungry. To have what I fancy not what ana wants. I want to go a day without I thinking about food. I just want to be normal. When will this happen when will this end. 

Lonely 

Today was a hard day. Today I was at work catering for a wedding. Today I saw two people get married and celebrate with loved ones. Today was hard. To see that. To see them surrounded by love ones. To see something that will never happen for me. To see two people so in love and celebrating the start of there life together. To see it and know I’ll never have it. I couldn’t be further away if I tried. And then on top of that today I had to drive through the town my ex lives in. Drive past the pub we drank in. Drive past the roads we walked. It was hard. It bought back memories. Of late night dashes to the off license of late night drinks in the pub that shuts at 10. It bought it all back. So today’s been hard. I feel even more alone than I’ve ever felt. Surrounded by a day to do with love and I’ve felt the lonlinest I’ve ever felt 

Single Pringle 

What’s wrong with me! So it’s all over with the guy I was seeing. What’s so wrong with me that no one wants to be with me. I now feel so alone again. Having no one to talk to. Is it because I’m fat. Is it because I’m “ill” is it because I have an eating disorder or that I’m depressed. Is it?! I don’t know. All I know is it sucks to be alone. I’m only eating one meal a day now. I’m determined to b skinny so I fast between waking up and dinner and then dinner is is only 500-600 Calories. I’m thinking of taking up running again too. I’m determined to lose the weight I’ve put on. I really really am 

The diet 

The diet starts. Tomorrow. Today I get home from holiday. A holiday where I’ve eaten so much and drunk even more. A holiday were I’ve put so much weight on. A holiday where I’ve gained more than one roll. A holiday where I’ve over indulged. A holiday which had made me look fatter than I’ve ever looked before. A holiday which has now made me detest myself. I’m hideous. Grotesque. I feel ashamed. So very ashamed. I feel guilty. I feel like a fraud. I’m meant to have anorexia instead all this week all I’ve done is eat and drink. And think about food. Someone with anorexia doesn’t eat as much as I’ve eaten. They don’t indulge like I have. I’m a big gay ugly fraud. So….the diet. Well that starts tomorrow. Today when I get home I’m chucking out all the tempting treats I have. The chocolate. That’s going. The sweets. There going too. The healthy low calorie cereal bars. Well there going too. Everything is going. I’m throwing it all away. My theory is. If I don’t have or then I can’t eat it. I will loose the weight I’ve put on. And more. I will loose and loose. I will loose till my stomach disappears. I will. I will. I will. I’m determined. I have to do this. I will only have one meal a day and no snacks in between. I will live if Pepsi max and coffee. That will tide me over. That will get me through. I will diet like never before. I will loose this weight. I have to. I need to be slim. The guy I’m seeing said so. He only likes slim girls. 
Proof I’m fat 

Jealous

I keep seeing pictures of people I was in hospital with and there still so skinny. Some are even getting readmitted. I’m the only one that’s got fat. They all stayed skinny. I on the other hand didn’t. Ive ballooned. I’m massive. It’s so hard seeing these pictures. It makes me feel even fatter. Even bigger. I’mJealous of them. I’m jealous they’ve managed to stay slim. I’m

Jealous of how they look. I want to look like that. Not like how I look now. I bought some tight dresses with me this week and can’t wear them. I won’t. I refuse. They show my stomach off. I can’t do it. 

How bad is it that I’m jealous of there lives. There looks. I really am though 

F(fuller) A(appalling) T(tummy)

I’m so fat. Fat. Fat. Fat. Fat. Fat. It’s disgusting. It’s ghastly. It’s grotesque. I have rolls. My belly literally doubles over on itself. I’mMassive. But all my body wants is food. Food. And more food. I’m trying to restrict but being on holiday it’s near impossible. I’m having breakfast as it’s included in the price and my brain says it’s included so you have it. I then skip lunch but normally have something to snack. Today it was a bar of chocolate. The other day an ice cream. Then it’s dinner. And by then I’m so hungry and places are booked that I can’t back out. When I get home I’m adamant the diet begins. The restricting starts like no other restricting. I won’t have breakfast. I’ll throw all my sweets away all the tempting treats and snacks will go in the bin. And I’ll only have soup or salad for dinner. It starts as soon as I get back. I’ll try restricting to 500-700 calories a day. Nearer the 500. Under would be ideal. I need to loose this belly. I have to. I’m going to think of ways to keep myself busy and distract my mind from food. I’m also going to cut out the drinking. So my brain is now telling me to eat what I want whilst on holiday then lose it all when I’m back. I have to. I need to. I’ll soon be a size 8 rather than a 6-8