So today I wrote my “just in case” letter. For those of you wondering what this is or what it means. It means I wrote a letter just in case I killed myself. That’s how low I’ve felt today. The thoughts have been popping in this week and they were particularly strong this mornjng. I sat there in group thinking how I would do it rather than paying attention to the actual group.
I’ve cried more than I’ve smiled today. I’m struggling to see the punt in continuing. I feel I’ve been used I feel fat. I detest myself. I feel so fed up. I hate that I’m wasting my life. I’m stuck in here watching everyone live there lives and it’s just passing me by. I’ve really struggled today. But I’m still here to tell the tale.
So today I started work in a charity shop. Something to pass the time. Something good to do. Something meaningful. You’d think This would mean good karma. But no. Instead I’m sitting here writing this feeling like I’ve just been used and cast aside.
Saturday I had a third date with a guy I stupidly let myself really like. I was getting really excited about where it was going I was already planning his birthday etc etc so Saturday came around and we spent the evening at his and he dropped me back Sunday morning. And nothing. I haven’t heard from him. So I messaged and he he finally replied. Ditching me. This is all I ever get. People always ditch me. Cast me aside. Use me. Forget about me. Use me for my good nature. Take advantage of it. I feel like a mug. I feel so stupid. I feel so hurt.
Today’s been hard. I’ve cried my eyes out to my consultant. The anorexic thoughts are still so strong. I watched a documentary last night about anorexia and I’m jealous of how thin the girls were. I longed to be that thin. To restrict. To loose weight. And now this. This just hits home how worthless j am. I really am. I mean nothing to anyone
So tonight on channel 2 (England) there was a documentary on anorexia. I had to turn it off as I found it too triggering.
But one thing I did find out whilst I watched all but two minutes of it is that I’m very messed up. I looked at the girl they were interviewing and I was jealou of her. I longed to be her. She was tiny. Walking massive amounts and not eating. I was jealous of her. I wanted to be that that thin. I long to be that thin. I long to be like her. How messed up is that. How wrong in the head am I. I was jealous pure jealousy. I was envious. I wanted her thin frame I wanted to be that Ill. I miss that. I miss it all.
I’m sick of this life. I really am. I’m forever ignored and forgotten about. And always alone.
Being in hospital 24/7 is so hard. I don’t think people understand how hard it is. I think they think it’s easy. I get fed I have a room I’m looked after. But it’s not. It’s the opposite of easy. It’s horrible. Your in your room nearly the whole time. You have the odd group now and then and your life is based around meal times and when to eat. It’s so lonely. The only conversations we ever have as patients is about the illness and the hospital as that’s all we know. That’s all we know to talk about.
This isn’t a life.
I’m sick of “friends” ignoring me. I’m sick of being alone. I’m sick of being cast aside. I’m sick of life. I just want my eyes to close and never open. I want this all to be over with.
So yesterday I had a second date with a guy and it was great. We chatted for ages. I told him all about me and my issues. And he asked why does it matter what I look like. Good question. I couldn’t answer it. Why does it matter? I don’t even know. Why am I bothered by my thigh size. The size of my stomach. The number on clothes. Why? I don’t know. But I am.
He asked why I had this and how I got it. I don’t know that answer either. Why? Why do have a problem with food? Why do I count calories? Why do I ruminate over everything I eat? Why do I feel bad when I eat? Why do I take laxatives. I don’t know. I don’t know where this came from I dont know why I have it.
Why why why why why. Why me? Why this? Why? THats the question and I don’t know the answer
I spend my life comparing.
I compare myself to others on a daily basis. How there better than me, how there prettier than me, how there thinner than me, how there more successful than me, how they are more popular than me, just overall how there so much better than me. And today as well as comparing myself to others I compared myself to me. I looked through old photos and lined them all. One of me at my skinniest one of me at my biggest and one of me in the middle. I don’t really know what bought it on and why I did it but I did. And you can imagine the impact it had on me. I realised just how much weight I’ve put on and how much my body has changed. I instantly felt awful about myself and very fat. I know I shouldn’t have done it but I couldn’t help it. So now as well as putting myself down every day comparing myself to others I’m now putting myself down comparing me to me. I’ll never win.
So I had my cpa meeting today and it didn’t go well. They won’t discharge me till January. Which means Christmas here and likely my birthday too. This bothers me but not as much as the weight gain.
I don’t understand why I’m here. People that come and visit me and other patients must look at me and wonder why I am here. I’m like a giant compared to other people. I’m massive. And yet they still want me to gain more weight. I don’t understand.
They say I still need to gain 7kg and stay here whilst I do two weeks on maintenance. There not lettin me leave till my bmi is in the healthy range. But I don’t care about my bmi the weight I’m at now is horrific. I’m massive. If I put on more weight I’m going to explode! Im literally going to be the size of a whale. I don’t understand why hey want me to put more weight on. The more weight I put on the more I’m just going to restrict. I don’t understand why they can’t see that and why there not listening to me!
So I connect myself to every bad thing that has happened. There fore it is me. I am the underlying thing. What is so wrong with me. If I wasn’t me none of these things would have happened. None.
1. Broke up with my ex. My fault. I was ill. We argued all the time. Beacaue of food. Because of my illness. I drove us apart. I caused all the problems.
2. My mum had a car accident. My fault. If I wasn’t in here she wouldn’t have driven the way she drove. If I didn’t need to stop off to phone the hospital it wouldn’t have happened.
3. My brother gets hit by a car on the way to have a meeting about me. My fault. If I wasn’t in hospital he wouldn’t have been travelling at that time along that route.
4. Being in hospital. If I wasn’t me. If I wasn’t weak. I would have been able to avoid being admitted if I was strong enough and not weak I would not be in here.
5. Being a burden. If I wasn’t in hospital my mum my brother all my family wouldn’t have to worry about me. They wouldn’t have had to drive miles to see me they wouldn’t have to constantly check I’m ok. They wouldn’t have to do endless amounts of visits. They would just be able to get on with there lives if I wasn’t here. If I could eat.
There’s so many more things. But it all boils down to me being me. If I wasn’t me none of this wouldn’t have happened. I hate me. I detest me. I’m horrible. I hate me with a passion
It’s clear my biggest problem is me. I’m my own worst enemy. I’ve caused this. I deserve this. It’s all me. I really wish I wasn’t here. I really wish this would end. I genuinely don’t know how much more of life I can do. No matter how I feel I always have this underlying feeling. The feeling that I shouldn’t be here. I don’t believe I was made for life I don’t believe I was made to live. I’m not living in merely existing. I’m a failure of life.all of this is because of me. People paint me out to be a bitch and the more they say it the more I believe it. Maybe I am a bitch. Maybe I did use them. Maybe I handled it all wrong. Maybe this is all karma. Maybe I am nasty. The more I hear these things the more I believe it all. I’m sick of feeling like this. I want to be discharged but what’s the point. I’ll just go back to restricting and be alone. Wherever I am I’m always alone. I’m destined to be alone. What’s so wrong with me no one will talk to me. I’ve just sat crying my eyes out. And instead of someone asking how I am and have to go and seeks someone for a cuddle. For reassurance. Life is so lonely. I’ve made mistakes I’m only human. I don’t think I am horrible but the more I hear it the more I believe it and the effect it has on me is so damaging. It ruins my day it effects me so much. I’m so fat I’m so massive I weigh loads I have this on my mind all day every day and then all the other stuff. I’m surprised I haven’t shrunk with all the shit weighing me down. I really am done. I can’t even win at anorexia and not eat. I’ve failed at anorexia I’m massive. I eat. I’m failing that I can’t even succeed in that. What a pathetic excuse of a human being I am.
I spend my life hating myself and now I’m hating myself even more. I let them win. I always do. I always let people win. I’m weak. Not string. I’m a pathetic excuse of a human being. I stooped to there level and I shouldn’t have. I shouldn’t have caved but I did. Just shows how weak I am. I won’t do it again. I won’t cave I won’t give them the satisfaction. I will rise above them. I will prove I can live without them. I will prove I’m bigger than them. I will. I will. I will.