Jealousy

I’m jealous. It’s a horrible feeling jealousy. It makes me feel worse. It makes me feel even more lonely. It makes me hate myself. But I’m jealous. I’m very jealous. 

What am I jealous of you may ask. Well I’m jealous of, friendship other people have, I’m jealous of other peoples lives. I envy them. I envy there life. I’m envious of the friendships they have and how strong they are. I’m jealous of how many friends they have , how many turn up to there party. How many attend there wedding. I’m jealous of all of this. I’m jealous of everyone. Everyone is so much better than me. I’m just here. Stuck in hospital. Extremely alone. I’m surrounded by 15 other patients but I feel so alone. The loneliest I’ve ever felt. I’m jealous of people who take there lives. How bad is that. But I wish I could do what they have done. I’m jealous of the relationships other people have. I’m Helios of everything. And it’s a horrible feeling. I hate it. I hate how it makes me feel. And I hate to admit it. But it’s the truth. I’m alone. I’m jealous. I’m envious. That’s me. There the words that describe me. I don’t know how I ended up like this. I don’t know what’s so wrong with me that I have hardly any friendships. I don’t know what’s so awful about me that I don’t have a relationship. I just feel like I’m a cloud. I’m here but people can walk straight through me and not even feel me or see me. I’m invisible to everyone. No one knows how much I’m hurting. How much of a struggle every day is. I’m a pro at the ‘I’m fine’ the fake smile that hides a thousand feelings. I’m an expert at it. Each day I’m here the more lonely I feel. The more envious of others I am. The more jealous I become. Wishing I was someone else. Wishing I had someone else’s life. And it’s horrible.