And all the positivity has gone. It’s all vanished. All disappeared. So I told me family I’m going out for coffee. Instead I went to the pub. Ordered two doubles and sat on my own drinking them. I have money worries but buying alcohol doesn’t bother me. I need it. I crave it. Today’s been hard. I’m up visiting my Grandad. My nan died less than two months ago and were up here helping sort out my nans belongings. I can’t be in the house. It’s empty without her. I miss her. I can’t be there whilst there sorting her stuff out. Bagging it up to take away. It’s too painful. So instead I took myself to the pub. To drink. To be out of the way. If I hide from it it’s not real. It’s not happening. If I’m not at the house if I’mNot sorting her stuff out then it’s not real. I can’t face up to it. I miss her too much. It’s all too raw.