So my week in a blog.
Well, it’s been a pretty odd week. Not a great one at all. I’ve had lots of arguments with my friend, we seem to clash a lot and worry too much what the other is thinking. But that asides it’s still not been great.
I just don’t know what I’m doing with my life, I have to purpose, no reason. Im just mearly floating, plodding along, unnoticed, passing people by in a bubble.
I went to to the doctors this week, I saw my doctor, who knows everything and is amazing, but even that had changed. He didn’t seem too interested, tried to fob me off, and seemed angry and fed up with me. It’s made me realise I’m helpless. People don’t really care, even the doctor can’t notice how much I’m struggling, not even the figures he has written down: 7st 2, addicted to laxatives, bmi of 15 he still doesn’t seem to notice. It would appear I’m in that stage when no one notices me. No one cares. I just pass them by. Makes me think even more so they wouldn’t notice if I died.
My boss was back this week, no thank you, no well done. No acknowledgement of my hard work I’ve put in when he’s been away, yet I’m still the one who goes in early and is the mug people take advantage off. I’m a door mat, they just walk on and over me. That’s what I am a door mat, or the piece of rubbish that gets left behind stuck in the bin, with a new bag placed over the top of me.
I’m not sleeping, you guessed it, I’m still not eating, I’m waiting for something, but I don’t know what. I think I’ll forever be waiting for a sign, I’m so bloody lost in life!!!
And then I get told I look better a year ago, ouch. That doesn’t make me want to eat to get back to that weight. It hurts. Like I’m not attractive now. I hate myself. The way I look. Everything. But for someone to say I look better back then and they wish I looked like that now. It hurts.
Anyway that’s pretty much my week, another week just passed me by. Another week and still lost.
That time again, the longest relationship I’ve had is with 3am. I see it everyday like clockwork. Alone with my thoughts. Just me and the darkness. Every thought multiplied, every thought constant and repetitive, determined to keep me awake until me brain hurts, until I get frustrated and stressed. 3am should be the time my brain switches off and I’m thoughtless for once. But no, the complete damn opposite!
It’s been an odd week this week, not the best, I don’t feel like I’m making progress, I feel I’m just getting even more lost. Lost to the point of no return. I was asked today where I see myself in a years time, I laughed. I’ll still be here, nothing to show for myself, the failure of the family, the no hope girl still plodding and fighting through life, or maybe just maybe I’ll have plucked up the guts by then. I described myself today using a quote from a film, everyone I hear this it’s me, it describes me to a tee
I can’t even get anything out of my brain to write down it’s so packed full, muddled up, confused , working over time, broken. It never switches off and I just want it all to stop. For a minute, for 2, forever long I just need it to stop.
It’s only Monday and so many things going on already. This week is going to be a rubbish week. I just want to run away. Or close my eyes to never open them again. I don’t know what I want. That’s the worst. I don’t know what’s wrong, it’s is many things. The worst thing is just not knowing. When someone says what’s wrong. And you simply reply ” I don’t know”
I feel like I’m being pulled in all directions, my mind, my heart, my past, my present, every aspect of life is pulling me in a different direction. And soon it will break me
I have so many questions so many thoughts. The main ones are why and when.
Why do I have this. And when will it end.
I don’t have a life changing event or moment that made me like this. I’m just like this. It frustrates me why I don’t know why I have this. And Why I don’t have friends, what’s so wrong with me that people just don’t like me, forget me , don’t even notice me. Why everyone is so much better. Why I have a food problem, why I compare myself to everyone I see. Why I think of death and why it doesn’t scare me. Just why. It’s the biggest most unanswered question.
And then there’s the when. When will end, soon, in a year, in two. Will it end for good? I know deep down it won’t. I know I’ll have this for ever. But when will it get easier. When will I be happy all the time. When will I eat normally when will I stop worrying. When will I start living. When will I be better.
When, why and how.
How will it end. Will it be me getting better or will it be it beating me. How will I learn to be happy. How will I eat. How will I have a life.
It’s all questions isn’t it. And it frustrates me that none of them i can answer. I have opinions but I’m always wrong. Plans always fail so I never like to think if something happening as the let down is worse. I just want answers. But how do I get them.
Today it hit me. It must be me. All of this is me.
My friend cancelled today (I can count my friends on one hand) and I spiralled downwards. I’m so alone. But that must be because of me. She cancelled, it must be me, every other girl is skinner or prettier , I’m a mug, that’s clearly me , I have depression, must be my fault too!
I felt so faint today shopping but I won’t eat. Incant control my feelings but I can control my food. It’s like a little win if I manage to miss a meal and I need little wins to get me through the day.
No one notice if I went. A few people would. But they would get over it. There would be no Aimee shaped whole. It would be Aimee who???
Sorry for the no sense post, it’s just my feelings and I had to get them out.
Happy weekend everyone.
That feeling of being empty….. well in one way anyway. I’m addicted, I know I have a problem but I don’t know how to stop it and the feeling of the emptiness after the pain is worth it. I’m talking about the taboo subject of laxatives and going to the toilet. My body has vine accustomed to the tablets so I bought a liquid formula yesterday and that was enough to trigger it. Thank god! I’m already telling myself that enough is enough and not to take anymore tonight but I already know I’ll be reaching for them. I’m paranoid if I don’t then I won’t go, and then because I stress and worrry it doesn’t happen. It’s just a vicious cycle.
That feeling of emptiness feels so good but I’d love to feel it in mind too. Even if it was just for one minute when my Brain stopped thinking any of the one million things it thinks constantly. To feel nothing.
I feel so much at the minute. Several things at any one time. I can never switch off my brain is never empty. I never know how I feel or what I feel as I feel so much. I feel sad, lonely, stressed, worried, confused, I feel fat, ugly, a failure, worthless. My brain overthinks everything so I would love even for a minute to feel nothing , to feel empty, like I can make my body feel.