New Years

So what a year it’s been. Sometimes I don’t realise just how much I’ve overcome. But it really is quite a lot. So I started the year as an inpatient in hospital. I then moved to a day patient at a day unit. I discharged myself from both. I’m now living. Hospital free. Yes I feel fat. Yes I feel ugly. I feel massive. Like a ballon but I’m living! I still feel fat. I still have struggles. I still feel ugly. I still have moments. But I’m out of hospital. I’m living a life. So much has changed. So much. I’ve done loads in one year. I started 2018 in hospital and I’m ending2018 with the love of my life. What a bloody year.

Life is hard

I’m so stressed. So confused. Why isn’t life simple. Im in the process of being an adult and looking at moving out which I want more than anything but I know I won’t have the full support of my family. Im also scared. It’s a massive step to take. What if I can’t afford it? But I can’t stay at home forever. I need to move out. So why not do it now? I’ve found a flat I love. But I’m petrified money will be an issue. But when isn’t money issue. If I’m honest it will always be a problem. I don’t earn much. I don’t have a great salary. Im not the bread winner. It’s all just scary stuff. Do I bite the bullet and just do it or do I carry on looking. Why isn’t everything just simple and easy. And on top of all of that I’m fat. I really do think I’d be better of dead. I’ve really let myself go. I’ve gone up two dress sizes. I’m massive. I will diet. I need to. I need to loose this weight. I need to tone. I need my belly gone. It’s disgusting 

I washed

I washed. I washed. I washed. My first time since Monday. 4/5 days without washing or changing underwear. Yeah I know it’s disgusting but I’ve done it now! I took my meds too! Hopefully turning things around and getting out of this dip 

Depression

Unless you have depression no one can fully understanding the debilitating effects it can have. For some reason. And I don’t really know why. I’ve stopped taking my meds. I know I need them. As when I stop this happens. But I don’t like taking them. It’s horrible relying on medication to get you through each day. It’s a horrible feeling. And I think that’s why I’ve stopped. I don’t want to become reliant on three little tablets. I want to do it myself. But when I stop this happens. Today I’ve literally spent all day in bed. I haven’t washed in days. I haven’t changed in two days either. I went to bed fully dressed and haven’t changed since. Until 10 minutes ago I hadn’t brushed my teeth or my hair. And it took all my strength to do that. I hated doing it. It hasn’t made me feel better. It took every ounce of Will power to do it. But I’ve done it. The next step is to get changed. And that will be a mission. I hate all my clothes. They don’t fit or they make me look fat. So what’s the point in changing. It’s just going to cause my mood to dip even more. But I need to. I need to get out of these clothes. I still haven’t washed. I can’t bring myself to shower or bath. I can’t bear the thought of getting naked and seeing my body. I haven’t changed my underwear in days. But it doesn’t bother me. I don’t care. All I want to do is disappear. For this mood to Stop. I’m moody. I’m irate-able. I’m snappy. I’m fed up. I’m depressed. I’m argumentative. I’m hard work. I hate who this has made me become but I can’t seem to bring myself to take the meds to make it stop. It doesn’t make sense. I hate being like this. I don’t like it. I don’t enjoy it. But why can’t I make it stop. 

Blogging

Blogging is my outlet. It helps me. It gets out what I’m thinking. I don’t have anyone to talk to so I blog. 

Today I got told “I need to grow up” today I got told “I’m playing games” today I got told “you used me” All false statements. All untrue. But all hurtful. 

My ex hadn’t taken the breakup well. He’s trying to pin all blame on me. It was both our doing! Not just mine. I won’t be told I’m a user I won’t be told all those things. I did see a future with him. But things took a turn and I was honest and called it off. It would have been unfair for me to continue it. I’m not the one now bombarding my phone work messages. I’m trying to get through a day when I’m all alone. My family are away and I can’t tell them it’s over because they’ll worry too much. I was on suicide watch and now I’m alone they’ll worry even more. Ove promised my brother I won’t do anything. And i won’t. But it’s so hard when your so alone 

Blogging

Blogging is my outlet. It helps me. It gets out what I’m thinking. I don’t have anyone to talk to so I blog. 

Today I got told “I need to grow up” today I got told “I’m playing games” today I got told “you used me” All false statements. All untrue. But all hurtful. 

My ex hadn’t taken the breakup well. He’s trying to pin all blame on me. It was both our doing! Not just mine. I won’t be told I’m a user I won’t be told all those things. I did see a future with him. But things took a turn and I was honest and called it off. It would have been unfair for me to continue it. I’m not the one now bombarding my phone work messages. I’m trying to get through a day when I’m all alone. My family are away and I can’t tell them it’s over because they’ll worry too much. I was on suicide watch and now I’m alone they’ll worry even more. Ove promised my brother I won’t do anything. And i won’t. But it’s so hard when your so alone 

Small steps

So I’m still struggling. I’m still really low. I still haven’t washed. Put clean clothes on. Brushed my hair. Nothing like that. BUT today I got up and went outside. Today I brushed my teeth. Today I finally accepted my new job and have a start date. Today I made steps forward. Little steps. But it’s progress. Today I also took my medication. But as a wrote this I can feel my mood slipping. Doubts creeping in. Bad thoughts coming back. So I’m trying to stay busy. Trying not to run back to my safe place of my bed and hide it all away. I’m trying to avoid it. To not go to bed till tonight. It’s going to be hard but I’m trying. 

Death

I just got sacked from my job for being honest about why I wasn’t in yesterday. I told her I had anorexia and depression and was in hospital because I overdosed. She then sacked me. She sacked me. Fired me. Got rid of me. 
I wish more than anything in this world that yesterday had works. I wish I was dead I really really do. 

???

I’m so hungry. Like starving hungry. I could eat so much. But I can’t. I don’t want to get fat. I’m already massive. If I eat any more I’ll get even bigger. It’s so hard. Im hungry all the time but won’t let myself eat much. I’ve just eaten a cereal bar and feel like I pig. I’ve skipped breakfast and lunch but still feel fat. I’m dreading Monday. It’s weigh in day. I know I’ll of put on. All I want to do is eat and get drunk. Both mean putting weight on. I’m also so alone. I’m longing for friendship for someone to talk to. I look at my phone and nothing. No messages. No calls. Nothing. No one would notice if I just disappeared. I wouldn’t be missed. I’m alone. I’mHungry and I want to get drunk. What’s the point in life!  

Achievements

3 days Laxative free. 7 days self harming free. These may not be that long and you might not think it’s a massive achievement but to me it is. Especially the 3 days laxative free. That’s massive. I ran out of them, took my last 3 days ago and I haven’t replaced my packet. The aim is to not buy anymore. And so far that’s going to plan. Let’s see if I can keep it up. Here’s hoping I can!! I’ll keep you guys posted. But right now it feels good and I’m proud of what I’ve achieved