Sorry I’ve if been so quiet lately. I’ve been a bit all over the place. One day I’m Happy. The next I’m crying. I’ve met someone. And there great. We get on so well and always have a good time. He’s so understanding as well and is trying to help. So that part of my life is good but the rest. Well it’s shit. I’m worrying so much over my appearance and how I look. I’m comparing myself to everyone. I look fat. I’m convinced I am. I’m taking laxatives. Every time I eat I hate myself. I bloat like anything. It’s horrendous. The thoughts are so strong. I’m trying to hard to restrict but I just can’t keep it up. My body is craving food. Then there’s work. And the lack of it. I’mStressing over money. Life. How I look. I’m still lonely. Everything. I’m just a mess. My emotions are all over the bloody place. Like a rollercoaster I swear. And on top it off. Someone called me fat. Yep. An actually person called me fat. To be precise the called me “fat ass”. Brilliant
Had another bad day today food wise. The good thing is I ate all the sweets I had. So now I have none. And I’m not repacking them. So the diet starts now. No more snacking on sweets. No more snacking on shit. I will be skinny. I will be. Do you know what? I was looking back on old photos today and I miss how I looked. I miss the gap between my thighs. I miss my stomach caving in. I miss my clothes being baggy. And I miss the stares, the second looks. The whispering behind my back. I miss it all. I want it back. All of it. I want to be skinny again. I want people to look at me. Instead now I just blend in. How wrong is that? How messed up is that? It doesn’t make sense. All I know is I miss it all. And I want it back. All of it. I’mNot happier now. I’m no better off. Instead I’m probably worse off. I hate how I look. I detest myself. Every inch of myself. I’m Alone. I’m lost. And I hate my life. To the point I want my old self back. I miss it. I really do. I look at old pictures and long to look like that again. I long to be skinny.
We’ve all got them. So my thighs wobble and my belly has rolls. Does it bother me? Yes it does! Like you wouldn’t believe. All I think about all day long is how my body looks. How big I’m getting. How bloated I am. And do I care? Yes I do. But you know what, I’m slowly starting to believe it doesn’t matter. You only live once so you might as well make the most of it. It’s normal for a belly to have a roll or two. It’s normal for your thighs to wobble. I’m not going to become a gym freak or anything. If someone doesn’t like me for me and how I look. Then sod them. This doesn’t mean I’m ok with how I look. Far from it in fact. I wear baggy clothes to cover it all up. I won’t wear shorts as they show my thighs off. I won’t wear crop tips as it will show my bulging belly off. But. And it’s a big but. I’m starting to see it doesn’t matter.
Arggggg I binged. Again. I can’t stop. I like food too much. I starve myself all day then I binge. I hate myself I detest myself. I shouldn’t do it. But I can’t help it. I’m losing control. I’m terrified I’mGoing to get fat. My stomach is so bloated. It’s massive. I binged then took laxatives. And not just any laxatives. I took extra strong ones. I hate myself. I need to food out of me. Why do I do this? Why can’t I control myself? I’m so ugly. So fat. So hideous
You only live once. So why not enjoy the life you have. Today I had lunch out and I’m having dinner out too. Do I care. No I don’t. Why? Because you only live once. And it’s normal to eat out. Eating out doesn’t mean your fat. It doesn’t make you greedy. It’s normal. It’s part of life. So instead of stressing over it I’m embracing it. And going with it. I’ve had a great afternoon eating and drinking. And I’m not going to let Ana get in the way and ruin it. I’m doing what I want. I’m eating what I want. Not what ana wants. Ana will not control my life. I will. And I’ll do what I want
I just went for an interview. And it was shit. She said something that has really really effected me. I won’t eat now. I’m going to restrict all of today. She was talking about a trial shift and how they’ll provide the shirt. And her words were “your probably a medium” I don’t want to be a medium. I’m not a medium. I still wear size 6 clothes. But that means nothing how. I’ve been called a medium and that’s it. I feel disgusting. I feel fat. I feel ashamed. I feel horrendous.
I binged. I made cake for my family and binged on the mixture. The melted chocolate. The filling. I binged. So what did I then do. Tried and failed to make myself sick. So instead I took 4 strong laxatives and ran to the bathroom, picked up the razor and sliced my stomach to shreds. It’s so painful. It’s still Stinging. I needed to cut. To see blood. To feel pain. I needed to. Binging has never been a problem but I’ve noticed it creeping in. As soon as I start to eat I just can’t stop. My body is craving food all day long. It’s starving. I’ve decided from tomorrow I’m chucking out all my treats. All my sweets. And I’m restricting like never before. I’m going to skip breakfast. Skip lunch. And skip snacks. Dinner will be just soup. I will be thin. I can’t be fat. By stomach is massive. And now covered in blood. I have to be thin. I need to be thin. This guy I’m talking to told me he likes slim girls. Therefore I can’t put weight on. Otherwise I won’t be slim. I won’t fit his description. He’s feeling into the anorexia. Telling me he likes slim girls feed my thoughts. To me guys will only be interested if I’m thin. If I put weight on they won’t find me attractive. And he has just clarified that. So after today. After my binge. And the dinner my mumIs cooking I will restrict. I will not eat. I will be thin. I will loose weight. I will. I will. I will. I have to. There’s no alternative. I will not be fat anymore!
I’m so hungry. Like starving hungry. I could eat so much. But I can’t. I don’t want to get fat. I’m already massive. If I eat any more I’ll get even bigger. It’s so hard. Im hungry all the time but won’t let myself eat much. I’ve just eaten a cereal bar and feel like I pig. I’ve skipped breakfast and lunch but still feel fat. I’m dreading Monday. It’s weigh in day. I know I’ll of put on. All I want to do is eat and get drunk. Both mean putting weight on. I’m also so alone. I’m longing for friendship for someone to talk to. I look at my phone and nothing. No messages. No calls. Nothing. No one would notice if I just disappeared. I wouldn’t be missed. I’m alone. I’mHungry and I want to get drunk. What’s the point in life!
I’m drunk. Yep. I’ve passed the sober stage. Passed the tipsy stage. I’m now at the drunk stage. It feels good. My head feels fuzzy. Blurry. All my issues seem a little lighter. Like a weight has been lifted. Like there not real. It makes me feel better about myself. About my life. I like the feeling that drinkGives me. Do I have a problem? Yes I do. Do I know I do? Yes I do. Do I want it to stop? Yes. But it won’t. For asking as my life is messed up I think this will continue. Drink makes it all better. Ps. Sorry if this blog makes no sense. I’m drunk.