My way of getting g through life lately is to keep busy. Weather that be work or rushing around to and from the hospital visiting my Nan, or driving 2 hours after a long shift to visit my grandparents. I just have to keep busy. But when it all stops. Like today. It bloody sucks.
I’m so lonely it’s unbelievable. It’s a Saturday night and I’m sitting in my room. Where I always am. Drinking alone. As I have no one to be with. My friend is busy. My other friend is at work and my other “friend” just had a go at me. That’s it. There my options. My only options. There all busy and I’m left here like a loser. It’s not there fault. It’s mine. There’s clearly something so massively wrong with me that no one wants to be my friend. How can someone have a million friends and someone have 2 / 3 mates. One of them who ignores you all the time. What’s so wrong with me. Well I don’t know the answer but I hate myself so I don’t blame others for nOt liking me either. I’ll be a loner forever. Desperate for a friend. Pathetic isn’t it. That’s my life. Pathetic. Non existent. Might as well just be over.
Happy Saturday everyone.
When food becomes a daily debate with yourself you know you’ve got a problem. Everything I eat I debate over before hand, everything I eat I try to justify. Today’s debate, and the debate I have most days is ‘do I really need dinner?” Followed by ‘is my lunch of carrot cucumber and tomato enough’ ‘or even possibly too much’ ‘would a tin of soup make me fat and should I just skip it’ ‘how about a skinny hot Chocolate for dinner’ ‘or I could just have a Pepsi max and go to sleep’
These are my daily questions. Every day. Every night. These exact same questions go through my mind. Over and over and over again. I like it when I’m busy, too busy to eat, it’s perfect. The hunger just passes me by and I “forget” to eat. Or in reality have pre planned I won’t eat. But when I’ve nothing to do, nothing to occupy my mind, food occupies it and drives me mad. The constant thought of food and what I can and can’t have what I fancy but won’t have and ultimately what I will have or even will refuse to have makes me so hungry. But I try my hardest to avoid it and go with as little as possible and then if I indulge in soup and practically cardboard crackers then that’s a massive achievement!
This thing. This horrible horrible thing is slowly taking over my life. I’ve spent this afternoon running to and from the toilet, I know I have a problem but I can’t seem to find the strength or anything inside me to help myself.
Food, toilet, can I still feel my hip bone, food , toilet. Food. It’s all I bloody think about.
So frustrated. There is so much food I fancy but I literally can’t have it. Every time I do I food shop I think I’ll go for something different. Something I fancy. But I can’t bring myself to do it.
I’m sick of salad for lunch and soup for dinner. I bought crumpets today. There not fatty but couldn’t bring myself to eat them. I bought a salad then chucked it away and am now aimlessly stiring my soup around. I can’t seem to get out of this and eat something different. Even if that different is healthy. I went to eat fish today but looked at the calories and decided against it.
I’m a prisoner in my own body. There’s so much I want but can’t bring myself to have it. It’s driving me mad. I think about food all day. What I fancy. What I can have and what I will have. And I’m sick of it. But hey here goes to more salad and soup, exciting times
So, not sure how I feel about it, but today I received an appointment through and I’ve been referred to an Adult eating dissorder clinic.
To be honest I’ve been before so I’m already very sceptical. They’ll just tell me to eat, make a food diary for me then jog me on. If it was that simple I’d be doing it already. But I’m gonna give this clinic a go. And turn up and see what they say.
Just had to fill out questions after questions so they can see how I’m doing before I turn up. To be honest this made me realise I do really need to try this. But I don’t know. At the minute my mind says it won’t help. But I’ll go, as deep down I know I need to.
I’m not feeling great about it getting this far, like fully admiting up to it, being labelled, and chatting and having a “specialist” judge me and tell me how to get better. What makes them a specialist, have they had it before, can they read my mind. No. They can’t. But for one hour I’ll try and remain open minded and walk on there, head bowed and no everyone is whispering at me behind my back, judging me, probably calling me fat and thinking I shouldn’t be there.