Memory 

So. I had another round of ect yesterday and it really is affecting my memeory. Not just short term either. I’m forgetting loads of things and it’s so frustrating. No one can imagine what it’s like to loose your memeory until it Happens. It’s scary. It’s strange. It’s lonely too. As I’m forgetting loads of things. There is one thing I would happily forget though but it doesn’t appear to be vanishing. I want to forget all about my controlling ex, the abusivse relationship I was in. I want that to dissapear so badly. I’d happily forget all of that. Maybe if I did forget it I’d be able to move on once and for all. Instead of forgetting where I put my shoes why can’t I forget my ex. Just if we could pick and chose 

I have had 4 ects now and they want me to have a minimum of 6. It’s not getting easier. It’s getting harder. I cry every time and come round not knowing where I am or why I’m here so my brother has to call me up each time to exponent. It’s very scary. I’m getting headaches where I’m cramping my jaw shut tight it’s horrible. And on top of my ect I now have the dietician on my back checking every inch of my menu to make sure I’m eating enough to put weight on. What she doesn’t know is I’m lying on my menu. I write down what she wants to see and what they think I’m going to eat then I don’t eat it and do my own thing. I’m really really in a pickle I’m stuck. And I don’t know how to get out. 

The dreaded ect 

So today was my second session of ect. It affected my memeory more than the first. It’s started to affect my long term and there’s still things I don’t remember. Everything feels a bit hazy. I wish it would wipe some memory’s away than others. I’ve got to have another 2 sessions then we review it and I might have to have another 8 on top of that. I’m not sure how I feel about it. It’s wiped me of me day. It’s wiping me of memories and it leaves me completely and utterly shattered. Time will tell I guess. 

I’m feeling very low today. I think it’s a combination of the ect feeling tired and my memeory being hazy. I met with the dietician today and we had a one to one and I was brutally honest. Telling her I’m skipping meals and having light meals instead of main meals. She mentioned sending me back to progression. I fought my corner and said that if she does that it will make me worse so give me a week to try and turn it around. I know I’m not gonna turn it round in a week. And I know both her and my consultant will want me to go back to progression so I’m going to have no choice but to lie and saying I’m doing ok. The only thing is the scales won’t lie and the scales will show my weight lose. So I’ve no idea what to do or how to get out of This rut that I am in. 

100 miles an hour 

Today I can’t stop. Not even for breath. I’m so anxious. So stressed. So busy. I just can’t seem to switch off. It’s like my head and my heart are going at 100 miles per hour. 

I had my ward round today and found out I have to have at least 4 sessions of ect and then I might have to have more. I explained to them how scary it was losing my memory and to know I’ve got to go through that at least 3 more times is terrifying. I think I’ll be even more scared next time. Which is Friday. Than I was my first time. It’s horrendous. You can’t imagine losing your memory until you’ve lost it. I had it Tuesday and Mondays memory is hazing and Tuesday I barely remember. I worry the more I’ll have it the more I’ll forget! I think that’s partly why I’m keeping busy as if I don’t I just sit and think about ect. And it’s terrifying. 

Ect 

What a day today has been. I had my first treatment of ect today and it was horrendous. I woke up with no memory of where I was, why I was where I was or anything of the day at all. 

I can say that losing your memory is one of the scariest things ever. I had no recollection of anything and my memory is still very hazy. It’s extremely scary and upsetting. They want me to have another session Friday. I know I was never going to get results instantly but instead of making me better it’s made me worse. Well today anyway. I’m very depressed.  Very confused. Very tearful. And still in pain from it. I must have clenched my jaw shut as it’s agony. 

On top of all of that I also heard from the job interview I went to. I built it up and stupidly led myself to beleive I was going to get it. But today I heard back and I didn’t. I was apparently pipped to the post by someone else. I A) feel like a failure and B) feel stupid for letting myself get my hopes up. 

My mum came straight up and my brothers been amazing. So one thing from today is I know just how much my family love me and I’d be lost without them. I’m so grateful for them. Today needs to be over. So does m life really. I could happily go to a sleep and never wake up. We’ll see if I’m lucky enough for that to happen.