It’s my third today here and all I’m doing is eating and sleeping. This place is much stricter than my last one. With the threat of sectioning hanging over you every day and failure to complete any meal resulting in a fortijuice of the equivalent of what is left and failure to drink that few times results in an NG tube.
This place feels more hospitalised it is like a hospital ward Judy with carpet and all the rooms are private. I’m talking to a few of the patients but still feel like I don’t for in at all. I feel like there judging me loads and they all get on apart from me. The staff are ok but there not providing all the mental support I need now. It’s more feed us up and get us eating than helping us with our minds.
I’ve managed to stick to my meal plans and although I’m on starter menu it’s already increasing and every meal is a massive challenge. I feel like all I’m doing is eating and nothing else. So all the food I’m eating is just sitting on me. I worried my clothes won’t fit soon I worry they’ll be too tight soon so I’m not even bothering to wear them I’m wearing what I know is baggy.
The consultant told me yesterday I’m on the borderline between critical and life threatening for my bmi. But tjat still hasn’t knocked in I’m Ill. If I’m honest I felt s pang that o was borderline and not fully in life threatening. I don’t know when I’ll ever realise I’m ill like everyone keeps telling me.
I’m doing the meal plan though but just hating myself. I feel fat. Horrendous. Ugly. Tired. Bloated. I haven’t been to the toilet and i do squats in my room, I’m not really talking to people, my memory is awful and can’t get motivated to do anything. But I’m eating. So I guess that’s something.
So today I was admitted as an inpatient. For the second time.
I don’t know how I feel. I can’t really process it. I just thought I’d update you guys. I’m here and in a state of unpacked.
All my dresses with Belts have gone, phone chargers, straighteners, tights. All taken away. I got ushered into snack right away. I haven’t even been shown around the building and I’ve never even seen it before so it’s beyond new!
I’m scared lost and nervous.
So just a little update guys:
They have a New bed for me. On Wednesday I’m off to my new hospital. It’s apparently more hospital like and more firmer. My support worker thinks this is what I need. And if I’m Honest me too. At the moment I’m Feeling ok about it. My support worker made it clear if I don’t go I’ll have to have the mental health assessment and will be sectioned. I walked in yesterday and she said I’ve found a you a bed. She then weighed me and I asked if I still had to go. Yes. I then asked again. Yes. And then said if I eat so I have to. Yes. Yes I have to go.
I’m hoping this place will help. I know I need firmer, somewhere I can’t sneak laxatives in and hide them so I can take them daily, somewhere that makes me go to the table and doesn’t give up just like tjat. I know I do. But I still don’t think I’m ill. I’m Fine to walk and skip meals. I feel fine. It’s hard. I think I’m well I don’t think I’m Ill but I know my eating won’t change without help and I recognise in some respects I need help.
So I’ve 4 days to go. Four days till I’m re-admitted. Last time I was admitted I didn’t eat before I went in. I’ve been told to not that again as i will knock myself back but it’s so hard. In my head I’m fine and fat so I need to starve myself and get myself as small as possible before I go in. But I will try to eat. I will try.
Hope your all ok and happy weekend guys x
I’ve zero idea what is about to happen. What will happen. What to even think. How to process what I’ve done and how to go about working out what is next.
Yep. I did it. I discharged myself. I’ve no idea how long it will be until another bed comes up. If I will even get one. (Why would they give me another bed if I discharge myself from one unit) do I even need it? Can I do this myself? Am I kidding myself. I thought about leaving for so long and now I’ve left I’m scared. I’m confused. But I know I had to leave. I was sick to death of going in circles and being in limbo. I think they thought I was just playing games. That I was just threatening them. I asked to leave so many times and they always managed to make me stay say “hang on in” “wait one more night” “stay another day” “wait and see” “it will get better” Well the fact is it didn’t get better and I knew/know I’m not going to get better there, so instead of waiting, lingering and not being taken seriously, I took it in my own hands and left.
I didn’t sleep a wink. So many worries and stress. Money. Money being the biggest, what’s next, where’s next, when will it be. What will people think of me? Am I stupid? I know I had to leave but I think people will think I was an idiot. I did the wrong thing. I need to get my stuff it’s all still there. I need to work out my meal plan I need to speak to my support worker. I feel like they gave up on me in there but now I’ve left will I be given up on more?
The unknown is the worst
I’m so confused. I seem to be getting worse in here. Everyday taking a step backwards. Not forwards. Tomorrow my consultant comes in. I’ve asked for a bed somewhere else but haven’t heard back yet so I’m Gonna ask to go home until a bed comes up somewhere else. As I swear I was doing better at home before I came in here. How can I have got worse. Who’s health gets worse when they get admitted to hospital. It should be the other way round
I don’t know what’s happened this week but each day just gets worse. A step back each day. And the further I step back the harder it is to step forward.
I got sent a picture earlier. It’s not a bad thing. I asked for one. Something to aim for. Something to get me back on track. But I just can’t believe the difference 9 months has made. I’m shocked. But it still hasn’t really made me feel ill still hasn’t hit it home yet
I hate myself because:
- I’m a failure
- I ended up in hospital
- I let this illness win
- I was/am weak
- I can’t eat and when I do I hate myself too
- I ugly
- I’m lost
- I’m alone
- I’m stuck
- I did this to me
- I’m destroying over people’s lives
- I’ve destroyed mine
- I don’t have the fight I need
- I’m losing
- I failed
- I let people down
- I wasting space
- I’m wasting food
- I’m making people angry
- I’m angry
I hate everything about me. If I eat I hate myself. But then if I don’t eat I hate myself as that’s delaying my recovery. I see people on Facebook, I look at my family, my partner, there all going out. Doing normal things and I’m stuck here Because I’m failing at doing an essential thing in life. I hate how my brain is always churning how I can’t make a decision how I’m in constant turmoil, how I don’t know the right thing to do. Everything. I hate myself. Change me and I’d be ok. I’m the problem.
Food makes me feel so guilty.
Ok so today If I go back through my meal plan I know I’ve failed 4 out 5 meals so far. 2 not even started and 2 not completed and 1, being supper competed. So realistically I know I haven’t eaten much. But I feel so guilty. I feel that because I’ve managed supper (half portion) so one chicken wrap I feel I shouldn’t be here. I feel I’m fine. I feel I’m a fraud. Even though I’ve lost weight I haven’t completed the meal plan for over a week now and I struggle to finish any meal. But when I do I feel so guilty. Like I’m taking some one else’s place. Like I shouldn’t be here. I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve the funding I’m not Ill enough I’m not ill at all. I shouldn’t be here. I don’t need to be In hospital. This is how I feel every time I eat a meal. I am fine. I can do this by myself. Yes the nurses are doing my obs four times a day but this still doesn’t tell me Ill. If I smile or laugh or try to include myself I feel guilty too.
When will I feel ill? Should I? Do I need to feel ill to get better? But if I don’t think I’m ill then I don’t need to get better?
Cut my mind out and I’ll be fine. I’m going crazy.
So today I left. Well got granted leave. Against doctors orders. It was that or I discharged myself. So after several discussions, an escape, a night away from that place and more discussions with consultants and support workers they agreed to grant me leave for the weekend. They said it’s un-advisable and against doctors ordeds as I’m medical too unfit and unwell (I’m fine, that’s nonsense) but if this is the only way to potentially get me to stay then they will grant me this.
The hope is I use this weekend to clear my head after an extremely tough and traumatic week there. They hope I realise that I need there help. That I am ill. That I need that place. And that I will stay. They hope that if I mange to stick to the meal plan in place I will come back and stay there to get the best recovery of they hope if I fail to eat this weekend tjat I will realise I’m so Ill I need there help. Basically they hope it finally hits me this weekend that I need them. There not the enemy. There here to help. It’s not prison. It’s hospital. There here to help. That’s what they hope.
I’m trying to remain open minded. Taking each meal time by meal time. Not looking too far ahead and not thinking about going back to “prison” yet. I needed to get out of there. I ran out twice I was shouting at staff daily, so angry at them , not eating, losing weight, running up stairs when I’m on no stair access. Just rebelling at every opportunity. I wasn’t doing it. I was getting worse. So them and me hope that this leave will help. It’s been a horrendous week. And a crazy 24 hours but hopefully this will be the turn around I need. I hope so. We shall see.
So yesterday I packed my case. I ran up the stairs. Yes you read correctly. I A: ran and B: went upstairs. Two forbidden activities but it felt good to disobey them, to pack.
I flipped. I’ve had enough. My boyfriend came to visit and we were told to sit in the hallway. When everyone else could have some privacy of a private room, sit in the lodge or the therapy hut. I get the hallway. This was the tip of the iceberg. This then ruined the 1st hour and then after lunch when my boyfriend came back we sat outside as the sun was out and got told to move to staff could watch me. I lost it. I flipped. I ran full pelt upstairs and starting frantically packing. I didn’t leave. I’m still here. But my case is still packed. I want to leave. I’m just petrified of the alternative. Petrified. It literally is the only thing keeping me. How scared of the alternative I am.
after the conversations we had yesterday with the staff I thought they would learn. They didn’t listen. Later that evening I got told to move yet again so staff could watch me and then I got told I’d been in the sun too long so could I move out of it. I’m 27. I know when I’ve had too much sun. I’m not 2. Then this morning I was told to leave the bathroom door unlocked and got checked up on if I was ‘too’ long. It’s a joke. It’s crazy.
My case will remain packed.
It’s not being unpacked.
Today I’m deciding. How today goes decides of if I stay or not. Then it will be only day by day. This place is making me crazy.
Maybe I’ll run again today maybe I’ll run up the stairs again. Disobey them. Annoy them Like they annoy me. See how they like it.
Woke up feeling like shit. Just can’t be atsed feel so crap. My stomach hurts, its full already but it’s only morning. I just want to cry but I’m out of tears. Woke up and my roommate gets bought a drink in bed. Me nothing. See. No one thinks of me. I don’t have ‘friends’ in here. They hate me. They think I’m weird. They judge me. They talk about me. I know they do. I want to go back to sleep and never open my eyes. All my positivity from yesterday is gone. Fuck off life. And this is before I’ve even got out of bed
I feel like I’ve been punished because I’m ill. I feel like I’m in prison. It’s bank holiday weekend and I can’t do anything. I’m stuck here. I can’t go sit in a beer garden I can’t go out and can’t do anything. How’s that fair. All because I’m ill. You don’t get punished for breaking your leg. You still have your freedom. They give you crutches or a wheelchair to help. Here they take that away and instead give me a leash as short as anything and watch me like a hawk. Why couldn’t I just break my leg instead of getting this 😦