Happy holidays 

So today I go away for a week. I should be happy. I should be buzzing. But I can’t help feeling like a kid again. Like I’ve lost all my independence. See I’m going away with my parents only so they can keep an eye on me. I wasn’t trusted to stay at home by myself. In case I tried to end my life again. Like I did last time they went away. I can understand why they’ve paid for me to go away and I’m

Beyond grateful that they have. I can’t thank them enough but I feel like all my independence has gone and that I’m being watched. 

I’m also worrying about food a lot. I’m worried I’ll over indulge as breakfast is included and I’m

Eating out at least twice. I won’t be having prawn salads or a bowl of skinny soup. The restaurant won’t do that. 

So yes I’m happy I’m going away but I’m also terrified to. Terrified of stepping into a swim suit. Terrified about food and also terrified it’s going to heighten my lonliness. 

I’ll keep you guys posted and up to date with how things go. Happy holidays. 

I miss it 

Had another bad day today food wise. The good thing is I ate all the sweets I had. So now I have none. And I’m not repacking them. So the diet starts now. No more snacking on sweets. No more snacking on shit. I will be skinny. I will be. Do you know what? I was looking back on old photos today and I miss how I looked. I miss the gap between my thighs. I miss my stomach caving in. I miss my clothes being baggy. And I miss the stares, the second looks. The whispering behind my back. I miss it all. I want it back. All of it. I want to be skinny again. I want people to look at me. Instead now I just blend in. How wrong is that? How messed up is that? It doesn’t make sense. All I know is I miss it all. And I want it back. All of it. I’mNot happier now. I’m no better off. Instead I’m probably worse off. I hate how I look. I detest myself. Every inch of myself. I’m Alone. I’m lost. And I hate my life. To the point I want my old self back. I miss it. I really do. I look at old pictures and long to look like that again. I long to be skinny. 


I miss this me 

???

I’m so hungry. Like starving hungry. I could eat so much. But I can’t. I don’t want to get fat. I’m already massive. If I eat any more I’ll get even bigger. It’s so hard. Im hungry all the time but won’t let myself eat much. I’ve just eaten a cereal bar and feel like I pig. I’ve skipped breakfast and lunch but still feel fat. I’m dreading Monday. It’s weigh in day. I know I’ll of put on. All I want to do is eat and get drunk. Both mean putting weight on. I’m also so alone. I’m longing for friendship for someone to talk to. I look at my phone and nothing. No messages. No calls. Nothing. No one would notice if I just disappeared. I wouldn’t be missed. I’m alone. I’mHungry and I want to get drunk. What’s the point in life!  

Drunk 

I’m drunk. Yep. I’ve passed the sober stage. Passed the tipsy stage. I’m now at the drunk stage. It feels good. My head feels fuzzy. Blurry. All my issues seem a little lighter. Like a weight has been lifted. Like there not real. It makes me feel better about myself. About my life. I like the feeling that drinkGives me. Do I have a problem? Yes I do. Do I know I do? Yes I do. Do I want it to stop? Yes. But it won’t. For asking as my life is messed up I think this will continue. Drink makes it all better. Ps. Sorry if this blog makes no sense. I’m drunk. 

Ugly 

I’m a fat ugly greedy ****. I really am. It’s not even 9am and I’ve already eaten two bits of homemade fudge. I then tried to make myself sick. But I can’t. Why can’t I. Why!! It’s not fair. I want to. I really do. I need to. I need to learn how to make myself sick. I have to. Today’s been a disaster already. I reached for the razor already. And that was without washing. I just ran to the bathroom picked it up and sliced my arms to shred. They now sting and are covered in blood. So now I can’t get my arms out. I’ll have to hide them. I’m meant to be dating etc. But who would want to date me. They’ll see my arms and run. I’m so messed up. I really am. I need something to change. I’m just thinking of jumping. Of ending it all. 

Drunk 

Sorry for the third blog in one day I just have so much to get out. I’m drunk. Very tipsy. Very alone. The feeling of being tipsy is addictive. It makes me feel good. I get a buzz out of it. I do it secretly sneaking drink into my room or taking a swig from the bottle in the fridge when no one is looking. I know I have a problem. I know I need to stop. But I can’t. I’m alone. I’m depressed and I’m. Raving drink. It makes me feel funny. Lightheaded. Buzzy. Good. It takes away my problems. It makes me sleepy so I pass out and fall asleep quickly. Forget the day. Forget the nightmare I’m living 

Drunk 

Sorry for the third blog in one day I just have so much to get out. I’m drunk. Very tipsy. Very alone. The feeling of being tipsy is addictive. It makes me feel good. I get a buzz out of it. I do it secretly sneaking drink into my room or taking a swig from the bottle in the fridge when no one is looking. I know I have a problem. I know I need to stop. But I can’t. I’m alone. I’m depressed and I’m. Raving drink. It makes me feel funny. Lightheaded. Buzzy. Good. It takes away my problems. It makes me sleepy so I pass out and fall asleep quickly. Forget the day. Forget the nightmare I’m living 

Friday blues 

I’m going to drink tonight. By myself. I’ll probably have one. Followed by another. And maybe even another. I’m not having a good day and need to feel the buzz of feeling tipsy. Everything is better that way. Today I had two appointments with psychologists. It’s nice. Or easy talking about the past and how your feeling. I don’t think they really get how unhappy I am. How I’m worried over money so much how I’m

Controlled by food. How traumatic the break up has been. How I’m

Struggling so much. I think they just think I’m fine. Well I’m not. I need a cuddle. A massive bear hug of a cuddle. All my positivity from the last two days has gone. 

A month 

Last bank holiday. A month ago. I was with my ex. This one I’m on my own. I have no intention to do anything. I have no motivation. Last one we went to the market and enjoyed the weather. This one I’mStill in bed. Last one was amazing. This ones shit. How a month can change everything. And not for the better. I’ve never felt so low. So depressed. So lost. So alone. I don’t see the point in life anymore. Why? Why bother? What’s the point? There isn’t. There simply isn’t. I can’t wait to say goodbye to it. My times up. That’s all I know. That’s all I want. To say goodbye to it all. To disappear forever. 

Failing 

I’m really not good. I can’t stop crying. I’ve stopped taking my meds. There making me feel sick. I miss my ex. I miss my old life. I can’t stop Feeling hungry. I can’t stopPicking at food. I feel fat. I am Fat. I’m alone. I’m lost. Im Hurt im upset. I’m failing at anorexia. I keep eating. Keep picking at food. Keep feeling hungry. I’m doing 100 sit ups a day. I’m sucking in my stomach. Im a mess. I want to die. I want to fall asleep and never wake up. I want everything to be over.