Washing 

I haven’t washed for nearly a week. I can’t bare to get naked and shower or bath. I can’t bare to see my naked body. I just spray deodorant and wash my hair. I can’t bare how I look. I can’t stand it. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg to a crap week. 

I adore my brother but we’re not speaking all because of my decision I made on my love life. 

I’m rapidly becoming skint and I’m trying to move out. The two don’t go well together. 

I can’t remember the last time I saw my bestie. She doesn’t seem Intrested in meeting up. I suggest it. But we get nowhere 

I’m tired. Like all of the time. I’m still being sick from my hernia. I’m sick of baking cakes and sick of the long commute to work 

My boyfriend isn’t speaking to me because I turned down a house he loved but I didn’t. 

I have no one to talk to and no life apart form work 

And right now I feel the world would be better off without me. I’m fat. I’m ugly. No one would miss me. Maybe I’d just be doing everyone a favour 

Lonely 

I’m so alone. I have no one to talk to and no one who cares. I’m so desperate for company desperate for someone to talk to that I’m already considering joining online dating again. I sit here in costa and it’s full of couple. Full of friends. Full of families. I sit in the corner. Alone and depressed.  My mood was ok earlier but it’s slipping by the minute. I’m so alone it hurts. I’m desperate to have someone to talk to. I look at my phone at there’s nothing. Facebook is full of happy couples getting married. Having babies. Going on holiday. Loads of happy things. And all I can do is sit and look. I’m miles away from all those things. If I were to die tomorrow no one would notice. No one would care 

Drink 

Drink. Alcoholic drink. It’s my friend. Yes it makes me gain weight. Yes it bloats me. But it makes me feel good. I’ve drunk for the third day/night in a row. Two of them on my own. I haven’t drunk till I’m drunk but I drink till it makes me feel good. I’ve had this problem before but managed to stop it. But now I feel myself falling back into the habit. One drink turns to two which turns to four. I don’t even drink it because I enjoy it. I’m going off the taste. I just drink it because I know it will make me feel better. 
I just ate a cake too 😦 bloody can’t stop eating! 

Lonely 

I’m so fed up. So alone. So desperate that I end up talking to toxic people. People who shout at me. Moan at me. Make me feel worse than I already feel. I just feel so alone. Like if I did end it all no one would notice. My funeral would be empty. No one would miss me. I’m due to start my new job tomorrow joe already thinking of phoning in sick and cancelling it all. I just don’t think I’m anywhere near ready for a full time job. The worst decision I made was leaving my two day a week job. That was just enough to get me by. But now I’m screwed. Working 5 days a week. I have no time to myself. No time to calm aimee down. I don’t know. Maybe it’s a good thing. After all I struggle when I’m alone. I don’t know. I just don’t feel ready. I don’t know what to do with my life. I just wish it was over that’s all. I just wish I didn’t exist. I long for a cuddle. For someone to hold me. To be able to talk to someone. To forget all my worries. All my problems. I’m so desperate for company. For an ear to listen. That I’ll talk to anyone. Even if they make me feel worse. 

Blogging 

Blogging is my outlet. It helps me. It gets out what I’m thinking. I don’t have anyone to talk to so I blog. 

Today I got told “I need to grow up” today I got told “I’m playing games” today I got told “you used me” All false statements. All untrue. But all hurtful. 

My ex hadn’t taken the breakup well. He’s trying to pin all blame on me. It was both our doing! Not just mine. I won’t be told I’m a user I won’t be told all those things. I did see a future with him. But things took a turn and I was honest and called it off. It would have been unfair for me to continue it. I’m not the one now bombarding my phone work messages. I’m trying to get through a day when I’m all alone. My family are away and I can’t tell them it’s over because they’ll worry too much. I was on suicide watch and now I’m alone they’ll worry even more. Ove promised my brother I won’t do anything. And i won’t. But it’s so hard when your so alone 

Blogging 

Blogging is my outlet. It helps me. It gets out what I’m thinking. I don’t have anyone to talk to so I blog. 

Today I got told “I need to grow up” today I got told “I’m playing games” today I got told “you used me” All false statements. All untrue. But all hurtful. 

My ex hadn’t taken the breakup well. He’s trying to pin all blame on me. It was both our doing! Not just mine. I won’t be told I’m a user I won’t be told all those things. I did see a future with him. But things took a turn and I was honest and called it off. It would have been unfair for me to continue it. I’m not the one now bombarding my phone work messages. I’m trying to get through a day when I’m all alone. My family are away and I can’t tell them it’s over because they’ll worry too much. I was on suicide watch and now I’m alone they’ll worry even more. Ove promised my brother I won’t do anything. And i won’t. But it’s so hard when your so alone 

Love

I’m sitting in costa. Having my skinny latte feeling the loneliest I’ve felt in a long time. I’m sitting opposite an elderly couple who are holding hands dunking there biscuits in there coffee still deeply in love. While me. Well I’m single again. Yep. Single Pringle. Yet again. And so alone. I feel like I have no one to talk to and am all alone in this horrible world. 

I’ve been told to sort my illnesses out. To love myself before somone else. It’s all anyone ever tells me. I just wish I wasn’t alone. 

Tears

I can’t stop crying. They just keep coming. Keep falling down my face 

I’m a mess. My mum and Dad are due to go away this weekend for a break but my mum now doesn’t want to go as she doesn’t want to leave me in this state. I’ve quit a job as I got a new one but haven’t bought myself to start yet. I’m just dodging the email I need to send. 

My current boyfriend and I are arguing. Over nothing and everything. He’s accused me of still being In love with my ex. And telling me I need to sort my life out 

I don’t know where to start to sort it. I’m a mess. All I want to do is sleep or hide in bed. I have no motivation to do anything. Not even bake which I love doing. I haven’t washed. Brushed my teeth. Changed my underwear. I’m a mess. A complete mess 

Lost 

I’m really not in a good place. I can’t stop eating. Today I had breakfast so was going to skip lunch but caved and had lunch too. I’m so fat but can’t stop eating. I’m sick of being told I’m not fat. I’m sick of being told “but your a size 6” I’m sick of hearing it. I’m nearly obese. I have rolls. I’m massive. I have a double chin. My belly pops out. It’s disgusting. It’s grotesque. I must realise people. As well as feeling fat I feel lost. Alone and very depressed. I can’t stop feeling suicidal. It’s all I think about. About jumping from a building. Hanging myself. Taking an overdose. All I think about day in day out is ending my life. But I can’t talk about it. I have no one to talk about it too. I don’t want to upset anyone or burden them with it. I just feel so alone but at the same time I don’t want to socialise. I don’t want to see people I just want to disappear. Days past in a blur. I’ve got a new job but doubt I can do it I’m just a fat depressed lonely person 

Kill me

Someone just kill me. Put me out of this misery. Life really isn’t worth living. I’m being made to feel shit my Someone. I’m being made out to be the one at fault. I’m being made out to be a bitch. On top of that I’m crap at restricting I’m so damn hungry all I do is eat. I’m putting weight on. I’m getting fat.  Then there’s the lonliness. Everyone cancels on me and I’m so so so alone. I have no one. Today i went for an interview got home and no one asked how it went. I hate lonliness. It’s horrible. So I’m alone fat ugly  and just wasting life. Kill me now.