Muddling through the muddle

Today has just felt like a muddle. I can’t really explain how I feel, what I feel or why I feel how I feel. It’s all just a mess. 

I’ve literally plodded through the day (mainly because I’ve felt so physically weak and drained) but I’ve felt flat all day. If flat is a good way of explaining it. I cried today, I cancelled going out today. I cancelled going out, to sit in my room alone, bored, lonely. Does that make sense to you! Shows how much of a muddle my brain Is. I get the option to go out and physically just can’t face going. So I cancel. To be alone. 

I’m right off my food. I’m so hungry. I’ve felt faint all day today but there is nothing I fancy. I can’t think of anything. Apart from alcohol or sweets. And sweets I gave up for lent so I’m not going anywhere near them. 


I dont know. That’s it. That’s all I know. All I know is i don’t know. I don’t how to feel, what to feel, what to do, how to carry on living, how to get out of this, how to eat, what to eat. I just don’t know 

Lonely as hell

I’m so lonely it’s ridiculous, so bored, so fed up, so hungry but most of lonely. If I wasn’t lonely I wouldn’t feel some of the things I feel. 

I have no one. Well next to no one. I have my one best friend who I adore but I can’t always bug her. She has life to live not just me. 

I’m so fed up so bored I come home from work get into bed. Have the daily debate of weather to ea dinner or not. Check the Same social media sites 100 times and have an agh and sleep. Or try to sleep. What life is that!!! 

I have a long weekend booked off, what’s the point. It will be crap. I’ll be alone. I’ll do nothing. Who lives like this. 

And food. All I think of is food. I’m. Hungry but trying not to eat. If I can’t have company I don’t want food as Company. But cooking my soup and eating it will take up 15 mins. That’s 15 mins doing something not being bored. 

Prison 

I want to run away. I want to not exist. I want to get so drunk. I want to just hide. I want a cuddle. I want to feel my stomach flip when I meet a guy. I want to feel wanted, needed, like I’m here. But I don’t. I’m just no one. Nothing. Barely existing.

I want friends, I want to do so much stuff, I want to live, to explore, to have fun. But I can’t. I don’t. I’m trapped. In a prison. My prison. I’ve created it. And I can’t get out if it. No one else created this. Yes people haven’t helped but ultimately I’m not happy, I’m depressed, I have an eating disorder, all because of me. I hate myself, detest myself, no wonder everyone else does to! I’m worthless, I’m alive but I’m not living, I’m merely just here in earth plodding through. I always plod. Plod plod plod. I’m sick to Death if bloody plodding, sick of this life, sick of yet another night in drinking alone. I have an eating disorder I’m depressed and pretty sure I’m developing a drinking issue to! I’m a mess a fucked up mess. No wonder I’m alone and have nothing to show for life. 

And thanks to all the people out there that make me feel so much shitter about myself, I can’t help this I don’t choose this so maybe don’t hold it against me. But hey your all not in my life anymore because you didn’t care about me, I was just a mug. I’ll continue to be a mug, as I just care I’m always there I’ll always be thee for people. I’m the hope one day someone will rescue me. 
I’m a mess. I’m in prison. My prison. And can’t find a way out. At the. Injure this is me. This has become me. I’ve forgotten how to be other than this. Life. Life is hard. 

Life 

My way of getting g through life lately is to keep busy. Weather that be work or rushing around to and from the hospital visiting my Nan, or driving 2 hours after a long  shift to visit my grandparents. I just have to keep busy. But when it all stops. Like today. It bloody sucks. 

I’m so lonely it’s unbelievable. It’s a Saturday night and I’m sitting in my room. Where I always am. Drinking alone. As I have no one to be with. My friend is busy. My other friend is at work and my other “friend” just had a go at me. That’s it. There my options. My only options. There all busy and I’m left here like a loser. It’s not there fault. It’s mine. There’s clearly something so massively wrong with me that no one wants to be my friend. How can someone have a million friends and someone have 2 / 3 mates. One of them who ignores you all the time. What’s so wrong with me. Well I don’t know the answer but I hate myself so I don’t blame others for nOt liking me either. I’ll be a loner forever. Desperate for a friend. Pathetic isn’t it. That’s my life. Pathetic. Non existent. Might as well just be over. 

Happy Saturday everyone. 

Am I even here 

I haven’t blogged for a little while, been in a bit of a dip and haven’t known what to think let alone say. But yesterday I was feeling positive and was smiling. I knew it wouldn’t last. And some selfish person has taken they away from me. 

My best friend. Well I say my best friend. We were best friends. We would tell each other everything! See each other all the time. Help each other. I was there when she wasn’t doing well and she was there for me. I was the one who bailed her out and lent her money, did her food shop, popped up to see her when we were looosing contact. And now I find out she’s moving. And hasn’t even told me! Was she even going to tell me. If it was for her partner putting it on Facebook I wouldn’t have known. Imagine if I turned up at her house and someone else answered the door. I’m so fucked off it’s ridiculous. It’s totally taken my mood and now I feel like shit.

I’m just used, the doormat everyone steps over and forget. The piece of rubbish in the bottom of the bin that is stuck there and forgotten about. Covered over by A bin bag and will forever remain that way. 
What is so wrong with me. I have barely any friends. I’m so alone. What’s so wrong that no one wants to be my friend. Be there for me. Text me for once and ask how I am. Not the other way round. 

I’ll always be the one people forget. Aimee who?????? Well screw them all, life’s a bitch and I’ve had enough