Ana

Ana still has such a grip on me. This weekend due to having interviews I’m away from the hospital for 3 nights. And as soon as I leave I go into restricting. I plan what I can miss. I swap main meals for light meals or miss them all together. I don’t see how or when this will change. Right now when I get discharged. (Which will hopefully be soon) I know I’m going to go back to restricting. J can’t wait for that moment. But it’s not all beacaue I want to it’s partly beacaue I have to. It’s me now. It’s what I do. It’s what I’m good at. And I can’t stop it. When I’m in hospital I eat. Just to eat my way out of ther. Waiting for the day I’m discharged and all the restricting can start. I don’t see it not Happenjng. I can’t picture myself sitting there thinking “let’s have dinner ” I can’t see myself doing a big food shop. I can’t see myself maintaining my weight. I’m physically repulsed by my figure. Tonight I had a bath. The first in a very long time and say there with the razor cutting my ugly hideous stomach. Pinching more of an inch then cutting it. Punching cutting pinching cutting. Feeling the sting , seeing the blood. It felt good. It relieved some of the hatred. I hate my body. All 8st of it. I look ugly beyond words. Ugly dressed and hideous naked. It’s ghastly. No one will ever want to be seen with me or go out with me. I’m destined to be alone and miserable forever. The only thing I have is ana she’s part of me. She makes me feel wanted. She makes me feel like I have someone. She still controls me and has such a grip on me. I’m so alone. I miss people but know I can’t miss them. I’m all by myself and no wonder I am. I’m a horrible person who would be better of dead 

Monday blues 

Well today’s been rubbish. 

I don’t think anyone fully understand just how hard being in hospital is. Today was weigh day. And I instantly convert in to stone and I’ve gone up so much I’m in another stone! Being 7st something I can accept but being 8st something I can’t. I hate myself so much now I’m in the 8st catergory. I’m fat. I’m ugly. I’m heavy. I hate it. I long to be 7st something it ideally 6st something. 

Today I sat in Costa and cried. Everything is getting to me today. I’m so alone. I’m talking to random guys on internet dating but it means nothing and makes me feel more alone. I feel no one notices me. I feel invisible. 

I also feel like I was meant to live. I don’t think I was made for life. If my mum hadn’t miscarried her first then I wouldn’t be here. I suck at life. I’m pathetic and weak. I’m not living a life I’m merely wasting it. I long to close my eyes one night and not wake up. End all of this. It would be so much easier. 

Rejection. 

Surprise surprise I didn’t get picked to run the London marathon. Now my head knows this is a ballot and it’s luck weather you get in or not but I’m sitting here feeling rejected it. Like they looked af my application and decided I wasn’t good enough. They picked me out. Saw me and said no. That’s how I feel. I feel I always get rejected. It’s the story of my life. All my friends reject me. Some family have even rejected me. Patients here forget about me. Staff too. I feel like I’m invisible. No one ever notices me. I’m sick and tired how one thing can ruin my mood. Like not getting in the marathon. That’s it. My moods gone. I’m pissed off. And fed up. And I know your sick of hearing it but I’m so alone. So alone. I’m longing to hear from people, determined I won’t be the first to message them like I always am . I want to see if they care and see if they choose to talk to me. But the longer the silence the more I realise they don’t care and maybe there not my friends. It’s a lonely world being in here. Everyone is going about there day to day lives and here I am l left behind merely watching them live there lives and moving on. Leaving me for dust. 

Interview. 

Sitting on the train crying writing this 

When will this all stop. When.  It has to! Surely I’ve suffered long enough. Surely. What on earth did I do so wrong to deserve all of this. What?! 

Today I had an interview. For my dream job. Baking. I spent 3 hours baking and when I finished instead of feeling pleased and happy. I felt sad and lost. 

It’s what I want but I know I’m not good enough to get the job. My baking is just home baking. And if by a miracle I got the job I wouldn’t take it as I can’t afford to live in London. It also worries me how long I’ve been out of job. I’ve been without a job now for about 6 months. 3 hours baking today has killed me. I’m shattered. How pathetic is that. How am I ever going to manage going back to a full time job. It scares me. It scares me what this illness has done to me. It scares me how comfortable I’m getting in hospital how easy it is. It really scares me. 

Today I’ve skipped lunch. I got that hungry feeling. And I loved it. It felt good to be hungry and ignore it. To rise above it and not give my body what it wanted. It felt good not to eat. How messed up is that. 

I really wish my life could just be over then all of these problems, issues, worries I’ve got would be done. 

I’m so alone. My best friend no longer really talks to me. Internet dating is going no where and makes me feel more alone. I long to be hugged to have a massive hug which just makes me feel better. I long to be normal. I long to have friends. To be able to talk to them to go out. I long for a life that I know I never will have as ana still has a massive grip on me. 

I’ll get weighed tomorrow and if I haven’t put on enough there going to move he backwards. 3 weeks running now my weight has slipped and I’ve not been doing enough so if it happens again I know the outcome. 

I need to eat to get out of here to restrict but it feels good every time I cave and give In to ana. It doesn’t feel good when I eat but it does feel good when I restrict. What illness is that. A messed up one. I miss people looking at me because I’m skeletal. No one looks at me anymore. 

I just want a hug and to cry and to close my eyes and this all to be over. I want to drink till I’m legless I want to bury myself in my duvet and not come out. 

Oh and I think I’m becoming addicted to coffee. 

So much for an interview trying to make me feel better. It’s just made it all so much worse!! 

Dumped 

Well today I was meant to have a date. But surprise surprise they cancelled. 

It was no surprise really. Who am I kidding. Who would want to date a fat ugly loner loser of a girl who’s so weak and pathetic that she ended up in hospital beacaue she can’t do the basic necessitiy of a human being and eat. Oh and it clinically depressed too! Why! Why would anyone want to date this when they can date a stunner of a girl who’s normal and thinner and not fucked up in the head like me. 

I don’t know why I stupidly let myself get my hopes up and get excited and made up for the date only to be let down. I should have know this was comin. Deep down I knew he would cancel but was still secretly thinking he might go through with it. But who was I kidding. I’m an anorexic depressed loser and he doesn’t want to get involved with that when he can have anyone else. 

Well that’s my Saturday ruined. Can you Imagine being in hospital all day and having nothing to do. It’s torture. No one to talk. Nothing to do. Nowhere to go. Well today can fuck off like all the others can. I’m done with this all. I’ve well and truly had enough 

Floodgates 

The floodgates opened today. All I’ve done today is cry. Today has been horrible. I’ve cried over everything. From little things to big things. Literally everything 

I’m so sick of this all. I just want it to end but I can’t see how it will. I was meant to have a job interview tomorrow but bailed as I know I won’t get it and can’t even do it if I was to get it. I baked a cake today but because it wasn’t perfect I cried. I cried in art therapy. I cried in the kitchen. I cried to my brother. My mum has called work tomorrow and cancelled so she can see me as I’m really not ok. I’m self harming again. I’m angry. I’m frustrated. I’m massively struggling mentally. I can’t see how this will all get better I really really can’t. Right now all I want is to close my eyes and never ever open them again. Please all pray for me that that happens. It’s really what I want. This to be over. This “life” to end.

The blues 

I feel shit. Nothing can cheer me up today. I went out with my parents which was nice but even that didn’t make me feel good. I won scrabble with the patients but that still didn’t raise a smile. I bought a new top, but nope, still nothing. A patient plaited my hair but I still felt crap. 

I tried to shower away the blues but that didn’t work. Nothing’s working. I feel so low. I’ve had the nasty thoughts all day today. I got the train to meet my parents and looked at the windows. Imagined how I would do it. Saw a bridge and thought it again. There coming back more regularly at the moment. I seem to be in a big rut right now. I’ve started to self harm again. I feel I need to. I look obese I hate how big I am I hate how lonely I am I hate much of a failure I am. I hate it all. I hate that it’s Saturday night and I’m sitting on my hospital bed alone. I hate that I have a day out but have to come back here. I hate how I have to keep eating and keep putting weight on. I didn’t manage to skip as much of my food today as I planned. It was many easy as my mum knows what I need to eat. So not much was skipped. Which makes me feel even fatter. Even worse. 

I’m so alone so fed up so low I just want this all to end and I don’t care how I just want it over. I want to restrict u want to loose weight. I want to feel my bones. I want to see them. I want my stomach to go in not out. I hate every single part of me 

Jealousy

I’m jealous. It’s a horrible feeling jealousy. It makes me feel worse. It makes me feel even more lonely. It makes me hate myself. But I’m jealous. I’m very jealous. 

What am I jealous of you may ask. Well I’m jealous of, friendship other people have, I’m jealous of other peoples lives. I envy them. I envy there life. I’m envious of the friendships they have and how strong they are. I’m jealous of how many friends they have , how many turn up to there party. How many attend there wedding. I’m jealous of all of this. I’m jealous of everyone. Everyone is so much better than me. I’m just here. Stuck in hospital. Extremely alone. I’m surrounded by 15 other patients but I feel so alone. The loneliest I’ve ever felt. I’m jealous of people who take there lives. How bad is that. But I wish I could do what they have done. I’m jealous of the relationships other people have. I’m Helios of everything. And it’s a horrible feeling. I hate it. I hate how it makes me feel. And I hate to admit it. But it’s the truth. I’m alone. I’m jealous. I’m envious. That’s me. There the words that describe me. I don’t know how I ended up like this. I don’t know what’s so wrong with me that I have hardly any friendships. I don’t know what’s so awful about me that I don’t have a relationship. I just feel like I’m a cloud. I’m here but people can walk straight through me and not even feel me or see me. I’m invisible to everyone. No one knows how much I’m hurting. How much of a struggle every day is. I’m a pro at the ‘I’m fine’ the fake smile that hides a thousand feelings. I’m an expert at it. Each day I’m here the more lonely I feel. The more envious of others I am. The more jealous I become. Wishing I was someone else. Wishing I had someone else’s life. And it’s horrible. 

To be lonely 

To be lonely feels horrible. It’s one of the worst feelings. You feel empty. Lost. Alone. Forgotten about. Ignored. There’s so many emotions that go with feeling lonely. 

You want someone to talk to you. Ask you how you are. But they don’t. You want someone to choose to speak to you bit just speak to you because you said something or they were made to. But they don’t. You want someone just to sit there and keep you company. You want your phone to ring or ping a message up. But it doesn’t. You want someone to hug but there isn’t. You want someone to tell you your not alone. But there’s not that person. BeacUe you are alone. Your the loneliest your felt. Stuck in your room in hospital twiddling your thumbs longing for someone to want to talk to me. Longing for company. Just longing to feel loved. Liked even. Anything. A simple hello. A simple how was your day. Anything. But no. Nothing. As I’m lonely. And that’s it. I must be the problem. I’m the underlying factor. I’m the reason I’m lonely. People can’t like me. People don’t care. I was gone all day today and no one noticed me come back. If the fire alarm went off and I didn’t get out no one would notice. That’s how I feel. That’s how alone I feel. I’m fed up of try to start conversations or text messages asking how someone is. I want them to meaaage me. To make me feel wanted. Liked. To make me feel like I have someone who cares. But they don’t. It’s just me. Alone. Forever. 

It’s me 

Stuff has happened and it’s all my fault. If it wasn’t for me being ill. If it wasn’t for me being in hospital. If it wasn’t for me skipping meals. If it wasn’t for me being honest. If it wasn’t for me. None of this would have happened. Therefore it’s all my fault. Regardless of what anyone says it’s is blatantly obvious it’s m fault. I’m the one factor that  underlying issue. It’s me. If I wasn’t weak I wouldn’t have anorexia. If I was strong and tough this wouldn’t have happened. But instead I was weak and pathetic. And still am. 

I’ve often thought the world would be better without me and now even more so. 

If the world didn’t have me losds of people wouldn’t have problems. It was because of me a relationship broke down. It’s beacaue of me my parents are ashamed of me. It because of me I’m not effecting other people’s relationships. It’s because of me there’s been arguing. It’s all because of me. So why can’t I just close my eyes forever. The world and people would be better off without me. I’m toxic. I really am.