So I’m home leave all this weekend and it’s been great to be away from the hospital and to feel slightly normal. I’m dreading tomorrow and going back but at the same time seeking the comfort. I hate to admit that. But it’s weird being away from there. It feels like I’m on holiday. Or floating in a bubble. It doesn’t feel real.
I didn’t really manage to skip too much yesterday. I swapped a main for a light and skipped all my snacks. Today I’ve managed to skip two snacks and dessert and tomorrow I know I can easily skip lunch, possibly breakfast, two snacks and swap my main for a light. When will this stop! When will I not want to restrict. I literally detest my body. It’s horrendous. It’s ghastly. It’s ugly. Today I’m squeezed into a size 6 pair of jeans. Remembering when they used to be far too big and missing that. I look at my stomach now and miss how it used to go in. Now it goes out and is scarred all over.
Anyway. Today’s been lovely. The weekend in general has. I’ve seen my grandparents, seen my best mate, and spent today at the seaside with my mum and dad. We walked all the way from frinton to Walton and back and I’m very pleased we’ve done over 10000 steps. Burning off the sandwich I had to eat!
Ana still has such a grip on me. This weekend due to having interviews I’m away from the hospital for 3 nights. And as soon as I leave I go into restricting. I plan what I can miss. I swap main meals for light meals or miss them all together. I don’t see how or when this will change. Right now when I get discharged. (Which will hopefully be soon) I know I’m going to go back to restricting. J can’t wait for that moment. But it’s not all beacaue I want to it’s partly beacaue I have to. It’s me now. It’s what I do. It’s what I’m good at. And I can’t stop it. When I’m in hospital I eat. Just to eat my way out of ther. Waiting for the day I’m discharged and all the restricting can start. I don’t see it not Happenjng. I can’t picture myself sitting there thinking “let’s have dinner ” I can’t see myself doing a big food shop. I can’t see myself maintaining my weight. I’m physically repulsed by my figure. Tonight I had a bath. The first in a very long time and say there with the razor cutting my ugly hideous stomach. Pinching more of an inch then cutting it. Punching cutting pinching cutting. Feeling the sting , seeing the blood. It felt good. It relieved some of the hatred. I hate my body. All 8st of it. I look ugly beyond words. Ugly dressed and hideous naked. It’s ghastly. No one will ever want to be seen with me or go out with me. I’m destined to be alone and miserable forever. The only thing I have is ana she’s part of me. She makes me feel wanted. She makes me feel like I have someone. She still controls me and has such a grip on me. I’m so alone. I miss people but know I can’t miss them. I’m all by myself and no wonder I am. I’m a horrible person who would be better of dead
Today I received the worst news ever. My grandad. Who I adore. Has cancer. I’m crushed. I’m speechless. Im lost for words. He’s my world I admire my grandparents so much. This is the worst news ever.
It puts into perspective how pathetic I am. And how stupid. How weak and How selfish I am. Here I am in hospital wasting my life all beacaue I fail at eating after a few hard moments in my life. Nothing extreme. Nothing too terrible. And there’s my grandad who is the happiest go lucky man there is. Friends with everyone and would do anything for anyone. There he is living his life to the full. Hasn’t done anything wrong and gets dealt the cancer card. I’m in here and my mum has to worry about me when she’s just found out her dad is ill. I’m being selfish. I shouldn’t be a worry. I shouldn’t be a burden. No one should give me the time. My grandad needs everyone not me. I’m a selfish lazy stupid idiot of a human being who has messed up my own life. I deserve nothing. I deserve to be dealt a bad hand. Not my grandad. My grandad doesn’t deserve this. He’s the kindest loveliest person. He’s truly inspirational. He’s amazing. I’d take it away from him if I could. Id have it. I deserve it. Not him
Well today’s been rubbish.
I don’t think anyone fully understand just how hard being in hospital is. Today was weigh day. And I instantly convert in to stone and I’ve gone up so much I’m in another stone! Being 7st something I can accept but being 8st something I can’t. I hate myself so much now I’m in the 8st catergory. I’m fat. I’m ugly. I’m heavy. I hate it. I long to be 7st something it ideally 6st something.
Today I sat in Costa and cried. Everything is getting to me today. I’m so alone. I’m talking to random guys on internet dating but it means nothing and makes me feel more alone. I feel no one notices me. I feel invisible.
I also feel like I was meant to live. I don’t think I was made for life. If my mum hadn’t miscarried her first then I wouldn’t be here. I suck at life. I’m pathetic and weak. I’m not living a life I’m merely wasting it. I long to close my eyes one night and not wake up. End all of this. It would be so much easier.
So it would appear I suffer from anxiety. I really didn’t think I was an anxious person. But I am.
Today I travelled to Canterbury to stay with a friend and have a night out.
I’m anxious about staying.
I’m anxious over going out
I’m anxious about the food
I’m anxious about my outfit.
I’m anxious about being social.
I nearly had a meltdown in m and s choosing dinner. I was sweating and shaking. I didn’t sleep last night I was so anxious over this weekend. I should be enjoying it not being anxious. I’ve got butterflies in my stomach all the time. I feel shaky and nervous. It’s nothing new. I used to go out before but this illness, this stay in hospital had done this too me. I’m terrified of wearing my tight dress. Terrified people will think I’m fat. Terrified of seeing my stomach. I feel so anxious! The nerves aren’t going.
So today I was meant to have my second interview at the bakery. Instead I turned up and they appeared to have “forgotten” about it and told me they were too short staffed to do it today so could I come back next week.
I was fuming. No phone call. Nothing. It’s not like it’s even near to me. It’s the other side of London. A 2 hour journey. I’ve taken it very Personally and see if as a rejection and like always I’m the o e forgotten.
My brother saves the day though and met me for lunch. Though all I’ve done today is fixate on calories and counting how many I’ve had. And trying to cut some out. I don’t know why but lately I’m counting calories like mad. And fixating on what I’ve had and haven’t had.
Today’s been an odd one. And I’ve had too much coffee that’s for sure! But it was needed after the rejection earlier. When will I finally feel visible. When will I feel like I’m not always forgotten about. When will I feel like I exsist. Everything seems to be going wrong. It was all to good to be true. When will something go right?! Surely it’s about time something went right. Surely. I’m not asking to win the lottery I’m just asking for something good to happen
Surprise surprise I didn’t get picked to run the London marathon. Now my head knows this is a ballot and it’s luck weather you get in or not but I’m sitting here feeling rejected it. Like they looked af my application and decided I wasn’t good enough. They picked me out. Saw me and said no. That’s how I feel. I feel I always get rejected. It’s the story of my life. All my friends reject me. Some family have even rejected me. Patients here forget about me. Staff too. I feel like I’m invisible. No one ever notices me. I’m sick and tired how one thing can ruin my mood. Like not getting in the marathon. That’s it. My moods gone. I’m pissed off. And fed up. And I know your sick of hearing it but I’m so alone. So alone. I’m longing to hear from people, determined I won’t be the first to message them like I always am . I want to see if they care and see if they choose to talk to me. But the longer the silence the more I realise they don’t care and maybe there not my friends. It’s a lonely world being in here. Everyone is going about there day to day lives and here I am l left behind merely watching them live there lives and moving on. Leaving me for dust.
What is life. It certainly isn’t what I’m living now. This isn’t a life.
I just want to give up , I’m tired. So tired. My eyes are heavy. I just want to sleep.
I don’t know how much more fight there is in me. I’m dreading my mdt meeting tomorrow. Scared there going to push me back to progression beacaue of my weight. Scared they won’t give me leave. Scared they’ll take stuff away from me. I am trying. I’m still fighting but it’s so easy to skip snacks and now I’ve been skipping them for a while it’s so hard to eat them when I do. It feels so wrong.
Anyway. Night for now guys. My heads had enough today. I’ll fill you in on how ward round goes tomorrow. Night fellow bloggers.
Sitting on the train crying writing this
When will this all stop. When. It has to! Surely I’ve suffered long enough. Surely. What on earth did I do so wrong to deserve all of this. What?!
Today I had an interview. For my dream job. Baking. I spent 3 hours baking and when I finished instead of feeling pleased and happy. I felt sad and lost.
It’s what I want but I know I’m not good enough to get the job. My baking is just home baking. And if by a miracle I got the job I wouldn’t take it as I can’t afford to live in London. It also worries me how long I’ve been out of job. I’ve been without a job now for about 6 months. 3 hours baking today has killed me. I’m shattered. How pathetic is that. How am I ever going to manage going back to a full time job. It scares me. It scares me what this illness has done to me. It scares me how comfortable I’m getting in hospital how easy it is. It really scares me.
Today I’ve skipped lunch. I got that hungry feeling. And I loved it. It felt good to be hungry and ignore it. To rise above it and not give my body what it wanted. It felt good not to eat. How messed up is that.
I really wish my life could just be over then all of these problems, issues, worries I’ve got would be done.
I’m so alone. My best friend no longer really talks to me. Internet dating is going no where and makes me feel more alone. I long to be hugged to have a massive hug which just makes me feel better. I long to be normal. I long to have friends. To be able to talk to them to go out. I long for a life that I know I never will have as ana still has a massive grip on me.
I’ll get weighed tomorrow and if I haven’t put on enough there going to move he backwards. 3 weeks running now my weight has slipped and I’ve not been doing enough so if it happens again I know the outcome.
I need to eat to get out of here to restrict but it feels good every time I cave and give In to ana. It doesn’t feel good when I eat but it does feel good when I restrict. What illness is that. A messed up one. I miss people looking at me because I’m skeletal. No one looks at me anymore.
I just want a hug and to cry and to close my eyes and this all to be over. I want to drink till I’m legless I want to bury myself in my duvet and not come out.
Oh and I think I’m becoming addicted to coffee.
So much for an interview trying to make me feel better. It’s just made it all so much worse!!
What a difference a year makes. Today’s been quiet hard. I kept comparing it to a year ago. And how I felt a year ago and how I feel now. I think our brains are set to remember the good things more than the bad things.
But despite this, and yesterday not being great I’ve had a lovely day with family and even ate out! I was telling them though how I plan on restricting as soon as I leave and they found they quiet hard to hear. But when will it change. When will I suddenly want to eat and not restrict. Does he just happen? It will it never happen? I don’t want to be ill all my life but I can’t see a way out! My mood is all over the place lately. I’ve had a good day but still feel low and stressed and massively fat! They think it’s my medication change but I’m not sure. Tomorrow is a big day for me. I have a trial shift in a bakery but with my mood I’m tempted to back out. I won’t get it anyway so what’s the point! Who would want to employ me. I can’t even get a date let alone a job!! I’m worthless. One thing I know though. The past is the past for a reason and that chapter is over so I must not dwell!