So today I’ve literally been in bed all day. That’s not an exaggeration that’s the truth. I’ve left bed to go to the toilet and to make a coffee. That’s it. It’s 3:30pm and I’ve only just got out of bed. I’m still in my dressing gown. I’ll be back in bed within the hour. I wanted to pop up the town. It’s a 5 min walk there and a 5 min walk back. Just to grab a Costa coffee. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t get my mind to make my body change and put clothes on. I couldn’t get my mind to get my body out of bed. It was “in half an hour” “another 10 minutes” I know it sounds silly. I know people just hop out of bed and get changed. But I physically couldn’t. No matter how hard i tried I couldn’t get my mind to convince myself to get up. It sounds illogical. It sounds stupid I know. And if you haven’t suffered with it you won’t understanding and you’ll just be screaming “get up!!” But it’s not that simple!! This hasn’t just been today. Yesterday all I wanted to do was sleep but I had my boyfriend over and he got me up and out. Last week I spent all morning and part of the afternoon in bed. It’s getting more common. And I don’t know what to do. I feel I have no purpose to get up. No reason. And then it gets too late and impossible to get out. I have no job. I have no friends. I have no money to go out spending. I have no reason to bake. No reason to get dressed. No reason to get up. And I don’t know what will help me.
Happy new year everyone.
So I don’t know how I’m ok with all that’s been going on but I seem to be managing to plod along and keep my head above water. I think mainly because I was taken away to Rome for the weekend and had an Amazing time and the memories are getting me by.
So there’s been a big family fall out. I’ve lost my job because of my mental health. Again. I’ve had to get rid of half of my wardrobe because it doesn’t fit and I now have a double chin. It’s all been going on! 2019 has only just started and it’s already been eventful!
But back to happy times. Back to Rome. It was amazing. I ate what I wanted when I wanted and didn’t feel guilty. If I was hungry I ate. I chose what I wanted from the menus not what ana wanted. Yes I still had intrusive thoughts and it wasn’t a walk in the park. But I did it. I loved it. I enjoyed myself. I didn’t worry.
So what a year it’s been. Sometimes I don’t realise just how much I’ve overcome. But it really is quite a lot. So I started the year as an inpatient in hospital. I then moved to a day patient at a day unit. I discharged myself from both. I’m now living. Hospital free. Yes I feel fat. Yes I feel ugly. I feel massive. Like a ballon but I’m living! I still feel fat. I still have struggles. I still feel ugly. I still have moments. But I’m out of hospital. I’m living a life. So much has changed. So much. I’ve done loads in one year. I started 2018 in hospital and I’m ending2018 with the love of my life. What a bloody year.
Sometimes I miss it. I really do. When I was in hospital I was the closest I’ve ever been to my family. Ever. Now I’m out and “better” we’re becoming distant again. It’s like I have to be Ill to have there love. I miss it. I really do. When I was in hospital I had a lot my friends too. More people to talk to. It’s like I’ve got better and lost them too. I miss the closeness. The togetherness. The bonds. I really miss it. Part of me wants it back. To be Ill again. To have it all back
I can’t with this anxiety. I’ve been up all up night. I’m shaking. I’ve been sick. I can’t eat. I can’t sit still. My stomach is doing flips. I can’t cope with this. I have dreams about what I’m worrying about. I never get a break. I don’t know what to do. I have no one to talk to. I have to make a cake today and it’s made me so anxious. I had nightmares about it. I’ve been sick countless times. I can’t catch my breath. I’m a mess. What I really want to do. Is run away. Disappear. And never been found.
So a new one to me. Whilst I was at my worst and I’m hospital a lot of people in there also suffered with anxiety. But I never had a problem with that. Until now.
I’ve been off work with stress and sickness but I’m convinced it’s anxiety. Not stress. Today for example was a very unstressful day but I was still sick. A lot. And still had a very jittery butterfly nervous feeling all day long. I get anxious over the tiniest of things. The tiniest of things can become the biggest deal to me. I get anxious over parking. Over food. After chores I need to do. Over speaking on the phone. Work. Anything. I’ve never felt like this before. And it’s horrible.
I never feel relaxed. Ever. I can’t remember the last time I felt that. As soon as one worry is dealt with another develops. Most days it feels like I can’t even breathe. I struggle to get my breath.
I hate this and don’t know what to do.
What a mess. So close to Christmas too. My job hangs in the balance. I’m off sick. Not earning. Just getting fat. 2019 is meant to be “our year” we’re meant to be moving our growing up and living but how can I do that when I have no money. When I’m not earning. When I don’t know where I’ll be in two weeks time. I’m off with stress and sickness and I’m trying my upmost not to stress I’m trying my best not to breakdown and cry. I’m trying with all I have to be “ok” and enjoy this Christmas time. But all I want to do is cry. I don’t know where to turn what to do what to think or what to say. It’s like I’m a zombie. Living in a daze. Things just passing me by. My concentration has completely gone. I can’t even read a book anymore. I just sit and stare. I was meant to be going round the charity shops today but instead I opted to sit down and wait in a blur. I don’t want to ruin Christmas. I don’t want people to worry about me. I Want them to enjoy Christmas and not having the burden of me I want them to be worry free but it’s so hard putting the brave face on and acting ok when deep down I’m not. Deep down I’m a complete mess.
That’s it. The diet starts. I’ve tried on a million dresses today. And yes they all fitted. But. My arms are so fat. So wobbly. So ugly. I remember a time when the doctor had to take my blood pressure with the children’s cuff and still wrap it around. Not now. And Aswell as all dresses showing of my bingo wings they all cling to my stomach and shows of the bulge. I’m massive. I’m ugly. I detest myself. I will diet. I will lose weight. I have to. I need to. No more snacks. No more nibbling. No more unhealthy things. I will get back to a lower weight. I will. I’m considering joining weight watchers or buying diet pills. Something needs to change
So tonight I was supposed to be going out. But instead I opted for a cosy night in in front of the fire with the other half. This may not seem like a big deal. Or worth blogging about. BUT…we went to shop to get snacks and got a basket full of what can be described as junk food. Yep. You read correctly. A girl with anorexia bought a basket full of junk food. And what’s more. I don’t feel bad. I got exactly what I wanted. What I fancied. I didn’t once look at calories. I just chucked it all in. And I’m enjoying it. I can’t remember the last time I did this. And it feels good. It feels normal. Feels right.
This seems to be the one place I can say exactly what’s going on and not get judged or cause an argument or upset anyone. So I thought I get out what’s going on.
I’ve just spent the last 15 minutes picking out fluff from my jumper that had stuck and dried to the cuts I made on my stomach last night. They all started oozing and stuck to my top. I often think about giving myself liposuction. Just cutting off my whole stomach. I hate how wobbly and big it’s got. It over hangs all my jeans and tights. It’s disgusting. I’ve ordered three W new dresses online and I’m worried that there all going to look awful. There all figure hugging and I don’t have the figure anymore to wear figure hugging clothes. I’m so ashamed of my figure. It’s awful. It’s ugly. It’s hideous. I’ve really let myself go.
Today I skipped lunch at work but then I got hungry so I ate a slice of cake that couldn’t be sold as it had got squashed. So I ate it. Right fatty. I need to restrict. I need to loose Weight. But I just can’t seem to. I have no self control.
And on top of all of this I’m signed off work sick but I’m going im. I have family issues too and now someone very close to me is annoyed that I said I jealous of people still in hospital.
I can’t seem to do anything right so I may as just well stop and give up.