Hello

So I haven’t blogged in a while. I feel I’ve neglected you all but here’s an update…

Anorexia wise things are going ok. I still face obstacles and body image is just horrendous these days. I go days without washing as I can’t bear myself naked and can’t remember the last time I looked in mirror. But I can deal with that. Just about. I think I may be getting discharged from my eating disorder care coordinator too.

Depression wise I’m bumbling along. For health reason my meds that I’ve been on for two years have been stopped and I’m now on different medication. So it’s been quite hard. I’ve had really bad days. But I have to say overall I am surprising myself. I’m getting up, getting dressed and going to work or baking cakes. Whatever it is to keep me busy. Yes work. I have a job. It’s part time but I also just got offered a new full time one 🙂

And last but not least. Family wise. Well it’s a bit half and half. Me and parents we are great. We’re talking more. And I’m trying to spend a bit more time with them. But brother wise it’s not so great. We’ve had a tough month or so of arguing and not talking. And I thought we had cleared it all. I thought we were getting back to normal. But we’re not. I’m still being ignored. And I’m still feeling like I don’t exist. I’m making the effort but it’s not made back. It’s so hard. We used to be so close but now there just feels like this gap has come between us that maybe isn’t bridgeable. I hope it is. And I hoped the news we shared last week would help. But it hasn’t. It seems to have driven the wedge in further.

So all in all. I’m ok. I spend most of days with my soulmate planning for the future. Yes we’ve had our moments this past month but we’ve been under a lot of stress and tiredness too. So I don’t hold it against us. We move on. We make sure we spend days together not just an hour. We’re making time for us. Anorexia is slowing becoming less and less and my depression is still there, big time, but I’m managing to stay a float most days.

New Years

So what a year it’s been. Sometimes I don’t realise just how much I’ve overcome. But it really is quite a lot. So I started the year as an inpatient in hospital. I then moved to a day patient at a day unit. I discharged myself from both. I’m now living. Hospital free. Yes I feel fat. Yes I feel ugly. I feel massive. Like a ballon but I’m living! I still feel fat. I still have struggles. I still feel ugly. I still have moments. But I’m out of hospital. I’m living a life. So much has changed. So much. I’ve done loads in one year. I started 2018 in hospital and I’m ending2018 with the love of my life. What a bloody year.

Anxious

I can’t with this anxiety. I’ve been up all up night. I’m shaking. I’ve been sick. I can’t eat. I can’t sit still. My stomach is doing flips. I can’t cope with this. I have dreams about what I’m worrying about. I never get a break. I don’t know what to do. I have no one to talk to. I have to make a cake today and it’s made me so anxious. I had nightmares about it. I’ve been sick countless times. I can’t catch my breath. I’m a mess. What I really want to do. Is run away. Disappear. And never been found.

Anxiety.

So a new one to me. Whilst I was at my worst and I’m hospital a lot of people in there also suffered with anxiety. But I never had a problem with that. Until now.

I’ve been off work with stress and sickness but I’m convinced it’s anxiety. Not stress. Today for example was a very unstressful day but I was still sick. A lot. And still had a very jittery butterfly nervous feeling all day long. I get anxious over the tiniest of things. The tiniest of things can become the biggest deal to me. I get anxious over parking. Over food. After chores I need to do. Over speaking on the phone. Work. Anything. I’ve never felt like this before. And it’s horrible.

I never feel relaxed. Ever. I can’t remember the last time I felt that. As soon as one worry is dealt with another develops. Most days it feels like I can’t even breathe. I struggle to get my breath.

I hate this and don’t know what to do.