And all the positivity has gone. It’s all vanished. All disappeared. So I told me family I’m going out for coffee. Instead I went to the pub. Ordered two doubles and sat on my own drinking them. I have money worries but buying alcohol doesn’t bother me. I need it. I crave it. Today’s been hard. I’m up visiting my Grandad. My nan died less than two months ago and were up here helping sort out my nans belongings. I can’t be in the house. It’s empty without her. I miss her. I can’t be there whilst there sorting her stuff out. Bagging it up to take away. It’s too painful. So instead I took myself to the pub. To drink. To be out of the way. If I hide from it it’s not real. It’s not happening. If I’m not at the house if I’mNot sorting her stuff out then it’s not real. I can’t face up to it. I miss her too much. It’s all too raw.
So today I sat at the dinner table and cried. Not beacaue of the food but beacaue the ingredients I had asked for, for my baking session today weren’t in. How pathetic. A grown woman reduced to tears over the fact they didn’t stock condensed milk for me to bake with. How utterly pathetic.
Every little thing is getting to me. I got very anxious in my one to one, a parcel that had been delivered yesterday couldn’t be found, I’m stressed out over how I’m doing and what to ask for in ward round. I need to make an important phone call. But a. It’s finding the time. And b. It’s finding somewhere with enough signal.
All of these are stupid little things and there really getting to me. That and things from yesterday too. Being told I’ve used someone and walked all over them to stressing over a duvet cover. It’s only Tuesday and I’m a mess already. I want to ask for transition but not sure I’m ready buf then if I don’t ask I don’t think I’m pushing myself enough.
There are so many things in my head it might explode. Words people say hurt, things not going right get to me, my weight and body imagine annoy me and make me feel ugly. It’s never ending.
How do you prepare for the unknown?So tomorrow I’m off to the unit for an assessment to see if I’m fit to fly and can hold off admission for a week or if I’m unfit to fly and have to be admitted tomorrow. Either way I’m being admitted. Tomorrow or next week. Even if I pass the assessment I’m being admitted and could stay there from tomorrow. It’s all ifs and but and a hell of a lot of I don’t knows.
How much do i pack?
What do I pack?
How long will I be in for?
Do the supply things?
Do I need this or that?
Are the people nice?
When can people visit me?
Will I be on my own?
I’m scared, still in shock, speechless almost, don’t know what to think or make of it all. I thought it was all just a threat. But it’s reality. I can’t do this on my own and I have no choice but to be admitted full time. How did it get this bad? Will it ever get better? I’m so sorry to everyone I’ve failed or let down. I really am. I’m so sorry I’m so weak.
How do I spend my potential last night of independence? Can I hide my laxatives in my luggage? Can I just run around? Can I really do this? Question after question no answer after no answer