I think my mind is fu***d!
I can’t seem to think or concentrate on anything. There’s so much stuff going on in there I can’t filter it out and make sense of it and try and clear it. It’s all getting too much. I feel like i need to sort it out all at once but I can’t. Some of the stuff I can’t even sort out till I leave this place.
I got transistion yesterday. So I’m on the last ward before discharge now. I should have been buzzing and happy. Instead I just cried. I feel I have too much choice and I struggle with that. I like decisions go me made for me. I can’t make decisions well. I got given home leave but can’t decide weather to take it or not. I should but I don’t know if it’s a good idea. J literally don’t know anything and can’t think straight. My mind is full. It’s going to explode soon! And on top of all if that. I feel so lonely. I feel I’m being left out by people and forgotten about. This is what always happens to me. I always bet left behind. Cast aside. Forgotten about and left out. I feel like I’m in school again. I feel like a child being ignored by school friends. I feel pathetic. I don’t know what I feel exactly these days. There’s too many emotions and thoughts constantly going on in my head. It’s getting bad. It’s getting unmanageable
I’ve had enough of this place. I’ve had enough of my life. I’ve had enough of looking at a menu each morning choosing my meals for the day. I’ve had enough of eating 3 main meals a day and 3 snacks a day. I’ve had enough of the daily 4 hours of supervison. I’ve had enough of the pointless groups. I’ve had enough of being fat. I’ve had enough of constantly gaining weight. I’ve had enough of feeling and looking bloated. I’ve had enough of my massive belly. I’ve had enough of being bored and counting down the hours till the day is over. I’ve had enough of feeling lonely and completely isolated. Ive had enough of all the shit going on in the background. I’ve had enough of feeling like a burden. I’ve had enough of feeling tired. I’ve had enough of constantly thinking about food and the next meal. I’ve had enough of calorie counting and working out the “healthiest” option. I’ve had enough of this all. I’ve had enough of this place. I’m done. I’ve had enough. But the worst thing, even though I’ve had enough there’s nothing I can do about it!!!!!! I tried my size 6 jeans on last night. I can still get into them but there very very very tight. People told me to throw them out. But I won’t. The moment that button and zip doesn’t do up it will destroy me. But I need to keep them so I can measure my fatness. I’ve had enough. I really really have
I had a great day with my parents. Lunch out. Shopping. Picnic. Scrabble. And it was great. So nice to spend all day with them. They helped me to ignore all the shit going on around me and in my head and made me genuinely smile.
Now back to reality and all the thoughts are back! I’ve had to untuck my top so it’s baggy and sat and listed everything I’ve eaten and counted the steps I’ve walked. And I’ve come down like a led ballon. I’m probably as heavy as bloody led ballon too
I’ve had such a stressful week this last week. I’ve had police to deal with, past issues to deal with, weight gain, belly fat, money worries, food worries, everything. I feel like I need a nice cold alcoholic drink and a good old chat with my bestie. But I can’t. I’m stuck here.
Yesterday was tough. I had day leave but no one to spend time with so I walked around all day on my own looking at happy couples and families enjoying the sunshine and playing games while I’m sitting there on my own. Worrying about how big my belly looks. TodY took me ages to get ready. Everything shows of my belly. I look fat. Disgusting. And today was weigh in day. I’ve reached a number. The dreaded number. And it doesn’t sit well at all. I’m now at that bmi where I can drive and attend more groups as my “mind will
Be able to cope” . This In my head means I’m fat and definitely don’t need to be in hospital. My thighs are spreading my belly is pertuding. No longer caving in.
I check to see if I can still feel my hip bones everyday. I can. Just.
I check to see if I can still see my rib cage. I can’t. I’m fat.
This goes on day in day out and it doesn’t stop. At the minute my mental state is to just comply and eat everything. Get out of here and then go back. Diet. And be a weight and bmi I am “happy” with. The more weight I’m putting on, the higher my bmi goes the worse I feel. It’s still in the underweight category but this means nothing to me. It doesn’t register at all. All I’ve seen is I’ve put on so much weight, gone up through 3 different categories of bmi’s and am getting fat. I’m so unhappy with my body. I’ve never loved my body but I’ve been happier with it before than I am now. All I can think about all day is my body, my weight, my food and how I can burn it off or loose weight. I worry about weigh in each week I worry how I look. It’s constant. My brain is exhausted. And on top of all of this I’ve had a million and one things to deal with this week. But then I annoy myself. I feel shit and tho annoys me. There’s so many people in the world going through a hell of a lot worse than me and there fine. There living. There hAppy. There getting on with life and not letting it get to them. Then there’s me. A few problems. I few issues. An eating disorder and I’m like this and feel like this. I’m pathetic. I’m weak. I’m a sorry state of a human being. I hate myself.
My parents took me out today and it was lovely. Lovely to spend the day with them. But I spend the day thinking there probably looking at me and thinking I shouldn’t be in hospital. I’m too fat to be in hospital. It kind of kills my mood. But I’m determined not to let it affect the day. So I shove that smile on my face and try to block out all the nasty thoughts and problems. A smile goes a long way and hides a thousand feelings.
What am I doing. What. I haven’t a clue. I don’t even know. I don’t know what I’m doing. Nothing makes sense. I think I’m just trying to bury my head and cover up everything. I confuse myself. I annoy myself. I can’t explain how I feel. I can’t explain what I am doing. I don’t think I’m ready. Yet I’m doing it. It’s what I always do. I always get involved as it covers up my problems. Takes the focus off of me and I can focus on someone else. Get distracted. Laugh. Bury my feelings. But Is it wrong. Am I ready. I don’t know. I just don’t know what I’m doing. Who am I kidding. Who would want to spend time. Let alone date someone that is in hospital. I should be focusing on me. Getting me better. But yet again I hate me. So do everything I can do to not focus on me.
I’m so scared of life. Who should be scared of life. It’s not something we should be scared of. It’s something we should cherish and enjoy. But I’m terrified. Not even a tiny bit. A massive bit! There’s so much I don’t know. It’s all the unknown. I don’t know where I’m going to live. What I’m going to do. How I’m going to live. How I’ll get an income. Where I’ll work. I don’t know anything and it’s so scary.
Yes I want and need a fresh start. But it terrifies me. I’m so confused too. Being in hospital is almost easy. And it scares me how “comfortable” you can get. I shouldn’t feel comfortable I should want to get out. I do. But I’m scared. And I think that’s what’s holding me back. I’m trying to push myself. I’m trying every day. Every day is a fight. But I’m having to start a new life and it’s exhausting and scary. I’m a massive planner and I can’t plan anything as I don’t know when I’ll get out. Where I’ll go or what will happen. My life is literally on hold. I don’t and can’t have a life at the minute. I can’t do normal things. I can’t do everyday things. At the end of the day everyday ends up with being here. Stuck here whilst everyone lives there lives. And not just stuck here. Stuck here and getting fat too. I’m very lonely. I float around the ward I don’t really have anyone here. I’ve been dropped by people here like I have all my life. They go out together without me and ignore my messages. It’s like I’m in school again. I think I’ll always be lonely. But it must be me. I must repel people. I must be a horrible person. Everyone just forgets me and leaves me behind. Like a piece of rubbish left stuck in a bin. If it wasn’t for my family and my one true friend I’d be completely alone. But I feel I can’t talk to them too much a they have there own lives to live. I don’t want to interfere or always be negative. It must be draining on them.
I’m lost. I’m scared. I’m confused. I’m fed up. I’m fed up of being I’m here being restricted, having a curfew not being able to do what I want when i want. Fed up of being alone. Fed up of people leaving me out. Fed up of feeling fat. Just fed up. Fed up of not being able to live a normal life. I’m fed up of floating. I feel I’m in no mans land on This ward.
Sorry for the rant. Should be super Saturday but more life sad Saturday. And I’ve been out today. But just feel neither here or there today. Feel weird.
I so jealous of everyone. Everyone is out living there normal lives and I’m stuck in here. Something happened today and it was extremely stressful and all I wanted was a drink in the pub but couldn’t. Or even a late evening stroll. But couldn’t. It’s horrible. I can’t do what I want when I want. I’m not living a life I’m just in a bubble living a very surreal “life”. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. Stuck in here. It feels like a prison sentence. It feels like I’m being punished for being ill. I’m an outsider looking in on everyone living there lives. But I’m so scared of finding and beginning my new life. It’s so confusing. I’m not living a life and I want to but I’m scared. I’m jealous. I’m envious. I hate those feelings. I hate what this illness does to me and what it means my life has become. I hate it. Hate it. Hate it.
Today can’t get much worse. This week can’t get much worse. Surely. I’ve cried and cried I’m anxious more and more I’m stresssd to the max. I can’t seem to relax. All the little things are building up and then the big things just knock me down. It’s been a day of difficult challenges today and I can’t wait to climb under my duvet and forget about this day and say goodbye to it. My observations got upped today beacaue they were worried what I may do to myself and I had to hand my razor back over as they were worried I might use it to harm myself. If I’m honest I’m glad I complied and handed it over otherwise I may well have used it. My thoughts are still there and the nurses are keeping an eye on me but I’ll be ok. Today and yesterday were just tough days and they’ve taken there toll on me. But here’s hoping from now on things improve, closures is found and I can begin to move on and upwards
Day 100. I’ve been here 100 days! I’ve been in hospital 100 days. That’s 300 meals 300 snacks. Lots of weight gained, a pot belly, a depressed mind and a never ending amount of days left.
100 days wasted. 100 days seeing everyone live there normal lives while I’m stuck in here. 100 days of torture. 100 days of exhaustion. 100 days of fighting and trying. Well over 100 years shed. Nearly 1/3 of a year. That’s a long time.
I feel worse. The more I eat the worse I feel. The less I eat the longer I’ll be here. It’s a vicious cycle. I just pray I don’t reach the 200 mark but who knows. I don’t. That’s for sure. Just got to keep on plodding.
I don’t know why I do it but I do. I logged on to Facebook. Bad mistake.
Everyone is having babies, getting engaged, moving in together or getting married. Everyone is living there life. Everyone is getting on with everything, going away, socalising, living a life. And I’m stuck in here. And even when I do leave none of those things will happen as I’m so fucked up im a mess. I can’t blame people for leaving me, blocking me out and “forgetting” me. Who would want to be associated with me.
Life outside of here scares me. I’m scared I’ll relapse as all my worries before I came in here will come back. I need a fresh new start but don’t know how to get that.
I think I’m destined to be a mess and a failure of life forever.