So I’m sure this blog might explain a couple of things. My silence the past month or so and my positivity on my last blog. So………..there’s going to be the pitter patter of tiny little feet in September. Yes you read correctly. Me and my partner are delighted to announce that I’m pregnant and we are due in September! We’re over the moon! I’ve always believed pregnancy is a wonderfully special thing and that it is a miracle and this has just confirmed my belief. I’ve had a rollercoaster of a few years. I’ve been in and out of a+e about 5 times, each being an overdose, each one worse than the last. I’ve been a day patient at a eating disorder clinic, I’ve had a million jobs, months/years off sick, two full time hospital admissions, one lasting 8 months and hours and hours of meetings with psychiatrists, doctors and care coordinators. So I never ever thought this day would happen. I was told countless times by doctors that I was permanently damaging my body it wasn’t just the effect it had on me then it was the effect it would have on me long term. Ever since I was ill all my support team had known how much I longed to be a mum but the iller I became the less sure they were that I would become one, the damage I was doing physically and mentally was too much for my body. But I dug deep. Practically Discharged myself. And now where here. Yes it’s not been easy. It’s been a massive battle. Recovery isn’t straight forward. I’m still recovering In fact. My meds have been changed, I’m
Classed as high risk and I have to have to extra monitoring after the baby is born. But I’m determined this is the making of me. The making of us in fact. Me my partner and jelly bean (the bump) we’re our own little family and I can’t wait for the future. Yes things scare me. Post natal depression terrifies me! Anorexia returning even stronger worries me. If my mental health will pass on to my child. But I believe with the all the love and support I have, me my partner and jelly bean will be good. We’re are over the moon that we have been so blessed and can’t wait to welcome the little bundle of joy into the world in September!
So I haven’t blogged in a while. I feel I’ve neglected you all but here’s an update…
Anorexia wise things are going ok. I still face obstacles and body image is just horrendous these days. I go days without washing as I can’t bear myself naked and can’t remember the last time I looked in mirror. But I can deal with that. Just about. I think I may be getting discharged from my eating disorder care coordinator too.
Depression wise I’m bumbling along. For health reason my meds that I’ve been on for two years have been stopped and I’m now on different medication. So it’s been quite hard. I’ve had really bad days. But I have to say overall I am surprising myself. I’m getting up, getting dressed and going to work or baking cakes. Whatever it is to keep me busy. Yes work. I have a job. It’s part time but I also just got offered a new full time one 🙂
And last but not least. Family wise. Well it’s a bit half and half. Me and parents we are great. We’re talking more. And I’m trying to spend a bit more time with them. But brother wise it’s not so great. We’ve had a tough month or so of arguing and not talking. And I thought we had cleared it all. I thought we were getting back to normal. But we’re not. I’m still being ignored. And I’m still feeling like I don’t exist. I’m making the effort but it’s not made back. It’s so hard. We used to be so close but now there just feels like this gap has come between us that maybe isn’t bridgeable. I hope it is. And I hoped the news we shared last week would help. But it hasn’t. It seems to have driven the wedge in further.
So all in all. I’m ok. I spend most of days with my soulmate planning for the future. Yes we’ve had our moments this past month but we’ve been under a lot of stress and tiredness too. So I don’t hold it against us. We move on. We make sure we spend days together not just an hour. We’re making time for us. Anorexia is slowing becoming less and less and my depression is still there, big time, but I’m managing to stay a float most days.
I haven’t blogged for a while. I’ve been quite quiet. But I just thought I’d give a little update. Truth be told I’m not doing too well. I spend my days in bed. All day everyday. I have no motivation to get up and do things. I haven’t baked for ages and those who know me know I LOVE baking. I haven’t washed for 5 days. I just don’t really care. When I really should. I don’t have a job. Still. All I keep getting is rejection emails. I’ve only had one interview. I’m letting everyone down. We’re meant to be moving out but can’t till I get a job. I’m trying. But no one seems to want me. Can’t blame them really. My brother still isn’t talking to me. Last time we spoke was my birthday 6th jan and last time I saw him was ages ago. I didn’t even see him for Christmas. I’ve messaged him several times but he’s just ignoring it. We used to be so close when I was ill but now it feels like he doesn’t care. And this is all over The fact I’m back with my ex who he doesn’t approve off because he said something in the heat of the moment when I was in ICU. he didn’t mean it. He just said it in frustration but now they (my brother and sis in law) don’t talk to me and all my sis in law does is argue with me. It’s petty. It’s immature. I’m a grown woman. I can make my own decisions. And I love my partner. He’s my soulmate. So I will be with him. They just need to accept that. But they won’t. I’m not being harsh. Out of order. Unfair or anything. I/we haven’t done anything wrong.
So all in all I’m not doing great but I’m trying. I’m trying to get up. To do stuff. To keep busy. But it’s hard. So hard.
So today I’ve literally been in bed all day. That’s not an exaggeration that’s the truth. I’ve left bed to go to the toilet and to make a coffee. That’s it. It’s 3:30pm and I’ve only just got out of bed. I’m still in my dressing gown. I’ll be back in bed within the hour. I wanted to pop up the town. It’s a 5 min walk there and a 5 min walk back. Just to grab a Costa coffee. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t get my mind to make my body change and put clothes on. I couldn’t get my mind to get my body out of bed. It was “in half an hour” “another 10 minutes” I know it sounds silly. I know people just hop out of bed and get changed. But I physically couldn’t. No matter how hard i tried I couldn’t get my mind to convince myself to get up. It sounds illogical. It sounds stupid I know. And if you haven’t suffered with it you won’t understanding and you’ll just be screaming “get up!!” But it’s not that simple!! This hasn’t just been today. Yesterday all I wanted to do was sleep but I had my boyfriend over and he got me up and out. Last week I spent all morning and part of the afternoon in bed. It’s getting more common. And I don’t know what to do. I feel I have no purpose to get up. No reason. And then it gets too late and impossible to get out. I have no job. I have no friends. I have no money to go out spending. I have no reason to bake. No reason to get dressed. No reason to get up. And I don’t know what will help me.
Happy new year everyone.
So I don’t know how I’m ok with all that’s been going on but I seem to be managing to plod along and keep my head above water. I think mainly because I was taken away to Rome for the weekend and had an Amazing time and the memories are getting me by.
So there’s been a big family fall out. I’ve lost my job because of my mental health. Again. I’ve had to get rid of half of my wardrobe because it doesn’t fit and I now have a double chin. It’s all been going on! 2019 has only just started and it’s already been eventful!
But back to happy times. Back to Rome. It was amazing. I ate what I wanted when I wanted and didn’t feel guilty. If I was hungry I ate. I chose what I wanted from the menus not what ana wanted. Yes I still had intrusive thoughts and it wasn’t a walk in the park. But I did it. I loved it. I enjoyed myself. I didn’t worry.
So what a year it’s been. Sometimes I don’t realise just how much I’ve overcome. But it really is quite a lot. So I started the year as an inpatient in hospital. I then moved to a day patient at a day unit. I discharged myself from both. I’m now living. Hospital free. Yes I feel fat. Yes I feel ugly. I feel massive. Like a ballon but I’m living! I still feel fat. I still have struggles. I still feel ugly. I still have moments. But I’m out of hospital. I’m living a life. So much has changed. So much. I’ve done loads in one year. I started 2018 in hospital and I’m ending2018 with the love of my life. What a bloody year.
Sometimes I miss it. I really do. When I was in hospital I was the closest I’ve ever been to my family. Ever. Now I’m out and “better” we’re becoming distant again. It’s like I have to be Ill to have there love. I miss it. I really do. When I was in hospital I had a lot my friends too. More people to talk to. It’s like I’ve got better and lost them too. I miss the closeness. The togetherness. The bonds. I really miss it. Part of me wants it back. To be Ill again. To have it all back
I can’t with this anxiety. I’ve been up all up night. I’m shaking. I’ve been sick. I can’t eat. I can’t sit still. My stomach is doing flips. I can’t cope with this. I have dreams about what I’m worrying about. I never get a break. I don’t know what to do. I have no one to talk to. I have to make a cake today and it’s made me so anxious. I had nightmares about it. I’ve been sick countless times. I can’t catch my breath. I’m a mess. What I really want to do. Is run away. Disappear. And never been found.
So a new one to me. Whilst I was at my worst and I’m hospital a lot of people in there also suffered with anxiety. But I never had a problem with that. Until now.
I’ve been off work with stress and sickness but I’m convinced it’s anxiety. Not stress. Today for example was a very unstressful day but I was still sick. A lot. And still had a very jittery butterfly nervous feeling all day long. I get anxious over the tiniest of things. The tiniest of things can become the biggest deal to me. I get anxious over parking. Over food. After chores I need to do. Over speaking on the phone. Work. Anything. I’ve never felt like this before. And it’s horrible.
I never feel relaxed. Ever. I can’t remember the last time I felt that. As soon as one worry is dealt with another develops. Most days it feels like I can’t even breathe. I struggle to get my breath.
I hate this and don’t know what to do.
What a mess. So close to Christmas too. My job hangs in the balance. I’m off sick. Not earning. Just getting fat. 2019 is meant to be “our year” we’re meant to be moving our growing up and living but how can I do that when I have no money. When I’m not earning. When I don’t know where I’ll be in two weeks time. I’m off with stress and sickness and I’m trying my upmost not to stress I’m trying my best not to breakdown and cry. I’m trying with all I have to be “ok” and enjoy this Christmas time. But all I want to do is cry. I don’t know where to turn what to do what to think or what to say. It’s like I’m a zombie. Living in a daze. Things just passing me by. My concentration has completely gone. I can’t even read a book anymore. I just sit and stare. I was meant to be going round the charity shops today but instead I opted to sit down and wait in a blur. I don’t want to ruin Christmas. I don’t want people to worry about me. I Want them to enjoy Christmas and not having the burden of me I want them to be worry free but it’s so hard putting the brave face on and acting ok when deep down I’m not. Deep down I’m a complete mess.