Jealous

I keep seeing pictures of people I was in hospital with and there still so skinny. Some are even getting readmitted. I’m the only one that’s got fat. They all stayed skinny. I on the other hand didn’t. Ive ballooned. I’m massive. It’s so hard seeing these pictures. It makes me feel even fatter. Even bigger. I’mJealous of them. I’m jealous they’ve managed to stay slim. I’m

Jealous of how they look. I want to look like that. Not like how I look now. I bought some tight dresses with me this week and can’t wear them. I won’t. I refuse. They show my stomach off. I can’t do it. 

How bad is it that I’m jealous of there lives. There looks. I really am though 

F(fuller) A(appalling) T(tummy)

I’m so fat. Fat. Fat. Fat. Fat. Fat. It’s disgusting. It’s ghastly. It’s grotesque. I have rolls. My belly literally doubles over on itself. I’mMassive. But all my body wants is food. Food. And more food. I’m trying to restrict but being on holiday it’s near impossible. I’m having breakfast as it’s included in the price and my brain says it’s included so you have it. I then skip lunch but normally have something to snack. Today it was a bar of chocolate. The other day an ice cream. Then it’s dinner. And by then I’m so hungry and places are booked that I can’t back out. When I get home I’m adamant the diet begins. The restricting starts like no other restricting. I won’t have breakfast. I’ll throw all my sweets away all the tempting treats and snacks will go in the bin. And I’ll only have soup or salad for dinner. It starts as soon as I get back. I’ll try restricting to 500-700 calories a day. Nearer the 500. Under would be ideal. I need to loose this belly. I have to. I’m going to think of ways to keep myself busy and distract my mind from food. I’m also going to cut out the drinking. So my brain is now telling me to eat what I want whilst on holiday then lose it all when I’m back. I have to. I need to. I’ll soon be a size 8 rather than a 6-8 

Breakfast 

Today I had breakfast. The first time in months and months and months. The reason: we’ll it’s included in the price of the hotel so I feel like I have to other wise it’s a waste. The result. I feel fat. I feel greedy. I feel disgusting. What did I have you may ask. Toast? A full English? Scrambled egg? A bacon sandwich? A crossiant? No. None of them. All I had was a bowl of granola. Nothing amazing. I didn’t over indulge. It was just a normal everyday breakfast. A breakfast that people have all the time at home. A breakfast that comes in a cereal box and is consider healthy. That’s all I had. And I now I feel awful! Ashamed of myself. Disgusted. This isnt normal. I shouldn’t feel like this. I hate this. I want this all to end. I’m sick of anorexia.  Sick of the thoughts that consume my brain every minute of everyday. I want to just eat a meal and then not hate myself afterwards. Not reach for the laxatives. Just get on with my day like 90% of the population does. That’s what I want 

Breakfast 

Today I had breakfast. The first time in months and months and months. The reason: we’ll it’s included in the price of the hotel so I feel like I have to other wise it’s a waste. The result. I feel fat. I feel greedy. I feel disgusting. What did I have you may ask. Toast? A full English? Scrambled egg? A bacon sandwich? A crossiant? No. None of them. All I had was a bowl of granola. Nothing amazing. I didn’t over indulge. It was just a normal everyday breakfast. A breakfast that people have all the time at home. A breakfast that comes in a cereal box and is consider healthy. That’s all I had. And I now I feel awful! Ashamed of myself. Disgusted. This isnt normal. I shouldn’t feel like this. I hate this. I want this all to end. I’m sick of anorexia.  Sick of the thoughts that consume my brain every minute of everyday. I want to just eat a meal and then not hate myself afterwards. Not reach for the laxatives. Just get on with my day like 90% of the population does. That’s what I want 

Happy holidays 

So today I go away for a week. I should be happy. I should be buzzing. But I can’t help feeling like a kid again. Like I’ve lost all my independence. See I’m going away with my parents only so they can keep an eye on me. I wasn’t trusted to stay at home by myself. In case I tried to end my life again. Like I did last time they went away. I can understand why they’ve paid for me to go away and I’m

Beyond grateful that they have. I can’t thank them enough but I feel like all my independence has gone and that I’m being watched. 

I’m also worrying about food a lot. I’m worried I’ll over indulge as breakfast is included and I’m

Eating out at least twice. I won’t be having prawn salads or a bowl of skinny soup. The restaurant won’t do that. 

So yes I’m happy I’m going away but I’m also terrified to. Terrified of stepping into a swim suit. Terrified about food and also terrified it’s going to heighten my lonliness. 

I’ll keep you guys posted and up to date with how things go. Happy holidays. 

Problems

I have problems. Several of them. 
Problem 1. Alcohol. I can’t remember the the last night I didn’t have a drink. It’s not excessive. But still. I’m drinking till I get that fuzzy feeling. 
Problem 2. Other people. Some nasty stuff has been said about me. I’ve been called fat. And I’ve also been accused of using and dropping people. It’s not on not true and not fair. I like to think I’m a nice person a decent person. A genuine person. And people’s comments hurt. 
Problem 3: laxatives. I take one-two a day of the extra strong ones. Not the ordinary ones. I have to. 
Problem 4: body image. I’m

Fat. I’m convinced I am. I look massive. My belly sticks out. It’s ghastly. Ugly. Hideous. 
Problem 5: hunger. I’m always hungry. Always. It doesn’t stop. Food is always always always on my mind. Always. 
Problem 6: maybe I shouldn’t be alive 

Lunch and other stuff 

So I’ve decided today is a fat day. I’ve been hungry all day long. Like starving so I decided I’d have lunch. So I did. I had a pasta salad with some crisps. I then felt disgusting. Greedy. Ashamed. I should have just gone for a guit free cereal bar with less than 100 calaories. Instead I had a full on lunch. That’s not all. I then got hungry late afternoon so had w whole strip of chocolate. It was delicious. But I’m not allowed to say that. I’m not allowed to say I enjoyed food. I’m anorexic. Food is the enemy. I’m meant to be restricting but instead today I’m eating all I can find. I’m one fat cow. 

I’ve also just spent over an hour deciding what to wear tonight. I’m seeing this guy and I’m convinced I can’t wear an outfit I’ve already worn. I’m also feeling fat and disgusting in everything I wear and he likes slim girls so I need to look slim. I can’t be fat. I put shorts on but they made my legs obvious and wrapped around my fat wobbly thighs. So I took them off. I settled for a dress. Hiding my stomach as it’s baggy and covering my wobbly thighs. 

I watched tele this morning and the presenter was tiny. She’s smaller than me. I’m anorexic and people are smaller than me. That’s not right. I should be the slimmest but I’m not. I’m eating too much. I’m hungry too often. I’m failing. I really really am. 

How far I’ve come 

Today i saw my care coordinator and she pointed out a few things. She pointed out just how far I’ve come in a year. She pointed out I’m no longer in hospital. I’m maintaining an ok ish weight. I have a job I love (all be it part time) I’m moving on and not living in the past. I’m able to work, walk, and start living a life rather than living a life in hospital. She made me feel proud (well slightly proud) of myself. I realised I was being very hard on myself and not giving myself enough credit for everything I have done and just how far I have come. If I look back a year. I weighed 5st I wasnt able to walk up stairs, I got out of breath easily and was confined to a hospital 24 hours a day. I wasn’t allowed out. I was crying over each meal I was suicidal I was self harming. I was addicted to laxatives. And yes now I still take some laxatives, I still have the occasional suicidal thought and now and again I reach for the razor. But it’s no where near as bad as it was. I’m able to work. I can walk as far as ai want. I’m Able to shop for food and eat it without crying. I have a couple Of friends. I socialise. Occasionally. I have a life. It’s like I’m starting Over and I’m slowly slowly getting there. 

Hunger 

Hunger. I’m so damn hungry. All the bloody time. The one thing on my mind is food. Always. It’s constant. Never ending. It’s food food food. It’s either thinking about what it wants to eat. When I’m going to eat it. How I’m going to feel afterwards and when it’s next coming. It’s never letting up. It’s driving my mad. I’m failing at being anorexic. I’mEating too much. I’m

Failing at restricting. I’m just not able too. My mind caves. It gives in. I fed my body. Too much. I’m

Constantly counting calories. Making sure I’m under the recommend 2000 a Day. I count everything. A million times. Going over and over and over. This weather makes me feel fatter too. I wear skirts or dresses. And they show of my thighs and arms. I can’t hide behind a baggy over sized jumper. My body is on show and I’m Convinced people are judging me. I’m seeing my brother today. Who I haven’t seen in a couple of months. I’m convinced he’ll think I’m Fat. The doctor the other day said I look better. Fat I’m other words. I don’t know what I’m Doing. But each day I’m Piling the pounds on. I’m Convinced the eating disorders service will “fire” me tomorrow. We shall see. Oh and now I’m seeing  this new guy I have to stay slim. I have to be thin. Other wise he might ditch me but instead I’m getting fat and curvy. My hip bones dissapearing. 

Silence 

Sorry I’ve if been so quiet lately. I’ve been a bit all over the place. One day I’m Happy. The next I’m crying. I’ve met someone. And there great. We get on so well and always have a good time. He’s so understanding as well and is trying to help. So that part of my life is good but the rest. Well it’s shit. I’m worrying so much over my appearance and how I look. I’m comparing myself to everyone. I look fat. I’m convinced I am. I’m taking laxatives. Every time I eat I hate myself. I bloat like anything. It’s horrendous. The thoughts are so strong. I’m trying to hard to restrict but I just can’t keep it up. My body is craving food. Then there’s work. And the lack of it. I’mStressing over money. Life. How I look. I’m still lonely. Everything. I’m just a mess. My emotions are all over the bloody place. Like a rollercoaster I swear. And on top it off. Someone called me fat. Yep. An actually person called me fat. To be precise the called me “fat ass”. Brilliant