Fat

I’m so fat. I’m massive. Today I had to buy new jeans as I can’t fit my old ones. Today I had to look st and buy size 8 jeans. Up one size on what I was before. But what’s worse is that they only just fit. I’m nearly a size 10. And this has all happened in the space of weeks. I’ve ballooned. I’m ugly. Hideous. Fat. I can’t stand my body but all I do I eat. I have to filter. I’m not able to restrict. I just crave food. My thighs wobble. They touch. When I sit down my body takes up the whole seat now. My thighs spread. It’s ghastly. I detest myself. I need to punish myself I need to cut. I need to restrict. I want to die. Today the suicidal thoughts came back. Tonight I’m doing crap. I feel so damn ugly ashamed. Hideous. 

Fat

I’m so fat. I’m massive. Today I had to buy new jeans as I can’t fit my old ones. Today I had to look st and buy size 8 jeans. Up one size on what I was before. But what’s worse is that they only just fit. I’m nearly a size 10. And this has all happened in the space of weeks. I’ve ballooned. I’m ugly. Hideous. Fat. I can’t stand my body but all I do I eat. I have to filter. I’m not able to restrict. I just crave food. My thighs wobble. They touch. When I sit down my body takes up the whole seat now. My thighs spread. It’s ghastly. I detest myself. I need to punish myself I need to cut. I need to restrict. I want to die. Today the suicidal thoughts came back. Tonight I’m doing crap. I feel so damn ugly ashamed. Hideous. 

Snacking

I’m seriously considering quitting a job I love. Quitting my dream job. I’m so close to just handing in my notice. Why you ask? Well the job I have now is amazing. I’m a baker. Not just any baker. I’m head baker. BUT I’m surrounded by food all day long and I can’t resist nibbling. It’s the unhealthy stuff I eat. The chocolate chips. The fudge cubes. The icing. The buttercream. The cake crumbs. I eat it all. My brain gets one thing on its mind and it can’t resist it. It won’t let up till I’ve eaten it. Then I feel so bad I cut myself with anything I can find. Or take laxatives. So I’m considering quitting the job I love and going to work in an office where I’m not surrounded my food. By temptation. Today I did what my brother and support worker said. I had breakfast and lunch. They said this would stop the snacking. Big did it. No! I still snacked. I still over indulged. I look pregnant. I’m massive. I compared myself to a women who was 3 months pregnant and I look bigger than them. It’s ugly. I want to cry. I want to cut. I want to die. I miss when will I did was restrict and not eat. I miss it so much 

I can’t do this

I can’t do this. I can’t. I’ve just cut up a cake and there was a bit that was no good for customers. So I threw it in the bin. I then went in the bin and got it out and continues to eat it. Who does that! I have problems. I hate myself. I want to cut myself I want to die. I want to hurt myself I need to hurt myself  

😢

It’s like I’ve got worms. I can’t stop eating. I’ve just eaten a while. If bar of white chocolate and a flapjack. I’m hungry all the time and have no self control. I just binge. Something needs to change. I look disgusting

Fatty

Today is my last fat day. All I’ve done today is nibble at work. Chocolate. I’ve nibbled it. Buttercream. I’ve had it. Cake. I’ve picked at it. You name it. I’ve nibbled it. Like a right fatty. But today is the last day. Tomorrow I’m on it. Tomorrow I’ll restrict. Tomorrow there will be no nibbling. Tomorrow it all ends. I need to loose this weight I’ve put on. I look pregnant. I feel it too. It’s ghastly. I look so damn ugly. So unattractive. How am I ever meant to find a man when I look like this. It’s awful. It’s got so bad. But it will stop. It will. Today’s my last fat day. So I’ll enjoy it. I’ll eat what I want to eat but tomorrow it all changes. Tomorrow I restrict 

Food glorious food

I just can’t stop eating. I’mHungry all the time. I constantly think about food. About what I’ve eaten about what I’m going to eat next about when I’m going to have it. It’s just food food and more food. My Brain doesn’t get a rest from it. Nor does my stomach. It’s never full it’s always empty. Even after a full dinner it still wants more. And as soon as I’ve got something in my head I have to go and get it. I have to satisfy my brain and give it and my stomach what it want.ls. Which is food. My mouth waters and just thinking about food. And it doesn’t stop till it gets it. I’m

Gaining weight by the second. I’m not just having fat moments. I’m having fat days. Fat weeks. A fat life. Something needs to change. My body had never been this hungry before. Ever. It’s the total opposite of anorexia. Anorexia you restrict all the time. This. Well this is eating all the time 

Lonely

I’m so alone. I have no one to talk to and no one who cares. I’m so desperate for company desperate for someone to talk to that I’m already considering joining online dating again. I sit here in costa and it’s full of couple. Full of friends. Full of families. I sit in the corner. Alone and depressed.  My mood was ok earlier but it’s slipping by the minute. I’m so alone it hurts. I’m desperate to have someone to talk to. I look at my phone at there’s nothing. Facebook is full of happy couples getting married. Having babies. Going on holiday. Loads of happy things. And all I can do is sit and look. I’m miles away from all those things. If I were to die tomorrow no one would notice. No one would care 

Drink

Drink. Alcoholic drink. It’s my friend. Yes it makes me gain weight. Yes it bloats me. But it makes me feel good. I’ve drunk for the third day/night in a row. Two of them on my own. I haven’t drunk till I’m drunk but I drink till it makes me feel good. I’ve had this problem before but managed to stop it. But now I feel myself falling back into the habit. One drink turns to two which turns to four. I don’t even drink it because I enjoy it. I’m going off the taste. I just drink it because I know it will make me feel better. 
I just ate a cake too 😦 bloody can’t stop eating! 

Lonely

I’m so fed up. So alone. So desperate that I end up talking to toxic people. People who shout at me. Moan at me. Make me feel worse than I already feel. I just feel so alone. Like if I did end it all no one would notice. My funeral would be empty. No one would miss me. I’m due to start my new job tomorrow joe already thinking of phoning in sick and cancelling it all. I just don’t think I’m anywhere near ready for a full time job. The worst decision I made was leaving my two day a week job. That was just enough to get me by. But now I’m screwed. Working 5 days a week. I have no time to myself. No time to calm aimee down. I don’t know. Maybe it’s a good thing. After all I struggle when I’m alone. I don’t know. I just don’t feel ready. I don’t know what to do with my life. I just wish it was over that’s all. I just wish I didn’t exist. I long for a cuddle. For someone to hold me. To be able to talk to someone. To forget all my worries. All my problems. I’m so desperate for company. For an ear to listen. That I’ll talk to anyone. Even if they make me feel worse.