Drained

Today has been one hell of a rollercoaster of a day! 

I’ve had therapy, a meeting with my consultant, a dessert which is my fear food and I got to go on my first ward trip. 

So therapy and meeting ended in tears. A lot of talking. A lot of talking about family and relationships and how I feel worthless, a wasted of space, a failure, how I feel like that piece of chewing gum at the bottoms of the bin which never gets picked up and just gets covered up with a bin bag. Forgotten about. How I have no motivation to get better but all I am doing is eating as I don’t want to get sectioned or have the fortisip. I’m getting fatter by the day bigger by the second. I hate this. I hate how I feel. I hate that effectively my biggest problem is lonliness and being unloved which has put me here but some people go through so much worse and there fine. They lose children they get ill but they manage to stay positive and eat. And I end up here. I hate that. It makes me feel so week and even more of a failure. I also feel I’m the way. In the way of everyone. In the way of my brother and sister in law, in the way of staff and patients here, in tje way and a burden to everyone. 

My mum and dad are finally visiting me after nearly 6 weeks and I’m dreading it. Anxious already. As much as I want them to show me some love and make me feel important I’m so scared. So anxious about it. Worried it will be awkward and uncomfortable. 

On top of all this I’ve had a relathionship breakdown, I can’t turn to my mum and dad I faced a massive fear food today and feel disgusted with myself and I feel I’m interfering with my brother and sisters life too much. 

The positive though today was I got my first ward trip. I went out for 2 hours. And walked! I actually walked!! It felt good. 

But know I need to do my 40 sit ups and squats and crunches to burn of this food I’ve eaten. To flatten my stomach. I hate this. I have the urge to hurt myself but can’t. They’ve taken everything away. And I’m tired. Tired beyond belief. 

To the bone 

So there’s been a lot of bad press about the Netflix movie ‘to the bone’ and I can’t blame it!

I don’t see how this will help. If anything I think it will make the situation worse. I think people will think it’s ‘cool’ and try to catch on to it. Or those who are suffering from this terrible illness will judged more and looked at more by people in school or people in the streets. They’ll be whispers of ‘she’s like that girl in television’ we don’t need that! This film isn’t raising awareness. It’s glorifying it. And the danger lily Colin’s was in to film that and that be that underweight. Was it really worth it!

If they want to raise awareness do a documentary a factual programme with people who have recovered and people who are suffering. With real doctors and professional people. Not make some American drama on it. 

Life inside 

It’s my third today here and all I’m doing is eating and sleeping. This place is much stricter than my last one. With the threat of sectioning hanging over you every day and failure to complete any meal resulting in a fortijuice of the equivalent of what is left and failure to drink that few times results in an NG tube. 

This place feels more hospitalised it is like a hospital ward Judy with carpet and all the rooms are private. I’m talking to a few of the patients but still feel like I don’t for in at all. I feel like there judging me loads and they all get on apart from me. The staff are ok but there not providing all the mental support I need now. It’s more feed us up and get us eating than helping us with our minds.

I’ve managed to stick to my meal plans and although I’m on starter menu it’s already increasing and every meal is a massive challenge. I feel like all I’m doing is eating and nothing else. So all the food I’m eating is just sitting on me. I worried my clothes won’t fit soon I worry they’ll be too tight soon so I’m not even bothering to wear them I’m wearing what I know is baggy. 

The consultant told me yesterday I’m on the borderline between critical and life threatening for my bmi. But tjat still hasn’t knocked in I’m Ill. If I’m honest I felt s pang that o was borderline and not fully in life threatening. I don’t know when I’ll ever realise I’m ill like everyone keeps telling me. 

I’m doing the meal plan though but just hating myself. I feel fat. Horrendous. Ugly. Tired. Bloated. I haven’t been to the toilet and i do squats in my room, I’m not really talking to people, my memory is awful and can’t get motivated to do anything. But I’m eating. So I guess that’s something. 

Admission take 2 

So today I was admitted as an inpatient. For the second time. 

I don’t know how I feel. I can’t really process it. I just thought I’d update you guys. I’m here and in a state of unpacked. 

All my dresses with Belts have gone, phone chargers, straighteners, tights. All taken away. I got ushered into snack right away. I haven’t even been shown around the building and I’ve never even seen it before so it’s beyond new!

I’m scared lost and nervous. 

Update 

So just a little update guys:

They have a New bed for me. On Wednesday I’m off to my new hospital. It’s apparently more hospital like and more firmer. My support worker thinks this is what I need. And if I’m Honest me too. At the moment I’m Feeling ok about it. My support worker made it clear if I don’t go I’ll have to have the mental health assessment and will be sectioned. I walked in yesterday and she said I’ve found a you a bed. She then weighed me and I asked if I still had to go. Yes. I then asked again. Yes. And then said if I eat so I have to. Yes. Yes I have to go. 

I’m hoping this place will help. I know I need firmer, somewhere I can’t sneak laxatives in and hide them so I can take them daily, somewhere that makes me go to the table and doesn’t give up just like tjat. I know I do. But I still don’t think I’m ill. I’m Fine to walk and skip meals. I feel fine. It’s hard. I think I’m well I don’t think I’m Ill but I know my eating won’t change without help and I recognise in some respects I need help. 

So I’ve 4 days to go. Four days till I’m re-admitted. Last time I was admitted I didn’t eat before I went in. I’ve been told to not that again as i will knock myself back but it’s so hard. In my head I’m fine and fat so I need to starve myself and get myself as small as possible before I go in. But I will try to eat. I will try. 
Hope your all ok and happy weekend guys x

Thank you 

I just wanted to say a little thank you to all of you who have commented lately and given me advice and words of wisdom. 

And obviously to my loved ones who are there for me and looking out for me. 

I am sorry I am causing you worry I am sorry I am causing you concern and stress. I don’t like it. I don’t want to be a burden. So I’m trying. I will try for all of you to dig deep and do this. I am fine. I feel fine. I will be fine. I’m determined not to cause any of you any more worry than I already have 

Today I got asked if I could cover a few shifts at my old work. Which I loved. And I had to say no. I wanted to say yes. I really wanted to. But couldn’t. I can’t. I want to go out without people staring at me. I want a normal life. It just all feels so far away right now. I’m hoping tomorrow I’ll have more answers and hopefully get out of this limbo like state I am In right now. I’m disappointed in the system if I’m honest and it’s got me questioning if I’m even ill. And if the professionals do actually care. But I didn’t sleep a wink last night, struggled to breath through stress and worry. So I guess it’s just my head right now. 90% of this battle is my head and overcoming what my head is saying. Let’s see what tomorrow brings. 

My poor mind 

I’ve zero idea what is about to happen. What will happen. What to even think. How to process what I’ve done and how to go about working out what is next. 

Yep. I did it. I discharged myself. I’ve no idea how long it will be until another bed comes up. If I will even get one. (Why would they give me another bed if I discharge myself from one unit) do I even need it? Can I do this myself? Am I kidding myself. I thought about leaving for so long and now I’ve left I’m scared. I’m confused. But I know I had to leave. I was sick to death of going in circles and being in limbo. I think they thought I was just playing games. That I was just threatening them. I asked to leave so many times and they always managed to make me stay say “hang on in” “wait one more night” “stay another day” “wait and see” “it will get better” Well the fact is it didn’t get better and I knew/know I’m not going to get better there, so instead of waiting, lingering and not being taken seriously, I took it in my own hands and left. 

I didn’t sleep a wink. So many worries and stress. Money. Money being the biggest, what’s next, where’s next, when will it be. What will people think of me? Am I stupid? I know I had to leave but I think people will think I was an idiot. I did the wrong thing. I need to get my stuff it’s all still there. I need to work out my meal plan I need to speak to my support worker. I feel like they gave up on me in there but now I’ve left will I be given up on more? 

Questions

Questions

Questions

The unknown is the worst 

Confused 

I’m so confused. I seem to be getting worse in here. Everyday taking a step backwards. Not forwards. Tomorrow my consultant comes in. I’ve asked for a bed somewhere else but haven’t heard back yet so I’m Gonna ask to go home until a bed comes up somewhere else. As I swear I was doing better at home before I came in here. How can I have got worse. Who’s health gets worse when they get admitted to hospital. It should be the other way round 

I don’t know what’s happened this week but each day just gets worse. A step back each day. And the further I step back the harder it is to step forward. 


I got sent a picture earlier. It’s not a bad thing. I asked for one. Something to aim for. Something to get me back on track. But I just can’t believe the difference 9 months has made. I’m shocked. But it still hasn’t really made me feel ill still hasn’t hit it home yet 

I hate myself 

I hate myself because:

  • I’m a failure 
  • I ended up in hospital
  • I let this illness win
  • I was/am weak
  • I can’t eat and when I do I hate myself too
  • I ugly
  • I’m lost 
  • I’m alone
  • I’m stuck
  • I did this to me
  • I’m destroying over people’s lives
  • I’ve destroyed mine
  • I don’t have the fight I need 
  • I’m losing 
  • I failed
  • I let people down 
  • I wasting space 
  • I’m wasting food
  • I’m making people angry
  • I’m angry 

I hate everything about me. If I eat I hate myself. But then if I don’t eat I hate myself as that’s delaying my recovery. I see people on Facebook, I look at my family, my partner, there all going out. Doing normal things and I’m stuck here Because I’m failing at doing an essential thing in life. I hate how my brain is always churning how I can’t make a decision how I’m in constant turmoil, how I don’t know the right thing to do. Everything. I hate myself. Change me and I’d be ok. I’m the problem. 

I’m a fraud 

Food makes me feel so guilty. 

Ok so today If I go back through my meal plan I know I’ve failed 4 out 5 meals so far. 2 not even started and 2 not completed and 1, being supper competed. So realistically I know I haven’t eaten much. But I feel so guilty. I feel that because I’ve managed supper (half portion) so one chicken wrap I feel I shouldn’t be here. I feel I’m fine. I feel I’m a fraud. Even though I’ve lost weight I haven’t completed the meal plan for over a week now and I struggle to finish any meal. But when I do I feel so guilty. Like I’m taking some one else’s place. Like I shouldn’t be here. I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve the funding I’m not Ill enough I’m not ill at all. I shouldn’t be here. I don’t need to be In hospital. This is how I feel every time I eat a meal. I am fine. I can do this by myself. Yes the nurses are doing my obs four times a day but this still doesn’t tell me Ill. If I smile or laugh or try to include myself I feel guilty too. 

When will I feel ill? Should I? Do I need to feel ill to get better? But if I don’t think I’m ill then I don’t need to get better? 

Cut my mind out and I’ll be fine. I’m going crazy.