What a week 

What a week it’s been. An overnight stay in hospital and sacked from my job. I’m still in shock that in 2018, a world of mental health, that I got sacked because I have anorexia. How awful is that? How wrong is that? It’s been 5 days since my overdose and I still have moments when I wish it had worked. When I wish I hadn’t woken up. That id taken enough tablets for it all to end.

I feel my life is a mess. I’m back in the job hunt. Knowing for well that I won’t find another job like the one I had. I’ll never find one that I’ll love like I loved this one. I have no money. No income. Nothing. I’m 28 and relying on my parents. I just feel it’s all a mess. A huge mess. I feel lost. Confused. Hurt. And upset. 

 

Death 

I just got sacked from my job for being honest about why I wasn’t in yesterday. I told her I had anorexia and depression and was in hospital because I overdosed. She then sacked me. She sacked me. Fired me. Got rid of me. 
I wish more than anything in this world that yesterday had works. I wish I was dead I really really do. 

Hospital 

So last night. Well yesterday afternoon I was admitted to hospital. I’d taken yet another overdose. I just want this to end but it won’t!! Yesterday’s one was very impulsive and I regret it now but at the same time I can’t thinking I wish it had worked. I’m worried that my mum and Dad will now “babysit” me and I won’t be able to do anything let alone be on my own. My life is a mess. Ana. Depression and nearly bulimia I would wish these illnesses on anyone 

Fat 

I’m fat. I’m fat. I’m fat. I’m ugly. I’m heavy I’m fat. I eat in secret. I cook food for people and eat before it’s cooked. I pick at it before I put it in the oven I pick at t whilst it’s cooking then pick at it when it’s cooked. I binge. I binge loads. I keep binging all the time. I’m ugly. I’m lost. I’m alone. I feel horrendous. I can’t make a day without eating. I’m crap at restricting. I just eat. And it’s all the unhealthy stuff. The sugar. The fat. Everything. I can’t stop. I can’t make myself sick. I can’t get rid of it. I just eat and eat and eat. I want to die. I want this to be over. I want to crash my car. Close my eyes and it all be over. I want it to end 

Anas turning into bulimia well kind of 

I’m really struggling. Like really really struggling. Ana hasn’t been this bad for ages. She makes me cry daily. She makes me hate myself. She’s now developed another side of her. She now makes me binge. But what’s worse is she makes me binge but won’t let me throw up. So instead I take laxatives. I know deep down laxatives don’t make you loose weight but somehow it comforts me to take them after I’ve binged. And there not just normal laxatives. There the extra strong ones. I’m in a right mess. I got a new job. Still as a baker. But I’m on my own all day. Which I don’t actually mind. But ana takes this chance and says “it’s ok to eat, no one is watching” so I eat and eat and eat. I try the cake I’ve baked. I try the buttercream ice makes. I try the crumbs that fall I try the ingredients I try it all . In my other job I’m always surrounded by people so don’t eat as I don’t want to eat in front of them. I’m meant to have anorexia remember. And anorexics don’t eat. I’m getting so fat. And I’m not just saying that. It’s horrendous. My stomach balloons. But right now ana is loving food and making me feel so damn shit about it! I wish I could make myself sick. I’ll try and try but it doesn’t happen. I wish I could I really do. It’s affecting my new relationship. My work. My mood. Me. It’s affecting my life so much. I just wish it was all over. I wish I didn’t have anorexia. I wish ana would leave me alone. Sometimes I still wish I was dead. I think that’s the only way ana will disappear for good. I still have suicidal thoughts and days like today there even stronger. Thinking of ways to do it. I don’t know. I’m just really really struggling and can’t stop crying and hating myself. When will this lol end. When!!!!!

My life 

I’m so fat. I just ate a whole slice of cake and then crumbs from another cake. I’m so fat. I’m massive. I’m like a elephant. I’m humungous. Sunday I went all day without eating. Yesterday I only had a salad. But today I’ve binged. I feel disgusting. I feel horrendous. I want to slice my stomach. I’m at the hospital waiting for a bone scan. I know there’s nothing wrong with my bones. I’m too fat to have anything wrong with them. There checking for early signs of osteoporosis but I know I’m a failed anorexic so I won’t have it. Part of me wants it as it means I wAs a successful Anorexic. How messed up is that. I’m in a bit of a state to be honest and I know if I was on my own I’d do something drastic. I want to slice my stomach. I want to reach for the razor. Take the tablets. End this all. I’m meant to be starting a new relationship but already ana and depression are getting in the way. My job is stressing me out too. I’ve just accepted full time but this means I won’t be able to have any more community support as I’ll never have time to see them and I don’t know if I’m even ready for full time. I feel like a failure. I feel like my life is a mess. All the positivity has gone and I’m left feeling like this. Like shit 

  

Up and down 

So I have moments when I really think I’m getting there. When I really think I’m making progress. When I start to think that ana is behind me. These are fleeting thoughts. As soon as I think them something happens and I unthink them. I’ll be walking down the street thibking I’m actually ok with my weight. Then I’ll laugh at how ridiculous that is and ana comes screaming back. Today I stripped to my underwear and stood in front of the mirror. Scrutinising myself. Looking at my stomach. At the bulge. But for all of two minutes I was actually ok with it and even said out loud “it’s not too bad” but as soon as I said it ana was there telling me I’m fat. I’ve just frantically done 100 sit ups and squats and am going to do another set this evening. I’m going to take laxatives and I’m going to restrict tomorrow. This makes me realise I’m no where near recovered. I’m sick of this all I’m sick to death of it. Last night I went out and it took me forever to get dressed. In several outfits I looked like a fat umpa lumpa. I hate how I look. My thighs. My stomach. I will loose them. I will be thin. I will 

Up and down 

So I have moments when I really think I’m getting there. When I really think I’m making progress. When I start to think that ana is behind me. These are fleeting thoughts. As soon as I think them something happens and I unthink them. I’ll be walking down the street thibking I’m actually ok with my weight. Then I’ll laugh at how ridiculous that is and ana comes screaming back. Today I stripped to my underwear and stood in front of the mirror. Scrutinising myself. Looking at my stomach. At the bulge. But for all of two minutes I was actually ok with it and even said out loud “it’s not too bad” but as soon as I said it ana was there telling me I’m fat. I’ve just frantically done 100 sit ups and squats and am going to do another set this evening. I’m going to take laxatives and I’m going to restrict tomorrow. This makes me realise I’m no where near recovered. I’m sick of this all I’m sick to death of it. Last night I went out and it took me forever to get dressed. In several outfits I looked like a fat umpa lumpa. I hate how I look. My thighs. My stomach. I will loose them. I will be thin. I will 

Kill me

Someone just kill me. Put me out of this misery. Life really isn’t worth living. I’m being made to feel shit my Someone. I’m being made out to be the one at fault. I’m being made out to be a bitch. On top of that I’m crap at restricting I’m so damn hungry all I do is eat. I’m putting weight on. I’m getting fat.  Then there’s the lonliness. Everyone cancels on me and I’m so so so alone. I have no one. Today i went for an interview got home and no one asked how it went. I hate lonliness. It’s horrible. So I’m alone fat ugly  and just wasting life. Kill me now.