Hello

So I haven’t blogged in a while. I feel I’ve neglected you all but here’s an update…

Anorexia wise things are going ok. I still face obstacles and body image is just horrendous these days. I go days without washing as I can’t bear myself naked and can’t remember the last time I looked in mirror. But I can deal with that. Just about. I think I may be getting discharged from my eating disorder care coordinator too.

Depression wise I’m bumbling along. For health reason my meds that I’ve been on for two years have been stopped and I’m now on different medication. So it’s been quite hard. I’ve had really bad days. But I have to say overall I am surprising myself. I’m getting up, getting dressed and going to work or baking cakes. Whatever it is to keep me busy. Yes work. I have a job. It’s part time but I also just got offered a new full time one 🙂

And last but not least. Family wise. Well it’s a bit half and half. Me and parents we are great. We’re talking more. And I’m trying to spend a bit more time with them. But brother wise it’s not so great. We’ve had a tough month or so of arguing and not talking. And I thought we had cleared it all. I thought we were getting back to normal. But we’re not. I’m still being ignored. And I’m still feeling like I don’t exist. I’m making the effort but it’s not made back. It’s so hard. We used to be so close but now there just feels like this gap has come between us that maybe isn’t bridgeable. I hope it is. And I hoped the news we shared last week would help. But it hasn’t. It seems to have driven the wedge in further.

So all in all. I’m ok. I spend most of days with my soulmate planning for the future. Yes we’ve had our moments this past month but we’ve been under a lot of stress and tiredness too. So I don’t hold it against us. We move on. We make sure we spend days together not just an hour. We’re making time for us. Anorexia is slowing becoming less and less and my depression is still there, big time, but I’m managing to stay a float most days.

Update

I haven’t blogged for a while. I’ve been quite quiet. But I just thought I’d give a little update. Truth be told I’m not doing too well. I spend my days in bed. All day everyday. I have no motivation to get up and do things. I haven’t baked for ages and those who know me know I LOVE baking. I haven’t washed for 5 days. I just don’t really care. When I really should. I don’t have a job. Still. All I keep getting is rejection emails. I’ve only had one interview. I’m letting everyone down. We’re meant to be moving out but can’t till I get a job. I’m trying. But no one seems to want me. Can’t blame them really. My brother still isn’t talking to me. Last time we spoke was my birthday 6th jan and last time I saw him was ages ago. I didn’t even see him for Christmas. I’ve messaged him several times but he’s just ignoring it. We used to be so close when I was ill but now it feels like he doesn’t care. And this is all over The fact I’m back with my ex who he doesn’t approve off because he said something in the heat of the moment when I was in ICU. he didn’t mean it. He just said it in frustration but now they (my brother and sis in law) don’t talk to me and all my sis in law does is argue with me. It’s petty. It’s immature. I’m a grown woman. I can make my own decisions. And I love my partner. He’s my soulmate. So I will be with him. They just need to accept that. But they won’t. I’m not being harsh. Out of order. Unfair or anything. I/we haven’t done anything wrong.

So all in all I’m not doing great but I’m trying. I’m trying to get up. To do stuff. To keep busy. But it’s hard. So hard.

Today I ate

So today I ate with my coffee. I was walking there and fancied something to eat. I was hungry. So what did I do? I decided to eat. Yes me. Yes the girl with anorexia. I ate. I bought food and ate it. Ok it wasn’t a full on lunch. But it was fear food. It was food that I knew contained fat. That I knew contained more than 100 calories. That I knew was classed as unhealthy. But did I enjoy it? Yes it did. Is it going to make me fat? No it’s not. Would I do it again? Yes I would. Look I’m not happy with my body. I want to lose my belly. I bloat so easily. I hate it. But maybe that just comes down to exercise and toning not starving myself. Today I also tried jeans on. Which is a massive deal as I haven’t worn jeans in months. I can’t remember the last time I worse jeans. But today I got them out my wardrobe and tried them on. I was terrified they wouldn’t fit. But you know what? They still fitted. And had some room left. I was shocked. I was happy. I’m

Starting to come to terms with how I look and if I can maintain how I am now. Not put any more weight on. Maybe even lose just a little I think I’ll be ok. I’ve come to realise I’m never going to love my body. I’m always want to going to be slimmer but is it worth Starving myself for? No it’s not. Life’s too short. If I’m

Hungry I’ll eat. Well that’s my outlook today. This might all

Change when I next look in the mirror. I’ll hate what I see I’ll hate what I’ve eaten. But for now today was a massive step forward. So let’s remember that 

The diet

The diet starts. Tomorrow. Today I get home from holiday. A holiday where I’ve eaten so much and drunk even more. A holiday were I’ve put so much weight on. A holiday where I’ve gained more than one roll. A holiday where I’ve over indulged. A holiday which had made me look fatter than I’ve ever looked before. A holiday which has now made me detest myself. I’m hideous. Grotesque. I feel ashamed. So very ashamed. I feel guilty. I feel like a fraud. I’m meant to have anorexia instead all this week all I’ve done is eat and drink. And think about food. Someone with anorexia doesn’t eat as much as I’ve eaten. They don’t indulge like I have. I’m a big gay ugly fraud. So….the diet. Well that starts tomorrow. Today when I get home I’m chucking out all the tempting treats I have. The chocolate. That’s going. The sweets. There going too. The healthy low calorie cereal bars. Well there going too. Everything is going. I’m throwing it all away. My theory is. If I don’t have or then I can’t eat it. I will loose the weight I’ve put on. And more. I will loose and loose. I will loose till my stomach disappears. I will. I will. I will. I’m determined. I have to do this. I will only have one meal a day and no snacks in between. I will live if Pepsi max and coffee. That will tide me over. That will get me through. I will diet like never before. I will loose this weight. I have to. I need to be slim. The guy I’m seeing said so. He only likes slim girls. 
Proof I’m fat 

Conflict

Im in constant conflict. With everything. I feel my mind is being pulled in all directions. Everything having two sides. Everything being a battle. My discharge date is fast approaching and I should be excited. Part of me wants to leave part of me is terrified. I saw a picture of myself at my skiniest. Part of me can see I’m ill but part of me (the bigger part) wants to look like that again. Part of me knows I need to eat but part of me refuses to eat. Part of me wants to live but part of me wants to die. Part of me wants to fight this but part of me me wants to give up. Everything is conflict. I feel like the hospital had given up on me. I feel like I’m a lost cause. They don’t care. I’ve owned up and admitted I’m going to lose weight as soon as I leave. But they don’t care. Simply telling me to challenge the thought and eat. It’s not that easy. If If was I’d be better. Of it was I’d be recovered. But the reality is that Anorexia has The highest mortality rate of any psychological disorder. And statistics for recovery are shocking. They indicate that only 30%-40% of anorexics ever fully recover, and 20–30% may partially recover. The rest not recovering and having chronic anorexia for life. I can’t see myself recovering right now. I don’t see how it’s possible. I don’t get when these thoughts will go away. I don’t know when I’ll stop wishing to be thin. I don’t know when I’ll find it ok to eat. I don’t know when I’ll stop taking laxative. I don’t know when I’ll want to live. Ana has ruined me and she still ruins me. She’s taken over and destroyed my life. Living by numbers controlled by food. It’s not a life I’d wish on anyone. The desire to be thin is so strong. I long to see my bones. I long to see my ribs. I long for people to look at me and stare at me because I’m too thin. To Notice me. That’s what I want. To be noticed. To be thin. To go back to how I was in may. I’ve never been happy but I preferred my body when it was bones. I feel so fat now. Too fat to be in hospital. I feel that people think I’m fine but reality is since being In hospital I’ve just got worse. Mentally I’m f****d. Mentally Ana has won. I have no desire to eat. No desire to beat it. She still Controls me. Every minute. And shes getting stronger, louder, ironically she’s getting bigger. She’s taking over me again. To the point I can’t even order a skinny latte. I’m skipping meals. I’m being hungry all day. It’s like she craves it. I get a high off being hungry. I have so many worries. So many problems. But I’m sick of being a burden so for now I’m “ok” that’s all I’m going to say. I’m ok. People need to get on with there lives without worrying about me. I’m alone but I’ve got Ana for company she’s always with me. She won’t leave me. She’s comfort. It’s like it some weird way she’s my friend. She gets me. She tells me what to do. She comforts me. She gives me a purpose. She’s always there. She’s a friend yet an enemy. She’s confusing me. But for now. She’s all I have. And she knows it. 

What a day

So what a day today has been. Today I planned to skip breakfast and lunch and have a light meal for dinner. But instead I did myself breakfast, and I ate lunch. Today has been a good day. A great day in fact. Today I got a job offer. Which I’m accepting and today I got a discharge date. Yep. A discharge date. I’m getting discharged. 

So let’s start from the beginning. Breakfast. I planned to skip it. But I woke up this morning and thought to myself. I can skip it. And loose weight and stay in hospital or I can eat it and gradually start to get better and aim to get discharged. So I ate it. 

Then I had the job interview which went really well and I got offered the job. He has loads planned for me from qualifications to being the person who opens up every day. 

Then I had a date. Yep. A date. With a real life gentlemen and it went great. He’s lovely and I didn’t stop smiling for the whole time. I already can’t wait to see him again. 

Next step. Lunch. I planned my trip back to hospital around lunch time time so I could easily skip lunch. And dessert. Instead I got back to the hospital and choose to have lunch. Yep. I chose it. I chose to have it. I chose to have it to take a step closer to discharge. I want to get better. I don’t want to remain in hospital for months on end. I want to get better I want to take this new job. I want to date. I want to live. I want to be normal. I could have easily missed it and skipped lunch but I didn’t. I didn’t take the easy option. I took the hard one. It’s not been easy at all today. I’ve felt incredibly guilty after ever meal I’ve had. It’s been a struggle. But for the first time in a long time I’ve felt I want recovery. I felt I can do this. I felt I can get discharged. Everyday will still be a struggle. Everyday I’ll still battle with myself. Food will never be my friend food will always be my enemy. I won’t be able to eat chocolate or pizza I won’t be able to go for three course meals. I’ll feel fat everyday. Ill see fat. I’ll feel guilty after every meal I’ll feel ashamed but I can do this. I can take a step towards recovery every day. I can and I will. Today has been a tough day. It’s been a challenge. It’s been hard but I’ve got through it and come out the other end. For the first time in forever I feel I can do this 

Restricting

So today I was out of the hospital as I had a trail shift at a bakery, (By the way The trail went amazing and I loved it) but along comes anorexia gleamingly happy that I’m away from the hospital as this means one thing. No food. Time to restrict. So that’s what I did. 

With ana in my ear all of yesterday and today it saw today not as an opirtunity to show of my baking skills but as an opportunity to restrict. As I was up at the crack of dawn it was easy to miss breakfast. Then followed snack. Another easy miss. Then lunch. Another very easy miss. So I sit here at 3 o’clock in the afternoon having eaten nothing since 9pm last night (and that was a salad) and instead of being annoyed at myself I’m stupidly happy. I’m buzzing with the fact I haven’t eaten all day. And it was so easy to do it. As soon as I’m out of the four walls of the hospital my mind is just restrict, restrict, restrict. It was planning This day all week. Planning on how easy it would be to skip it all. Smiling and laughing at me the whole time. Tightening its grip on me, clapping its hands that it’s till got me on a leash. Cackiling at me laughing at me. So pleased that I’m still under its control. 

As soon as I leave the hospital my mind just instantly plans what it can restrict and when, it doesn’t even think about food. I don’t even get hungry. I just don’t need food. I don’t need to eat. I got asked several time by people today if I wanted anything for breakfast. If I wanted a tea. A coffee. I declined them all. So easy as they no nothing about me Illness. Thy sent me home with the cakes I baked today, not knowing that I won’t eat any of them and they’ll be passed on to staff. I fooled them. Like I fool everyone. Everyone thinks that the aimee on transition is doing so well. What they don’t know behind the smile is she’s not. She’s still firmly under anorexias grip, restricting at every available opportunity cutting corners here there and everywhere. The only reason I eat in hospital is so I can leave and restrict. It’s not necessarily that I want to it’s that I have to. It gives me a sense of achievement it gives me a purpose. I’m good at it. It’s in me now. And I’ve no idea how it leaves. I’ve no idea how I don’t restrict. I’ve no idea when I’ll be rid of this. 

Today’s trail went amazingly and already my mind is planning if I got the job how easy it would be to skip breakfast snack lunch and snack every single day. I wouldn’t have to eat. My cupboards would be empty. I wouldn’t be living at home so wouldn’t have people on my back. I’d be by myself and back in my ways of not eating. I’m happy with that. That’s my life. But how can I hold a job down if I can’t even eat. It may sound like I want this. I don’t want this. It’s just stuck in me. I need to be thin. I need to see my bones. I want people to look at me and stare at me beacaue I’m so thin. But right now I’m just invisible. I blend in to the crowd more invisible than every before. People just blanking me. Walking past me. Thinking I’m fine. When in act I’m screaming out for help. when will the awful illness leave me. When will I be ok. When will I want to cook myself dinner. When will I choose to eat. When? When will this end? 

Me

I’ve never felt like more if a burden than I do now. I feel I’m always in the way. I feel like I’m always the problem. I feel like I always chose problems. 
I found out this week that my brother phoned my mum To say they need to visit me more as he can’t visit as much which makes me feel awful. I don’t want people to be told they need to visit. I don’t want people to feel guilty that they can’t visit. Thai senarrio is all my fault though. If I had just if so e everything right none of this would have happened. 

Today my mum had a car accident. And hat was my fault as I needed to stop if to call the hospital to order my menu. If I wasn’t in hospital they wouldn’t of have to driven and hour and half to get me yesterday and they wouldn’t have had the accident today 
This morning I woke up and saw my reflection in the mirror. Normally when I see this i see it at the end of the day and put the big bulging belly down to all the food I’ve eaten that day and bloating. But this morning before I’d eaten anything it was already bulging. So I got my straighteners and burned myself. I haven’t done that In ages but today I did. I needed to feel the pain. I need to punish myself for having a bulging belly. It worked. It hurt. It stung. It punished me. 

What really happened

So I went home this weekend. To my parents and staff at the hospital everything went fine but in reality it didn’t. 
I realised I couldn’t move back home. There too many triggers. To many memories that are painful. Too easy to fall back into the same routine. Too easy to restrict. I skipped a total of 4 1/2 snacks one main dessert one light dessert and one lunch. And swapped main meals to light meals. I skipped nearly a total of 2000 kcal this weekend (Friday to Sunday) and that’s with waking a fair amount too. This should make me realise I’m not better but this makes me happy. I’m happy I managed to skip meals. I also took laxatives yesterday.  It’s all too easy being back there. Right now though I’m pleased I did all of that. And how wrong is that. It’s not going to get me any nearer to leaving here. It’s just going to prolong it. But I guess when your in my situation and you have no life to go back to it doesn’t matter. My mentality (while sitting on the train going back to hospital) is to tell them if all went well and continue to eat my way out of here leave and diet. I’ve never liked my body and I’ve never been fully happy but before I came I’m here I could tolerate my body more and put up with how it looked whereas now I’m

Still unhappy and hate my body even more. So what’s the point in all of this. 

It’s my life. You only live once so why can’t I live it the way I want.

I’m very depressed today. Im

Angry at the hospital over my cpa on Friday. I’m angry I have to go back. Im lonely. (Yes I have family) but I feel so alone so isolated. So lost. 

I know I shouldn’t feel happy that I’ve skipped so much of my meal plan but the fact is I do. I can’t help that. I can’t help I still get a buzz when I successfully skip something. I can’t help it. It makes me feel worthy. It makes me feel like I’ve achieved something. It makes me feel good. And yes that may be wrong and I shouldn’t feel that way but I can’t help that I do. I can’t help what Anna is telling me. I know I’ve done enough not to loose weight so staff won’t know. I know I’ve done enough to fake a successful trip home as keep staff thinking I’m ok. I know they won’t realise. Anna makes me a great lier and pretender. It’s like a smile. Can hide a thousand feelings. Ana can hide a million things too and can make you get away with what you want when you want. You just have to be clever.

I’m well and truly under anas thumb the moment I leave that hospital even if for a day. She’s so strong. I think it’s because she lies dormant waiting for the opportunity then hits me like a brick when she can. And she does. I’m not ready to give up ana. I wish I was I wish I could but the truth is I can’t. She makes me feel good about myself. She makes me feel I have a purpose. She gives me a reason to be alive. She gives me meaning. I know it’s wrong. I know that’s so wrong. And I know people will read this and think how I can be that wrong in the head to feel that wY and not understand but it’s the truth. As much as ana is a bitch I’m well and truly still tied to her. I just cover her over with a bubble when I’m in hospital. As the moment I step outside of those four walls it’s pops and she’s there. She’s back. She’s alive. 
I want a cuddle. I need a cuddle. I want an alcoholic drink. I need an alcoholic drink. I want my duvet. I need my duvet. I want this to end. I need this to end. 

Home leave.

So I’ve come home for the weekend. And I’ve only been here 3 hours and already know I can’t come back and live here. No disrespect to my mum and Dad but I just can’t. There’s too many bad memories here. Too many triggers.  Too much loneliness. Too much of nothing. Too much of my room. And too easy to get back into the same routine I had. I already thought I would move out but now I know I have too! 

I’ve failed miserably on food today too. Not sticking to my meal plan. I’ve missed 2 full snacks had reduced sugar beans with my jacket potato and tempted to miss my 3rd and final snack. It’s just too easy. And eating here too makes me feel more guilty. I think it’s because I associated being here with being at my skinniest. I walked back into my room. A room I haven’t been in for about 3 months and all the bad memories came flooding back. I’d see certain things and feel a twang. I’d remember what I did. Saw my fortisip drinks. See things from my past. They all came flooding back. And this is a room I have to stay in two night. A bed I have to sleep in. 

My cats weren’t even sure who I was. Timid around me and hiding. That hurt. Two hours later my dads on the computer and mums in the paper watching tele and I’m sitting here blogging. Feeling a lot like I felt before. Before hospital. I hate myself. I also today found out another person I know well is getting married. There younger than me. Out of the 4 of us I’m the one with nothing. I’m the one wasting my life. I’m the one who’s life is on hold and will be in hospital for at least another 3 months. Yep. 3 months at least. So I was told today in my cpa. 3 more months. Possibly 4. I’m barely halfway through. More depressed and fatter. God knows what I’ll be like then. 

Let’s hope tomorrow will be better. I’m not ungrateful to my parents. I’m very grateful. And I’m lucky I can come home. But I know now for sure I can’t move back here.