So I’m sure this blog might explain a couple of things. My silence the past month or so and my positivity on my last blog. So………..there’s going to be the pitter patter of tiny little feet in September. Yes you read correctly. Me and my partner are delighted to announce that I’m pregnant and we are due in September! We’re over the moon! I’ve always believed pregnancy is a wonderfully special thing and that it is a miracle and this has just confirmed my belief. I’ve had a rollercoaster of a few years. I’ve been in and out of a+e about 5 times, each being an overdose, each one worse than the last. I’ve been a day patient at a eating disorder clinic, I’ve had a million jobs, months/years off sick, two full time hospital admissions, one lasting 8 months and hours and hours of meetings with psychiatrists, doctors and care coordinators. So I never ever thought this day would happen. I was told countless times by doctors that I was permanently damaging my body it wasn’t just the effect it had on me then it was the effect it would have on me long term. Ever since I was ill all my support team had known how much I longed to be a mum but the iller I became the less sure they were that I would become one, the damage I was doing physically and mentally was too much for my body. But I dug deep. Practically Discharged myself. And now where here. Yes it’s not been easy. It’s been a massive battle. Recovery isn’t straight forward. I’m still recovering In fact. My meds have been changed, I’m
Classed as high risk and I have to have to extra monitoring after the baby is born. But I’m determined this is the making of me. The making of us in fact. Me my partner and jelly bean (the bump) we’re our own little family and I can’t wait for the future. Yes things scare me. Post natal depression terrifies me! Anorexia returning even stronger worries me. If my mental health will pass on to my child. But I believe with the all the love and support I have, me my partner and jelly bean will be good. We’re are over the moon that we have been so blessed and can’t wait to welcome the little bundle of joy into the world in September!
So this Is totally unrelated to my depression, anxiety or anorexia. But today I’ve been crippled by what I can only describe as excruciating neck pain. I phoned the out of hours service, I’ve been to a&e and I’ve googled loads. But I don’t think anyone gets just how much pain I’m in. This isn’t just a sore neck. I haven’t just slept funny. This is excruciating agonising bent over double in pain pain. I’ve been up all night. Literally. The meds they gave worked 4 hours. And that’s it. But I can only take the one that works once a day (due to health reasons) and before bed so that’s no good as I spend 20 hours waiting to take the next one and the pain killers don’t touch it. I’m not being over dramatic. I can normally deal with pain but this is agony. I can’t even describe it. Ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch
So I haven’t blogged in a while. I feel I’ve neglected you all but here’s an update…
Anorexia wise things are going ok. I still face obstacles and body image is just horrendous these days. I go days without washing as I can’t bear myself naked and can’t remember the last time I looked in mirror. But I can deal with that. Just about. I think I may be getting discharged from my eating disorder care coordinator too.
Depression wise I’m bumbling along. For health reason my meds that I’ve been on for two years have been stopped and I’m now on different medication. So it’s been quite hard. I’ve had really bad days. But I have to say overall I am surprising myself. I’m getting up, getting dressed and going to work or baking cakes. Whatever it is to keep me busy. Yes work. I have a job. It’s part time but I also just got offered a new full time one 🙂
And last but not least. Family wise. Well it’s a bit half and half. Me and parents we are great. We’re talking more. And I’m trying to spend a bit more time with them. But brother wise it’s not so great. We’ve had a tough month or so of arguing and not talking. And I thought we had cleared it all. I thought we were getting back to normal. But we’re not. I’m still being ignored. And I’m still feeling like I don’t exist. I’m making the effort but it’s not made back. It’s so hard. We used to be so close but now there just feels like this gap has come between us that maybe isn’t bridgeable. I hope it is. And I hoped the news we shared last week would help. But it hasn’t. It seems to have driven the wedge in further.
So all in all. I’m ok. I spend most of days with my soulmate planning for the future. Yes we’ve had our moments this past month but we’ve been under a lot of stress and tiredness too. So I don’t hold it against us. We move on. We make sure we spend days together not just an hour. We’re making time for us. Anorexia is slowing becoming less and less and my depression is still there, big time, but I’m managing to stay a float most days.