I have this massive urge to weigh myself. It won’t end well. So I’m trying my damn hardest to resist the urge but man it’s a strong one.
I know I’ve put weight on. I know I have. I want to see how much. But if I weigh myself. And deep down I know I need to put weight on. I’ll take one look at the scales and then try to eat even less to loose the weight I’ve gained.
In reality I’m gonna put weight on easily as I’ve lost so much and weigh so little that even if I eat a tad more than I do I’ll put eight in. And the scares me. I don’t want to “gain weight” I don’t want the scales to go up. But deep deep deep down buried by everything I know I need to put weight on.
The constant daily battles I have. I’m so hungry and just want to eat. But If it’s more than my usual regime and hate it. I kick myself. I can’t remember the last time I was full or when I had something on a menu I actually wanted. Half the time I do t want anything. I leave food as that feels better than finishing it. I eat than a my normal and feel fat.
It’s a constant battle, how much calories has if got, how much fat. A food shop takes ages just to get veg and soup. I walk past so many things I fancy. I am literally paranoid of getting fat. It just consumes me, controls me, it is me at moment
I haven’t blogged for a little while, been in a bit of a dip and haven’t known what to think let alone say. But yesterday I was feeling positive and was smiling. I knew it wouldn’t last. And some selfish person has taken they away from me.
My best friend. Well I say my best friend. We were best friends. We would tell each other everything! See each other all the time. Help each other. I was there when she wasn’t doing well and she was there for me. I was the one who bailed her out and lent her money, did her food shop, popped up to see her when we were looosing contact. And now I find out she’s moving. And hasn’t even told me! Was she even going to tell me. If it was for her partner putting it on Facebook I wouldn’t have known. Imagine if I turned up at her house and someone else answered the door. I’m so fucked off it’s ridiculous. It’s totally taken my mood and now I feel like shit.
I’m just used, the doormat everyone steps over and forget. The piece of rubbish in the bottom of the bin that is stuck there and forgotten about. Covered over by A bin bag and will forever remain that way.
What is so wrong with me. I have barely any friends. I’m so alone. What’s so wrong that no one wants to be my friend. Be there for me. Text me for once and ask how I am. Not the other way round.
I’ll always be the one people forget. Aimee who?????? Well screw them all, life’s a bitch and I’ve had enough
Probably not the best thing to do after feeling pants all week but I went out last night drinking. I didn’t drink that much and actually came home sober but my mood has plummeted. I look back at pictures and look so old and haggered in the photos from last night. I’m ageing loads in the face, I look hideous. And I just felt so alone. How’s that possible in a room
Full of people.
I have the sick feeling already because of work tomorrow. I just want to hide forever. Over these two days I’m lucky if I got 8 hours sleep. I just can’t sleep, can’t nap, nothing. Yet I’m so tired. And then there’s food. I ate loads yesterday. I had drunk macdonalds 😦 already taken a laxative to get this out of me
anyone could see this but here goes, I can’t show my parents and only two of my friends know, one doesn’t know the extent of it but here’s a comparison of me.
Now and a year ago.
I was told earlier that I look better a year ago and they wish that I was like that. This makes me feel shit. I’ve ruined my body but it’s too late now, hearing this doesn’t make me want to eat, it makes me want to punish myself. I’m ugly. I’n both pictures. But I look sick in one.
So my week in a blog.
Well, it’s been a pretty odd week. Not a great one at all. I’ve had lots of arguments with my friend, we seem to clash a lot and worry too much what the other is thinking. But that asides it’s still not been great.
I just don’t know what I’m doing with my life, I have to purpose, no reason. Im just mearly floating, plodding along, unnoticed, passing people by in a bubble.
I went to to the doctors this week, I saw my doctor, who knows everything and is amazing, but even that had changed. He didn’t seem too interested, tried to fob me off, and seemed angry and fed up with me. It’s made me realise I’m helpless. People don’t really care, even the doctor can’t notice how much I’m struggling, not even the figures he has written down: 7st 2, addicted to laxatives, bmi of 15 he still doesn’t seem to notice. It would appear I’m in that stage when no one notices me. No one cares. I just pass them by. Makes me think even more so they wouldn’t notice if I died.
My boss was back this week, no thank you, no well done. No acknowledgement of my hard work I’ve put in when he’s been away, yet I’m still the one who goes in early and is the mug people take advantage off. I’m a door mat, they just walk on and over me. That’s what I am a door mat, or the piece of rubbish that gets left behind stuck in the bin, with a new bag placed over the top of me.
I’m not sleeping, you guessed it, I’m still not eating, I’m waiting for something, but I don’t know what. I think I’ll forever be waiting for a sign, I’m so bloody lost in life!!!
And then I get told I look better a year ago, ouch. That doesn’t make me want to eat to get back to that weight. It hurts. Like I’m not attractive now. I hate myself. The way I look. Everything. But for someone to say I look better back then and they wish I looked like that now. It hurts.
Anyway that’s pretty much my week, another week just passed me by. Another week and still lost.
That time again, the longest relationship I’ve had is with 3am. I see it everyday like clockwork. Alone with my thoughts. Just me and the darkness. Every thought multiplied, every thought constant and repetitive, determined to keep me awake until me brain hurts, until I get frustrated and stressed. 3am should be the time my brain switches off and I’m thoughtless for once. But no, the complete damn opposite!
It’s been an odd week this week, not the best, I don’t feel like I’m making progress, I feel I’m just getting even more lost. Lost to the point of no return. I was asked today where I see myself in a years time, I laughed. I’ll still be here, nothing to show for myself, the failure of the family, the no hope girl still plodding and fighting through life, or maybe just maybe I’ll have plucked up the guts by then. I described myself today using a quote from a film, everyone I hear this it’s me, it describes me to a tee
I can’t even get anything out of my brain to write down it’s so packed full, muddled up, confused , working over time, broken. It never switches off and I just want it all to stop. For a minute, for 2, forever long I just need it to stop.
It’s only Monday and so many things going on already. This week is going to be a rubbish week. I just want to run away. Or close my eyes to never open them again. I don’t know what I want. That’s the worst. I don’t know what’s wrong, it’s is many things. The worst thing is just not knowing. When someone says what’s wrong. And you simply reply ” I don’t know”
I feel like I’m being pulled in all directions, my mind, my heart, my past, my present, every aspect of life is pulling me in a different direction. And soon it will break me
I have so many questions so many thoughts. The main ones are why and when.
Why do I have this. And when will it end.
I don’t have a life changing event or moment that made me like this. I’m just like this. It frustrates me why I don’t know why I have this. And Why I don’t have friends, what’s so wrong with me that people just don’t like me, forget me , don’t even notice me. Why everyone is so much better. Why I have a food problem, why I compare myself to everyone I see. Why I think of death and why it doesn’t scare me. Just why. It’s the biggest most unanswered question.
And then there’s the when. When will end, soon, in a year, in two. Will it end for good? I know deep down it won’t. I know I’ll have this for ever. But when will it get easier. When will I be happy all the time. When will I eat normally when will I stop worrying. When will I start living. When will I be better.
When, why and how.
How will it end. Will it be me getting better or will it be it beating me. How will I learn to be happy. How will I eat. How will I have a life.
It’s all questions isn’t it. And it frustrates me that none of them i can answer. I have opinions but I’m always wrong. Plans always fail so I never like to think if something happening as the let down is worse. I just want answers. But how do I get them.
Today it hit me. It must be me. All of this is me.
My friend cancelled today (I can count my friends on one hand) and I spiralled downwards. I’m so alone. But that must be because of me. She cancelled, it must be me, every other girl is skinner or prettier , I’m a mug, that’s clearly me , I have depression, must be my fault too!
I felt so faint today shopping but I won’t eat. Incant control my feelings but I can control my food. It’s like a little win if I manage to miss a meal and I need little wins to get me through the day.
No one notice if I went. A few people would. But they would get over it. There would be no Aimee shaped whole. It would be Aimee who???
Sorry for the no sense post, it’s just my feelings and I had to get them out.
Happy weekend everyone.
So everyone was weighing themselves at work today with the new scales. I hate weighing myself. Hate it. As if I’ve put on weight I’ll just want I lose it. But I took the plunge and did it!
So I’m 5″7 and should weigh around 8st 8 minimum to be classed as healthy. Instead I weigh 7st 3. I felt two things when I read this on the scales. My first thought was ‘yes, I haven’t put on weight’ but 2nd was ‘shit, that’s the lowest I’ve been’
Now I’ve gone and weighed myself and I know how little I weigh I’ve got myself in another whole. As if I eat I’ll put on weight. And although the doctor Says I need to. Weight gain is weight gain. And I’ll hate it. Then there’s the other side of me and to see if I can lose more, not more as such but just not gain.
I’ve never weighed that low but I still feel fat. I’m repulsed by my stomach! And I was so stressed today I had 3 chocolates which I’m now hating!!!
I don’t know what to do, where to turn, how to get better and to top it all off today I realised just how much of a mug I am. But I’ll come to that another day.