So today I was out of the hospital as I had a trail shift at a bakery, (By the way The trail went amazing and I loved it) but along comes anorexia gleamingly happy that I’m away from the hospital as this means one thing. No food. Time to restrict. So that’s what I did.
With ana in my ear all of yesterday and today it saw today not as an opirtunity to show of my baking skills but as an opportunity to restrict. As I was up at the crack of dawn it was easy to miss breakfast. Then followed snack. Another easy miss. Then lunch. Another very easy miss. So I sit here at 3 o’clock in the afternoon having eaten nothing since 9pm last night (and that was a salad) and instead of being annoyed at myself I’m stupidly happy. I’m buzzing with the fact I haven’t eaten all day. And it was so easy to do it. As soon as I’m out of the four walls of the hospital my mind is just restrict, restrict, restrict. It was planning This day all week. Planning on how easy it would be to skip it all. Smiling and laughing at me the whole time. Tightening its grip on me, clapping its hands that it’s till got me on a leash. Cackiling at me laughing at me. So pleased that I’m still under its control.
As soon as I leave the hospital my mind just instantly plans what it can restrict and when, it doesn’t even think about food. I don’t even get hungry. I just don’t need food. I don’t need to eat. I got asked several time by people today if I wanted anything for breakfast. If I wanted a tea. A coffee. I declined them all. So easy as they no nothing about me Illness. Thy sent me home with the cakes I baked today, not knowing that I won’t eat any of them and they’ll be passed on to staff. I fooled them. Like I fool everyone. Everyone thinks that the aimee on transition is doing so well. What they don’t know behind the smile is she’s not. She’s still firmly under anorexias grip, restricting at every available opportunity cutting corners here there and everywhere. The only reason I eat in hospital is so I can leave and restrict. It’s not necessarily that I want to it’s that I have to. It gives me a sense of achievement it gives me a purpose. I’m good at it. It’s in me now. And I’ve no idea how it leaves. I’ve no idea how I don’t restrict. I’ve no idea when I’ll be rid of this.
Today’s trail went amazingly and already my mind is planning if I got the job how easy it would be to skip breakfast snack lunch and snack every single day. I wouldn’t have to eat. My cupboards would be empty. I wouldn’t be living at home so wouldn’t have people on my back. I’d be by myself and back in my ways of not eating. I’m happy with that. That’s my life. But how can I hold a job down if I can’t even eat. It may sound like I want this. I don’t want this. It’s just stuck in me. I need to be thin. I need to see my bones. I want people to look at me and stare at me beacaue I’m so thin. But right now I’m just invisible. I blend in to the crowd more invisible than every before. People just blanking me. Walking past me. Thinking I’m fine. When in act I’m screaming out for help. when will the awful illness leave me. When will I be ok. When will I want to cook myself dinner. When will I choose to eat. When? When will this end?