Well today I was meant to have a date. But surprise surprise they cancelled.
It was no surprise really. Who am I kidding. Who would want to date a fat ugly loner loser of a girl who’s so weak and pathetic that she ended up in hospital beacaue she can’t do the basic necessitiy of a human being and eat. Oh and it clinically depressed too! Why! Why would anyone want to date this when they can date a stunner of a girl who’s normal and thinner and not fucked up in the head like me.
I don’t know why I stupidly let myself get my hopes up and get excited and made up for the date only to be let down. I should have know this was comin. Deep down I knew he would cancel but was still secretly thinking he might go through with it. But who was I kidding. I’m an anorexic depressed loser and he doesn’t want to get involved with that when he can have anyone else.
Well that’s my Saturday ruined. Can you Imagine being in hospital all day and having nothing to do. It’s torture. No one to talk. Nothing to do. Nowhere to go. Well today can fuck off like all the others can. I’m done with this all. I’ve well and truly had enough
So all I’m doing is eating my way out so I can go back to restricting. But the longer I’m here. The more weight I put on the harder it is getting to eat.
Today I went out when snack was due so I bought myself some sweets as that’s what I fancied. But instead of eating them I ate 3 and spat the 4th out and chucked them in the bin.
It’s so hard to explain. I know I need to eat to put the weight on to get out but I don’t want to eat. I don’t want to gain more weight. But half of my head is saying eat eat eat use this as an excuse to eat, ” you’ll be able to restrict soon” it’s screaming. And the other half of my brain is saying it’s wrong to eat. I’m fat enough I don’t need food I’m already failing and the more I eat the more I fail.
I’m being pulled left and right being pushed up and down. I’m all over the bloody place.
But one things is for sure this place hasn’t changed my head. It’s made it worse. And I WILL go back to restricting as soon as I wave goodbye to this place. I have to. I need to. It’s in me. And it’s in me forever. I can’t see how it won’t be. I can’t see how one day I’ll just think you know what, I want to eat. When will that happen!! It won’t.
Oh and one other thing. I hate hypocrites!!
I finally felt loved today. I felt my mum loved me. I really really felt it.
I have had an awful week. The doctor thinks it’s beacaue of my medication change. But regardless of the reason this week has been awful. I’ve been self harming I’ve been isolating nyself I detest my body, I’ve been crying over jumper stains, cakes, hangers falling out of wardrobes. I’ve been extremely frustrated and angry. I’ve been hitting myself. Hitting my head till I feel dizzy, reaching for the scissors and scaratching my arm, getting th blazer and cutting my stomach till blood runs down my leg. I needed to feel the sting and smell the blood I needed that pain I needed it. So yes. This week has been awful.
Today my mum (who should have been at work) called in sick and came to visit me. She gave me the biggest hug and we just had mother daughter time. We went round the charity shops and chatted. We chatted about everything, even about how I felt. That’s the fort proper time I’ve told my mum exactly how I’ve been feeling. Before Mum left I told her how grateful I was and how much I needed it. She simply saying that’s what mums are for.
So today I felt the love I’ve missed for so long. Today felt good. It felt good to have that love. To feel that bond.
P.s I always won the cake competition today
The floodgates opened today. All I’ve done today is cry. Today has been horrible. I’ve cried over everything. From little things to big things. Literally everything
I’m so sick of this all. I just want it to end but I can’t see how it will. I was meant to have a job interview tomorrow but bailed as I know I won’t get it and can’t even do it if I was to get it. I baked a cake today but because it wasn’t perfect I cried. I cried in art therapy. I cried in the kitchen. I cried to my brother. My mum has called work tomorrow and cancelled so she can see me as I’m really not ok. I’m self harming again. I’m angry. I’m frustrated. I’m massively struggling mentally. I can’t see how this will all get better I really really can’t. Right now all I want is to close my eyes and never ever open them again. Please all pray for me that that happens. It’s really what I want. This to be over. This “life” to end.
So tonight I got to leave the hospital as one of the patients was being discharged so we where allowed out to celebrate.
We went out for a meal. Which I was terrified by. But I did it. I ordered a normal meal and ate it. And shock horror, enjoyed it. I felt normal. We chatted about anorexia , obviously, as that’s all we know but we all also chatted about mundane stuff, normal stuff. And it was good.
We then went on to have drinks and all Got a bIt tipsy but it was good. We were being normal and having a good time and not letting anorexia control it define us.
It’s night like this that I want recovery but I just don’t know how it’s possible. I really don’t. I have so much doubt surrounding it. I want it. I do. But I can’t see it happening. I skipped all snacks today. All 3. As I was going out for a meal. And I chose the under 600 Calaorie meal so haven’t had more than I needs. I’ve actually had less. When will eating be ok for me. When. When will I want tot eat. When will u choose it. When.
***possible triggering content***
Yep. That’s me. A stupid fing tit. I’m so stupid. I hate myself. I spilt coffee all down my crisp white jumper and now it’s stained.
This made me
A) cry, b) get the scissors out and c) hit my head till it made me feel dizzy.
My left arm is now red and stinging where I’ve been scratching and burning it. But I needed to punish myself for being so stupid. So stupid for spilling coffee down me and so stupid for crying over a stain on a jumper.
I’m feeling fat, alone, angry, lost, stupid, annoyed. Pretty much every feeling. I was having a good day and now a stain on my jumper has literally ruined it. How can things change so quickly. How!?!?! I hate life. I hate it!
I messaged my bestie as it’s her first day at uni tomorrow. She simply replied “thank you” no “how are you”no “are you ok” no “have you had a good weekend ” nothing.
Why! Why do I bother. Why!!! What’s so wrong with me. I guess if I hate myself I can’t expect someone else to like me.
I’m ok guys. I got all my frustrating out. I’m calming now. I’ll be fine. Please don’t worry. It’s all superficial scratches I’m not going to do anything else. I promise.
I feel shit. Nothing can cheer me up today. I went out with my parents which was nice but even that didn’t make me feel good. I won scrabble with the patients but that still didn’t raise a smile. I bought a new top, but nope, still nothing. A patient plaited my hair but I still felt crap.
I tried to shower away the blues but that didn’t work. Nothing’s working. I feel so low. I’ve had the nasty thoughts all day today. I got the train to meet my parents and looked at the windows. Imagined how I would do it. Saw a bridge and thought it again. There coming back more regularly at the moment. I seem to be in a big rut right now. I’ve started to self harm again. I feel I need to. I look obese I hate how big I am I hate how lonely I am I hate much of a failure I am. I hate it all. I hate that it’s Saturday night and I’m sitting on my hospital bed alone. I hate that I have a day out but have to come back here. I hate how I have to keep eating and keep putting weight on. I didn’t manage to skip as much of my food today as I planned. It was many easy as my mum knows what I need to eat. So not much was skipped. Which makes me feel even fatter. Even worse.
I’m so alone so fed up so low I just want this all to end and I don’t care how I just want it over. I want to restrict u want to loose weight. I want to feel my bones. I want to see them. I want my stomach to go in not out. I hate every single part of me
So tonight me and 3 other patients got to go out “bowling” (we went for drinks) to say goodbye as my friend and fellow patient is getting discharged. I will her miss her heaps and can’t Imagine her not being her. But I really do wish her the best and hope she can beat this illness.
It felt so weird going out. At the same time it was great yet touture. We had a curfew of 10pm so as everyone’s night was getting started ours was ending and we had to get a cab back to the hospital. It was torment seeing everyone having a good time and a night out and us going back. I also looked at photos taken today and compared them with old photos. My face is so much fuller and rounder now. I’ve put on so much weight. I really have. I long to lose it. I long to restrict I long to go back to how I was. I miss it. I need it. If makes me feel like I have a reason in life. It makes me feel I have a purpose. I miss it. I’m slowly losing it. The more weight I gain the further I am from it. I long for the day when my stomach goes in and not out. I need it to get back to that. I need to feel like that
So I had family therapy today. Alison my therapist is lovely and can easily talk to her which helps. But there always tough sessions. In fact Today’s been quite a challenging day already.
1. Family therapy. I talked about why I’m doing what I’m doing. Why I’m internet dating why I’m looking for jobs, why Im looking for anyone to like me, want me and be seen with me. It’s beacaue I need to feel wanted. I need to feel accepted. I never felt wanted or loved and this is why I’m doing it now. I’m seeking it out but it doesn’t work. It just makes me feel more lonely. Every rejection I get just makes me feel more alone. We spoke how when I do restrict my eating I’m doing it beacaue ana is my one friend. Ana needs me. Ana reassures me. Ana tells me I’m worthy!
2. My friend is getting discharged. She’s not better. There discharging her because there is nothing more than can do. She doesn’t want to get better and they can’t make her. But this is hard for me as if she can be discharged why can’t I. Why have two people I know been discharged without being at a healthy weight and I have to stay here at eat and eat and eat.
3. Coffee. Today I’m going for coffee and meeting up with an ex patient. I’m terrified. Very nervous. And I don’t even know why. There’s no need to be nervous but I am. I’ve gone for coffee millions of time but I’m really nervous now. I think I’m worried what they’ll say when they see me or I’m worried what I’ll think when I see them. I’ll want to restrict I want there life. There freedom. I’ll be jealous. They’ll go home and I’ll come back here. It’s silly to be nervous but I am.
4. My body image. I know all I mention is how fat I am but it’s the truth. I’ve had to change clothes already today because of how I looked. I’m terrified people can see my stomach. Me seeing it is one thing but other people seeing the bulge is another. They’ll think I’m pregnant I’m massive.
No day gets easier. They just get harder!
So today’s been a very mixed day. My mum visited today. Which was lovely. But I’m now feeling shit again. People from my past still affect me now and I hate how much control of my emotions they still have.
I was meant to have a date tonight but he turned funny and was clearly only after one thing so I called it off. Who would want to date me though whilst I’m in a mental hospital. No one.
I had cake for dessert today and I’m beating myself up over that. I should have had the lemon meringue pie. It would be lighter and less fatty. But I chose the cake as I chose it for taste. But now regret it.
I’ve been in hospital 5 months now. 5 months of my life wasted. 5 months of feeling so alone. 5 months of being fat! Someone is getting discharged this week as there’s nothing more they can do for her and she’s openly admitted she’ll go back to restricting. I’m jealous. I want to restrict. I want my stomach to go in not out.
I can bear by naked body. I still suck my stomach in loads. It’s cover it scars it’s fat it’s wobbly. It’s horrible. I’ve started to hurt myself again. I really do hate myself. Every part of me. Every time I feel positive I then come crashing down back to reality. Back to the fact I’m in a mental hospital. Alone. And fat. And no one wants to know me. I can’t get a job beacause I’m in here. I can’t get a date. Though I’m not even sure I’m ready for that. I think that’s a filler for being lonely but acatual makes me feel more alone and horrible about myself. I’m sick and tired of hearing things about me. Words hurt! I like to think I’m a nice person. Honest and loyal but people from my past continue to say nasty stuff about me and paint a picture of a bitch. And because um so low I believe it. I believe this is all karma. I believe I deserve this. I start to believe them. Maybe it is all me. After all it’s all my fault so it must be me. 5 months of this. And I dint know how many more months I can take of this “life” I use the ” as this isn’t a life this is hell.