A mess

What a mess. So close to Christmas too. My job hangs in the balance. I’m off sick. Not earning. Just getting fat. 2019 is meant to be “our year” we’re meant to be moving our growing up and living but how can I do that when I have no money. When I’m not earning. When I don’t know where I’ll be in two weeks time. I’m off with stress and sickness and I’m trying my upmost not to stress I’m trying my best not to breakdown and cry. I’m trying with all I have to be “ok” and enjoy this Christmas time. But all I want to do is cry. I don’t know where to turn what to do what to think or what to say. It’s like I’m a zombie. Living in a daze. Things just passing me by. My concentration has completely gone. I can’t even read a book anymore. I just sit and stare. I was meant to be going round the charity shops today but instead I opted to sit down and wait in a blur. I don’t want to ruin Christmas. I don’t want people to worry about me. I Want them to enjoy Christmas and not having the burden of me I want them to be worry free but it’s so hard putting the brave face on and acting ok when deep down I’m not. Deep down I’m a complete mess.

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