What a day 

All I want to do is not exist. I’ve had enough I really have. As I write this all thats on my mind is ending it. I’ve barely eaten all day, well apart from pick and mix sweets, it’s 5pm and I’ve drunk two drinks already, with another poured. I feel fat. Disgusting. Alone. I feel I am to blame. I feel i deserve this. This is all my fault. I bought it all on. I’m to blame. I have an appointment tomorrow with the psychologists. I have the Crisis number, the safer places number and the samaratains Number. My care co is worried about me. She’s phoned my brother. And is making him phone me tonight. She’s told me to go to a and e if I don’t feel safe. But I won’t. If I don’t feel safe I don’t feel safe. I don’t want help. I just want it all to end. It has to. I’ve had enough of life I really have. 

6 thoughts on “What a day 

  1. I can totally relate. Please don’t give up though. I followed your blog because I sense a lot of hope in you even though it may look hopeless. But you are not alone. There are SO many others out there that can relate to your situation. Sometimes the hardest thing with depression and alcohol is the willingness to do things. I like to ask myself “Is what I am doing working? If not, what else is there?” Then I usually dismiss everything because I’m “always” right. But the truth I realize is that I don’t know what works if I haven’t tried. Trying something different until I figure it out. But always trying…

    Like

  2. I recognize every word of this (though I’m not drinking alcohol anymore). I know these feelings well. I know you’re not asking for advice, so all i can say is that when I feel this way (several times a week!) I remind myself that it will pass.

    I wish I could take some of this weight off of your shoulders.

    Liked by 1 person

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