So today I went to the gym. And obsessed over the calories. Watching the number tick up and up and up. Not stopping till I’d burnt off enough calories to counteract the two snacks I had today at eating school. I felt disgusting that I hadn’t been to the gym in two days because of the weather. I felt fat. Ugly. Obese. Lazy. I knew I needed to go today. I had to. It wasn’t an option. It wasn’t a choice. I planned how much I’d burn off. I planned what I’d do. Tomorrow and Sunday I’ll be back there burning off more calories. It’s obsessive and I’ve barely the energy at weekends as I don’t eat but I’ll force myself to go. Today I had my month review at day patient and I confessed I joined the gym. They told me to quit. They all shook there heads. All disapproved. They sat there and listened to how I was obsessing over it, how I was counting calories in everything. Counting them in food counting what I was burning off. I guess I told them about the gym as I wanted justification. I wanted them to turn around and say “but your not fat” “you don’t need to go” “you look lovely as you are” but they didn’t. They all just shook there heads and didn’t really say much. I don’t know what I was expecting. My review was ok I guess. I didn’t really get much out of it. My weight is now lower than it was when I joined day patient. I know. I know. It makes no Sense. But weekends and days off I starve myself. Though they don’t seem to care. It’s hard. I eat whilst I’m there. Because I have to but as soon as I’m not there I stop eating. Losing the weight. I’ve been day patient for 5 weeks now and my weight has decreased. I’m not making any progress and I’ve no idea what to do 

2 thoughts on “Calories 

  1. I also obsess over the calories in everything, especially when I go to the gym. I wonder if the machine calories are actually accurate or if they’re sorely overcompensating or something. It’s like I can even enjoy working out because all I think is numbers numbers numbers. Exercise to be healthy? Nah. Exercise to burn calories and lose weight? Yes please! But speaking of exercise, mine has also been slacking up here recently and also feel fat and horribly out of shape. I admire your determination to go to the gym even though you’re tired. Many people (myself included) use every excuse to get out of going but when I do that, I’m only hurting myself.

    Even though you may feel like you’re not making the progress where you would like, you’ll figure it out. You got this!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I used to and still do get obsessed over the numbers. The numbers in my food and the numbers on my scales. I’ve genuinely found some solace since my friend took away my scales and I’m not exercising on machines that tell me my calorie output. It’s been a tough four weeks and yes, they plan to weigh me next week which scares the hell outta me cos the Demon says ‘I must have gained weight’ but I almost know now that knowing numbers was so incredibly detrimental to me. Stay strong, try to eat, even if it’s small. Think about what your body needs as nourishment to perform at the gym, what your body needs as nourishment to be health all round. x


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