Marshmallows 

So I’ve pigged out. And now feel fat. Fat doesn’t even cover it. I know feel obese. Greedy. Ashamed. Guilty. Fraud like. I feel I’m failing anorexia. She’s shouting at me. Telling me off. Calling me a failure. Calling me a fake. She’s creaming and she’s so loud I can’t think or hear anything else. All I can hear is how I’m letting her down. How I’m a fraud and am failing at her. What was it I pigged out you may ask. Well. It was 5 marshmallows. Yep. That’s it. 5 marshmallows and I feel like this. 5 fat free marshmallows and I feel disgusting. I’m sucking in my stomach. Holding it in. I feel like making myself sick. I feel so greedy. I need these marshmallows out of me. Not a million years ago and I’d have eaten a whole bag of them and not feel anything. But now I eat 5 and hate myself. Detest myself. Want to cut open my stomach and physically pull them out. I feel revolting. All over 5 marshmallows. Today I’m off from day patient and didn’t have breakfast or snack. And had a lighter lunch. So I know my intake is less than it would have been. Even with the marshmallows. But I still feel fat. I’m calculating everything down to the precise calorie. So far I’ve had 552 calories and still have dinner to go. So I’m going to hit 1000. 1000 less than I should be on but this doesn’t register. I still feel fat. I still feel horrible. How does hat make sense. My brain is fucked. Is completely ruined. It doesn’t register I’ve eaten under the intake. It doesn’t register I still got into size 6 jeans. It doesn’t see the number. It doesn’t pay attention. All it sees is I’ve eaten 5 marshmallows and that I’m fat. Greedy. Ugly. A lier and a fraud. If I could physically remove my brain and switch it with someone else’s I’d be fixed. Instead I end up feeling like this all day. Every day. And it sucks. Beyond belief 

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