Hump day 

So today instead of surviving off of 4 marshmallows, a cappuccino, and a bowl of soup, I’ve had 6 marshmallows, a skinny cappuccino and I’m going out for a meal with my family :/ I feel so fat. So greedy. Like such a pig that I ate two extra marshmallows. I’ve calculated what I’m having for dinner and including the cappuccino and marshmallows I’m still well under the target range. But this means nothing. I sill feel fat. So I had a bath. I sat there in the bath, picked up the razor and cut. I cut and cut and cut. Not on my arms where everyone can see but in my stomach. My fat. Bulging stomach. It got cut. Blood dripping down it. It deserved it. It needed it. I’ve over indulged. I needed to punish it. And I did 

2 thoughts on “Hump day 

  1. I encourage you to be kind to yourself. You need to eat healthy, yes. We all should. Eat to live not live to eat.

    When you’re not eating enough and starving yourself, it will lead to not sleeping well, wrong thoughts and wrong perspective on life (suicidal thoughts can increase because the brain needs food), and physical problems (even damage to vital organs) due to overtaxing your body that is needing energy to function properly. Here is an example of the amount of calories you can eat:
    https://www.webmd.com/diet/features/estimated-calorie-requirement

    Check out other websites that discuss caloric intake. It is higher than you’re letting yourself have. And even so, you’re beating yourself up. You don’t need to do that. You’re special and worth it… Instead of cutting, go for a jog and do sit ups to build up muscle. This will be more beneficial to you and it will be a different type of hurting (muscles being used). Not inward anger and punishment. It is even ok to have a bulging stomach, but it may be so much bigger in your eyes than what others see. Someone will love you for who you are as you learn to be kind to yourself. Don’t trust what you’re seeing in the mirror as your gauge for how you’re doing. Rather, take steps that show you’re caring for your body which will overflow to caring about your soul and spirit…

    I just want the best for you… I know you’re hurting and you’re in a battle trying to overcome something so personal as anorexia. I know what you’re dealing with isn’t easy. Begin to be good to yourself. End the hurting of you. Praying for you!!…

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I kind of know how you feel but for a different reason. I can’t afford to eat much and because i do lots of exercise i am hungry a lot of the time. When i do get a decent amount of food. I feel really fat and guilty for eating so much. Somehow i manage to survive though. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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