Drunk 

So as I sit and write this I’m on my own in a pub getting drunk. Two doubles down. Head feeling fuzzy. Feeling alone. Feeling lost. Feeling crap. I don’t really know what to say. Today I saw my care ordinator and she couldn’t really care. She didn’t really seemed bothered by what I’d done or by the fact I sat there and openly told her that I’m going to try and kill myself again. She didn’t really care. Sums up my life really. No one really cares. 

I know I’m going to do it again. It’s just a case of when. I know how. I know what I’ll do different this time. I know how to make it work this time round. And I will. I just need to find the time. 

Day patient is hard work. I feel so fat. So massive. I feel like I shouldn’t be there. I feel ugly. I feel a fraud. I feel like a lier. Like I shouldn’t be there. I’m too fat to be there. 

Yesterday I had a date and it went really well. I really like him. But he doesn’t know my shit. When he does he’ll disappear. That’s for sure. Who would want to get involved with me 

4 thoughts on “Drunk 

  1. Speaking from the experience of being someone who lost a friend to suicide a little over 7 years ago and still feels the pain of it, and as another person who deals with chronic depression, please don’t go through with it.

    Judging from her suicide note, my friend was feeling isolated, alone, and like no one cared about her too. I don’t want to undermine or invalidate how she felt and perceived things, but I also know she was wrong about people not caring. I’ve watched and felt the pain that her suicide left behind. I’ve watched it refuse to recede years later.

    Beyond how it affects the people left behind… you sound like you are in a horrible space right now, and I don’t know all of the details, how long you’ve been stuck in this space, or how long it’s going to last, but that doesn’t mean you’ll be here forever. It sounds like you got stuck with a care ordinator who is a terrible fit for you, and if you can, finding someone else may help, but just because she didn’t key in or react to what you said doesn’t mean that no one else cares.

    It also doesn’t mean that you should give in to the lies that depression and other mental illnesses tell you. Depression lies. It makes things look worse than they are – it makes bad situations seem insurmountable and it makes good situations seem neutral at best. It alters how you perceive the world around you, but while the pain and emotions that are caused by that shift make complete sense, your perception is still altered.

    Obviously you aren’t the same person as my friend and your situation isn’t exactly the same, and everyone experiences depression differently so your challenges with it aren’t exactly the same as mine, but… I suspect that the challenges you are facing are making it seem and feel like people care less than they do. That doesn’t make the experience feel any less lonely, isolating, or painful, but please consider the possibility that people care more than you think. And that there’s probably a light at the end of the tunnel if you can stick it out long enough to reach it.

    Like

  2. If you’re worried about them running when they find out anything, do what I did and get it all out of the way near the start. Not straight away because that could scare them before they know you, but after a couple of dates sit them down and tell them before you go any further, so you don’t waste their time and they don’t waste your time. You never know they might be in a similar situation or they might be willing to help you.

    Liked by 1 person

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