Weigh in 

So I’ve been an inpatient now for 3 weeks. And the longer I’m here the fatter I feel. I feel like a fraud, I feel guilty, I feel I shouldn’t be here. I’m eating so much food consuming loads all day everyday. My weight keeps going up. I know that’s the gist of things and it’s meant to be going up but it’s so hard to deal with. So hard to cope with. I hate seeing I’ve put weight on. I hate that feeling. My stomach is growing. My thighs are growing. I’ll be out of my size 6 jeans soon and in to size 8. I know this shouldn’t matter. But to me it does. To be it really matters. To me I’ll see that as failing. Evidence I’ve got fatter. I know it’s just a number but it’s a scary number. Realisation I’m getting bigger. I feel so big that I’m convinced people are staring at me. I’m convinced I look out of place I’m convinced I’m massive and stuck out like a sore thumb. I’m convinced all eyes are on me because I’m so big. It’s a horrible feeling. And it won’t go away. I’m desperate to lose weight. Desperate to leave inpatient behind and lose all the weight. Desperate to see my bones again and have a gap between my thighs. Desperate for my stomach to cave in not bulge out. When will these feelings go away! When will it get easier! When!? I keep thinking back to Saturday and wished it had worked. I can’t cope with this life. One second I can laugh the next I can be in tears. I’m surrounded by 10 people all day long but feel the loneliest I’ve ever felt. I really do. 

One thought on “Weigh in 

  1. ONLY with a body that takes up more space can we EVER have the chance to create a life of beauty that takes up more space. IT IS WORTH IT. don’t you give up yet. the darkness will never give you the peace your soul craves. 💙

    Like

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