Anorexia is so competitive. I’m really struggling with the thoughts that I’m failing and not good enough. I saw on social media that someone has been admitted to hospital due to low blood pressure and there anorexia. I can’t help but wish that was me. Instead I’m too fat. Too heavy and far far far away from being admitted to hospital. But I can’t help but wish it was me. Why? Well if it was me I’d know I’m succeeding in anorexia. I know I’m giving it want it wants. I know I’m a successful anorexic. Instead I just feel like I’m failing at anorexia and letting it down. I feel like I’m a disappointment. A poor excuse and example of anorexia. A failure. That’s how I feel. If I was a success that would be me and I’d be in hospital. Instead I’m too obese to be there. I’m just a fat pig. I feel people don’t take me seriously any more. I feel people don’t notice me or care. They just look at me. See I look fat and think I’m fine. When I’m actual fact I’m in turmoil all day every day and feel the only way out is death. Today I came clean to mhm and said I can’t help but think about popping more tablets. How the thoughts are still there. How I want to die. No Mum should have to listen to that. But that’s it. That’s how I feel. I feel the biggest failure. Failure of life and failure of anorexia. I’m a disappointment a let down. A waste of space. That’s me.