Failing 

Anorexia is so competitive. I’m really struggling with the thoughts that I’m failing and not good enough. I saw on social media that someone has been admitted to hospital due to low blood pressure and there anorexia. I can’t help but wish that was me. Instead I’m too fat. Too heavy and far far far away from being admitted to hospital. But I can’t help but wish it was me. Why? Well if it was me I’d know I’m succeeding in anorexia. I know I’m giving it want it wants. I know I’m a successful anorexic. Instead I just feel like I’m failing at anorexia and letting it down. I feel like I’m a disappointment. A poor excuse and example of anorexia. A failure. That’s how I feel. If I was a success that would be me and I’d be in hospital. Instead I’m too obese to be there. I’m just a fat pig. I feel people don’t take me seriously any more. I feel people don’t notice me or care. They just look at me. See I look fat and think I’m fine. When I’m actual fact I’m in turmoil all day every day and feel the only way out is death. Today I came clean to mhm and said I can’t help but think about popping more tablets. How the thoughts are still there. How I want to die. No Mum should have to listen to that. But that’s it. That’s how I feel. I feel the biggest failure. Failure of life and failure of anorexia. I’m a disappointment a let down. A waste of space. That’s me. 

One thought on “Failing 

  1. you FEEL like a waste of space. feeling is NOT the same as being. but hold on until tomorrow. one day, if you continue to fight, your life will be something you wake up into and never want to leave again.

    Like

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