I’m not really sure what to blog. I just know I have so much shit in my head that I need to get out. It’s driving me mad. It’s driving me crazy. Last night I sat there in the bath for 20 minutes slicing my razor across my arm cutting myself. I needed to. It was addictive. Just one more cut, one more slice, one more droplet if blood. I needed to see the blood. Feel the sting as my arm hit the water. It was instant relief. Relief from eating too much. Relief from feeling guilty. It was punishment. Punishment for eating too much all day every day at “eating school” punishment for being a failure. Punishment for being horrible. It’s sums up my life. I’ve messed it up so much the only way to get relief is to cut myself. The only way to cut the pain to rid myself of these thoughts is to find my razor. I feel like a massive failure. I’m unable to work. I’ve got a job but already thinking of quitting. I’m unable to eat unless I’m in hospital. I’m unable to maintain any relationships be it with friends or family or partners. Whatever the relationship it always takes a turn for the worst. My dad doesn’t understand I’m depressed. He doesn’t understand why I’m quiet and fed up. He doesn’t get it. Which makes it so much harder. I’m desperate to talk to someone but no idea who I can talk to. I want to get this all out but I can’t. It’s eating me up.