I can’t even get my feelings out of my head so god knows how this blog will go. I’m feeling so much I just need to scream. It’s all confusing. I feel stuck. Weighed down by all these thought. Hopeless and helpless. Lost. I genuinely feel the only way out is death. I think about it daily. It doesn’t scare me. It should. But it doesn’t. Today I met up with my support worker and she want to send me to what I call “eating school” it’s a day patient unit and she she wants me to attend it full time for a while as I’m not getting the support I need here on my own. Whilst it’s great I’ll have support it also stops me from doing anything. It stops me from going back to work. It stops me from earning money. It stops me from applying for new jobs. The job I have now won’t keep my position open for me that long so that will be a job lost. And then there’s the weight gain. I’m terrified of it. I’ve lost 2.5kg in a week and the way I’m going it will be another 2.5kg next week. I’m also taking more laxatives. It’s spiralling again. But I really don’t know what will help. Yes edict (the eating school) will get me to eat, mentally it won’t help me. And when I reach the weight I have to get to to be discharged. And I will. Then I’ll just go back to not eating. I don’t need help eating. Yes at the moment I’m not eating but I need help mentally! I can eat but it’s my brain telling me not to. Theses schools and hospitals and say units will just feed me up then send me on my way. Mentally the same. If mentally even worse. Im not winning this battle I’m losing it. Im failing. I’m lost. Confused. Fed up and down. Nothing is going my way and I don’t know which way to turn. I don’t know how to get better. I really don’t.