Borderline personality disorder 

I’m really not coping. I’m really struggling. I can’t cope with the mood swings. There so intense. So strong. So up and so down. Today, and it’s only 4 o’clock , I’ve wanted to die, I’ve cried , I’ve laughed , I’ve smiled , I’ve had suicidal thoughts ,I’ve been singing and laughing, I picked a knife up and wanted to cut myself, I hugged Someone and relaxed, I chatted all the way in to town, I sat in silence and wanted to hit the person next to me. I’m just all over the place. And what’s worse is that they’ve diagnosed me with this borderline personality disorder but no one has gone through it with me. No one has officially sat me down and told me. I just found out. I’ve no idea how to cope with it, what to do to combat it or fight it. And then to top everything off I receive a message. A message I shouldn’t have received. A message that messes with my head. A message that confuses me. Winds me up. Makes me angry. Makes me want to cry and scream.I just can’t deal with this all. It’s my birthday tomorrow and right now the last thing I want to do is celebrate. I feel all over the place. I’m not ready to start my next year. I’d happily not see it. I’d happily close my eye and cease existing. I really would. 

Ps. Sorry for the two blogs today. Just needed to get it all out 

8 thoughts on “Borderline personality disorder 

  1. The best thing about blogging is that you can pour your heart out, practically anonymously to millions of people and know that there will always be someone out there who knows how you feel and can relate and understand. I’ve felt the way you have and it’s not nice, I really get it, it’s the most horrible feeling in the world. You feel invincible when you’re up and on death’s door when you’re down. Know this though, whilst people can’t physically be standing next to you, they can still be there for you and I do find writing to vent my feelings is a big help so continue to do that, don’t bottle it up. You have friends here 🙂

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  2. Ahh yes, BPD is certainly a conundrum, if you will. We can literally cycle through moods, that are similar to Bi-Polor. Every day is a constant struggle for me too. I didn’t know about my DX until about, a year, maybe? There was always something that was off, since I was 18 (I’m 30 now). Medication doesn’t really help, yet it does, in some ways. It will get better! Don’t give up the fight, please.

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      1. Being “mindful” but that’s easier said than done. If you can catch yourself within the emotions, you can slow down a little bit. I just woke up and the racing thoughts happened.
        I send you many hugs!

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  3. I have BPD & honestly DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) has saved my life. It’s so so so hard and confusing and it feels like you’re being ripped in half by your mind sometimes. But you are strong, if you have survived even a single day of this then you have tremendous strength. My heart breaks for you & I hope you can find some wisdom in your suffering. All my hope for you.

    Liked by 1 person

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