X 3

So today I had a chat. A very intense. Hard at times chat. We talked about me brain. How messed up I am. How I have three mental illnesses and am struggling to cope. The first one many of you know about. And that’s my anorexia. Which seems to be getting worse. I’m losing weight. I’m living my life Controlled my numbers, weight, calories, amount of food. Everything. It’s all consuming. All day every day my brain is just thinking about food. It never goes away. It’s always there. I’m constantly feeling fat. This isn’t just a “feeling fat day” it’s genuine. I feel so fat that people are staring at me. I measure myself by the rolls on my stomach. The gap of should I say the no gap between my thighs. That’s how I measure how big I am. I’m constantly checking my body. Wishing my stomach to be flat. Thinking about laxatives. And taking them when I want to. To empty my body. To get rid of it all. This mental illness controls my day. Fuels my mood. Takes over my life. The second illness is my depression. Severe depression. Depression that I’ve had for years now. Depression that has led to 4 overdoses. Depression that leads me to hate my life. Controls what I do and how I feel. Makes me cry makes me suicidal. Ruins days upon days of my life. Makes me hate every inch of myself. Takes over and rules my days. Tells me how I should feel. Never lets me like myself. Never allows me to have a good day day. It ruins them all. 

The third and final mental illness is new to me. And has only just been diagnosed but makes a lot of sense now it has been and that’s my borderline personality. It explains how I feel so impulsive, how one minute I can be crying the next o can be laughing and happy. For years I thought I was bipolar but now it makes sense. Borderline personality disorder makes my mood fluctuate, it makes me hate myself, it makes me feel I’m never good enough. It makes me suicidal and explains why all four times each attempt was impulsive. It explains my unstable relationships and my fear of abandonment. It explains the self harm and the chronic feeling of emptiness I feel on a daily basis it explains my eating disorder and how I’m always in self destruct mode. It explains it all. I feel like this explains my other illnesses it makes sense a bit more. I’m able to understand why I do what I do. Not completely but now I has a reason. An illness that explains why I feel the way I feel why I do the things I do. I feel like this is the reason behind everything and I’m so frustrated that this has o let been diagnosed and no one has taken the time to go through it with me. I feel like no one cares. They’ve just given up. They’ve cast me aside and let me be. While I’m dramatically paddling to stay above water. Lost. Confused. Misunderstood. 

So that’s me. My brain is ruined. Completely f****d up. Replace my brain and I’ll be fine. I honestly don’t think I can take anymore. I’m 27 and I’ve been told I have three mental illnesses which have now led to a physical one as well. I really can’t take any more. I just can’t. I can’t cope. I really can’t. 

3 thoughts on “X 3

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