Daily struggle 

So I feel like things are just getting harder. The closer I’m getting to my discharge date the harder things are coming. I’m skipping breakfast every day and struggling to pick off the hospital menu instead opting for a low calorie ready meal. I’m not able to put weight on and it feels like the hospital have given up. They’ve noticed I’ve lost weight but that’s all they’ve done really. It feels like they don’t care. I feel like there setting me up to fail. If I can’t at least maintain my weight in hospital how on earth am I able to maintain or put weight on when I leave. I had 5 Days leave and lost 1kg. Imagine what that will be like when I go home. I’ll be losing 1-2kg a week. My weight is just going to fall off. But part of me wants that. Ana is telling me that’s the right thing to do and I’m finding it hard ignoring her. How do I block her out? How do I get on with my life? How do I live not controlled by numbers and food? When will she disappear? I don’t think she ever will. I think I’m going to live with her for the rest of my life. I just have to get used to blocking out the voices and living a life without her. But I don’t know how to or where to start. I’m scared. I’m scared of life without her. Life with her gives me a purpose and meaning. Life without her I then have nothing. I’m alone, lost, single and fat. That’s how I see myself. Yesterday I was asked to say one positive thing about myself and I couldn’t. I couldn’t find one thing. This year has been the worst of my life and part of me hates that ana failed. Anas Job was to kill me and end my life but she failed. I got stronger and managed to get a grip on her but part of me wishes I hadn’t. Part of me wishes I never got admitted to hospital and that Ana had killed me. As life with her now is so hard and no one understands. Life with her is horrible. It’s horrendous. Every day is a battle. And daily struggle. And I feel like I’m slowly losing it and she’s taking Control again 

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