Me and Ana 

So I did it. I ate Christmas dinner. I ate unknown calories. I had a proper meal. Yes it may have been on the smaller size but I still did it. I felt greedy though as I was the only one to finish my dinner. I know it’s because they had so much more than me but it stills plays on my mind. I wanted to eat. I wanted a chocolate, a mine pie, a Sausage wrapped in bacon. But I couldn’t. I can’t. As I’m writing this all I want is a chocolate. I’m hungry. I’m starving. I want some cake. So sugar. So treat. But I can’t. I won’t. It’s a horrible feeling. I’m looking at people eating cakes and drinking lattes and I want that but it’s not possible. Today is my last day of leave and I’m dreading tomorrow. Going back to the hospital. Being weighed. The lonliness. The four walls of my room. The food. Everything. I know I can officially start the count down to discharge but at the same time I’m dreading that too. How does that make sense? I’m dreading going back to hospital but I’m dreading discharge. My mind is constantly Confused. It’s at battle with its self all day every day. I hate being in hospital but at the same time it’s become “comfortable” I’ve become institutionalised. It’s my “safe place” to eat. It’s where it’s acceptable to have meals and not feel too guilty. And that’s the reason I’m dreading discharge. I will feel guilty after every meal. I won’t be surrounded by people who know how I feel. In a sense I’ll be even more alone. But at the same time I can’t wait to be discharged so I can restrict. How Confusing is that. I want it but I don’t. See what my mind has to deal with on a daily basis. It’s stuck. It’s broken. It’s muddled up. It doesn’t know what it wants. That’s why I would be better off not being here. I’m going to disappoint all of my family. They think I’m better but when they realise I’m just dying to lose weight and restrict they’ll be disappointed. At the moment there proud of me and proud of how far I’ve come. But soon they’ll see I’m a fraud and be disappointed in me. They’ll not understand. They’ll feel I’ve let them down. Like I’ve failed them. They’ll think I’m choosing this. And it may sound like I am but believe me I’m not. I don’t have a chose. I’mBeing controlled. Ana is there. Right behind me. Every step of the way. She tells me what to do. All day. Every day. My life isn’t mine. It’s ana’s and right now I don’t know how to get rid of her. I don’t know how to start living my life without her. I don’t know how to get mine back. I’m nothing to be proud of. I’m a waste of space. I waste of everything. I’m a failure. Floored. Broken. Messed up. Damaged goods. And I always will be 

14 thoughts on “Me and Ana 

  1. I read your posts every day and while I don’t personally know you I’m proud that you’re still here and still fighting. I have been controlled for most of my life by various addictions. I know some of what you go through every day.

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  2. You are in my prayers. You are here for a reason even if you don’t know what it is yet. Keep holding on and fighting. When the time is right, you will know how to get rid of her. You will become stronger than her. You can beat her.

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