Today I sat in a coffee shop with my plain black coffee people watching. Families came in, loved upCouples came in, playful children, old friends and they all looked like the didn’t have a care in the world. They ordered there hot chocolates covered with cream and sprinkles, or large lattes and cappuccinos without worrying about asking for skinny milk. No one cared. They sat there and enjoyed them, scooped the cream off, scraped the glass for the last of the drink, eating the marshmallows, ordering seconds. Not caring just living. And I sat there on my own, jealous. Not just jealous that they had company and where laughing, chatting, having a good time but jealous of what they ordered. When will I be able to sit there with a hot chocolate, whipped cream, sprinkles and marshmallows. I can’t even order a skinny latte. I have to just have a black coffee. No calories. Nothing. I’m jealous of everyone. Everyone I see. Not just in the coffee shop. I’m longing to be like them. To be able to pop a chocolate in my mouth without worrying over calories, to be able to go for lunches and dinners and not get anxious. To live a life normally. I’m jealous I’m
Envious, I want there life. My life is full of numbers, thinking of food and calories every second of every day. Planning the next meal I can skip, buying laxatives, adding up the numbers as I go. I’m controlled by Ana. She dictates how my day is and what I do. She dictated my mood she controls me. It’s like I’m just a robot and she’s my maker. She tells me what to do. She instructs me. Without her I’m nothing. Without her I don’t know how to live. I only know life with her. I’m only able to imagine life without her. Living through other people’s lives. Watching people smile and enjoy themselves. I’m only able to watch and imagine.