No mans land 

That’s where I am. No mans land. Stuck. In the middle. In the white space. Helpless. Hopeless. Lost. Today I was told there is no more the hospital can do for me. Even if I don’t gain any more weight I’m still being discharged in January. I’m at a weight where I’m not classed as a serious case but I’m not classed as recovered. I’m not going to get anything more from being here and I’m too fat and heavy to be receiving in patient treatment. The only thing they can do is release me in to the community. Let me be free. Do it by myself. 

I’ve openly admitted to all the professions that I’m

Going to cease eating and restrict as soon as I leave. But there’s nothing they can do for me. This is where the nhs fails. I’m not recovered. Mentally I’m far from it and physically I’m still being discharged whilst at a weight that is classed as underweight. But not underweight enough. I fall in to the space in the middle. Forgotten about. Cast aside. Left behind. Struggling on my own. I’ve openly been told that it might take another admission for me to recover, I don’t know what the future holds, all I know is that this desire to lose weight won’t go away. I’m losing weight in hospital and still they can’t help me. It’s like no one cares. No ones listening. I’m skipping whole meals and no one can see how much I’m struggling no one can help me. I’m just left. Anorexia tightening its grip. Closing in on me once again taking control. It’s the only thing I can control. I can’t control my depression or my so called “Personality disorder” so ana wins. She’s laughing at me, how easy I am to control. How I fall right back under her. How she wins. Yet again. I don’t know what to do or where to turn. My discharge is nearing, I can see the line, the line where I can restrict. It’s in sight and there’s nothing anyone can do. I’m helpless. Ana wins. And I’ve got no fight left. She’s taken it all. 

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