Lost cause 

The hospital has completely given up one me. They don’t care. I’m a lost cause. They’ve had enough. There done with me. They’ve called time. They’ve said I’ll be discharged regardless of my weight in January. They don’t care if I don’t put any more on or in fact loose any. It means nothing to them now. There discharging me whilst I’m still in the anorexic weight range. There done with me. They really are. I’ve been honest. I’ve told them as soon as they discharge me I’m just going to restrict and lose weight. The desire to do so is so strong. But again they don’t care. They simply say “just challenge the thought”. It’s really not that easy. I don’t know what they expect of me. I feel like all this admission has done is feed me up. I don’t feel like I’ve had the mental support I’ve needed. I feel they’ve just filled me up on food and now there getting rid of me regardless. Today I also found out they think I have a personality disorder. I really wasn’t meant to live. I wasn’t meant to be born. I have anorexia, depression and now a personality disorder. No wonder I’m Alone. I’m so sick of feeling like this. I really am. I have to do a formal test to diagnose the personality disorder but if I do have one it would explain some things. I’ve been doing some research and tick most of the boxes. I don’t know. I’m just so sick of life. I’m barely making 1000 calories a day when I should be on 2000. I’m cutting out food here there and everywhere. I’mDreading leave this weekend as I don’t think I’ll be able to skip that much. But I’m going to try. It’s that bad that I’m now getting anxiety if I’m faced with something extra to eat like a dessert or even a skinny latte. I get clamy and restless and feel scared. It’s just getting worse. 

2 thoughts on “Lost cause 

  1. You may give up on yourself but God will NEVER give up on you. Even though this may be hard to believe but He will give you the strength to go on. He does not want us to be quitters, He wants us to be winners. You will beat this! Even though you are in a dark place God will get you through.
    I had anorexia also. It was my God at the time. It consumed my whole life. I could not breath without counting calories, exercising, and taking diet pills. I was giving up and anorexia was winning. Up until that day I said, “NO MORE!”. I gave it all to the real God and not my “anorexia God”
    I am praying for you. DO NOT GIVE UP ON YOURSELF! Also, do not let doctors tell you what type of disorder you have. It is the anorexia that is giving you the depression and anxiety.

    Liked by 2 people

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