I don’t want this 

They think I want this. They think I’m choosing this. They think I need to simply stop thinking through the illness. They think I’m giving into it and letting it win. Well I’m not. Who would want this. No one. Who would want to stress about food so much all day every day. Who would want to laxatives if they’ve eaten over a certain amount of Calories. Who wants to check there “thigh gap” every day. Who wants to freeze in front of a plate of food. Unable to pick up the cutlery and burst into tears. Who wants to be controlled by anorexia. Unable to eat an advent chocolate a day. Having to walk so many steps a day. Having to count every single tiny calorie. Having to be on so many different medications. Having the fear of being fat. To the point it terrifies you and disables you. Not being able to enjoy Christmas or meals out. Being controlled and bound by food all day every day. Wanting to kill themselves most days. Being so alone that you have no one. Crying at anything and everything. Being so depressed you want your life over. Who wants all of this. Who would chose all of this. No one. But they think I am. They thinking I’m picking this. They think it’s me choosing this. Well it’s not. I dont want this ive just been given it and I can’t see a way out. They think it’s simple. Just change the way you think. Well it’s not that simple. I’d have done that if it was that simple. I’d have done that ages ago. They have no idea what it’s like to be disabled by depression and anorexia. No idea. So don’t begin to tell me otherwise this isn’t a life I’m living. It’s hell. I am in hell. And I want it all to be over. 

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