All I want for Christmas 

So I’m dreading Christmas this year. All if it. Not just the food. But mainly the food. I’m dreading the long leave I’ll get. I’m not looking forward to it. I’m dreading that I’ll be made to eat by family when I don’t want to. And I’m dreading what it will do to our relationship. Every time I get home leave I always lose weight. I never put on. Let alone maintain. I never want to eat as soon as I leave the hospital. And as much as I’m looking forward to being able to skip meals left right and centre I’m worried what statin this will put in my relationships with members of my family who are trying to get me to eat. I’m worried I’ll get annoyed at them I’m worried I’ll start to resent them. Christmas Day itself is whole other world. Everyone will be acting what they want when they want snacking on food throughout the day. Eating a big Christmas meal followed by a rich yet scrumptious dessert and I’ll be there parsnips over the calories eating a tiny portion of the meal and not touching dessert. I’ll stick out like a sore thumb. I’m having to make a list of snacks and calories so I know what I can allow myself to have throughout the day. I’ll have to keep referring to it to check I haven’t gone over. It shouldn’t be like this. Christmas shouldn’t be a list of foods written down with the quantity I am allowed and the calories each tiny little snack has. I’ll have to keep a meabtl tally in my head of how many chocolates or crisps I’ve had to make sure I don’t go over. That’s if I can even bring myself to eat any. Which right now I can’t. Right now I have an advent Calendar in my room untouched. I can’t even manage to fit A tiny chocolate in my daily allowance of food. How pathetic and sad is that. Christmas should be a time to look forward to. But instead I just have pure dread. Yes I’m happy I’ll get leave but with that leave I’m dreading what happens. I’m dreading I’ll lose so much weight I won’t be allowed to be discharged. All I want for Christmas is to be discharged. That will be the greatest gift I can get. Actually. Scrap that. Yes I want to be discharged but that won’t solve anything. I still have the urge to restrict every second of every day. So the greatest gift I could get this year is to be “normal” that’s what I want. I don’t want any presents I don’t want money I don’t want gifts. All I want is to be normal and rid of this dreadful illness. And illness that can’t be solved with tablets and illness that isn’t always visible and illness that people think we put on. That’s what I want I want rid of this. I want to live a life doing what I want not bound by calories and food. Not having to check everything a million times to see what’s in it not being controlled by numbers and trying to eat less and less each day. Not measuring myself not weighing myself not staring and my thighs and seeing if I still have a gap there. I want rid of all of these feelings and I just want to be normal. That’s my Christmas wish this year. That’s all I want.  

2 thoughts on “All I want for Christmas 

  1. Yeah, I get it. This year is the first time in decades that I’ve been invited anywhere. It’s my friends at the ranch. Here’s the odd thing. They love me for who I am, issues and all. I don’t get it, I’m not used to unconditional stuff. It makes no sense to me. If they expected me to be a certain way then I could act out that role, so to speak, but no.. I have to be just me. That’s who they like… ummm…. I can’t even wrap my mind around what it’s going to be like so I can’t plan. I’ll just show up.

    Wait, let me rephrase that. When I’m doing well, in a good headspace, I feel more confident albeit tentative. When I’m not doing well, like now, all my insecurities come crashing back. Hopefully we can both find a bit of sanity before next week.


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