Today 

So today has been a bit of a day. It was ward round day. Which I knew wouldn’t go well. They want me to go back on a weight gain diet and eat all my meals and my snacks as I have lost nearly 4kg. They also took my leave away from me as they think I’m at risk to myself and may do something to harm myself. I ensured them I wouldn’t and begged for leave. No matter how little. I got 2 hours a day. Better than nothing I guess. 

I’m not happy I’ve got to back on weight gain but after the ward round the dietician spoke to me and realistically knows I want eat all my snacks and meals so just came up with a different plan. A more do able one but still a very hard one. I amanged to stay on transition which I’m happy but shocked about. There was talk about sending me back to the progression or acute ward. If they had done that I would have discharged myself. To be honest. I’m still very tempeted to discharge myself. I feel like I’m just stuck here. I can’t gain weight as that terrifies me and I can’t cope with the ect. I’m feeling a lot worse since the ect has started so they’ve put me in another antidepressant. But how will I now know what’s working. The ect or the anti depressant. I’ve no idea. I’m getting sick of this all. I really really really am. I just want and need this all do end! 

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