Out of it. 

I feel completely and utterly out of it. And memeory is extremely hazy. This is only after two ect sessions. What’s it going to be like after 12!! I can’t remember a lot of things and my brain just feel extremely fuzzy. I feel all over the place. I’m crying all the time over nothing. I feel wobbly and faint. The only thing o can put it down to is ect. 

I met the dietician yesterday and was stupidly honest. I told her how little I’m acatually managing. She knew I was around 1500 kcal but I owned up and told her I’m lucky if I ever hit 1300 kcal. She suggested going back to the ward below me called progression. On this ward you have to be supervised eating all your meals and can’t get away with anything. I begged her not to send me back. Begged. We agreed she would give me a week to try and turn it around to prove I can do it on the ward I’m on now. It seems that the worst my depression is getting the worst my eating is getting. I don’t think I’ll ever be cured of either. There always going to be there. I’m struggling like mad but can’t admit it as they’ll punish me. I’m eating less and less each day and ect is taking its toll too. I’m so alone. So fed up. So down. So quiet. So lost. I’m crying for help but don’t want to go backwards. I don’t know what to do or where to turn. 

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